[playing cards with Jake] I never wager more than I'm willing to lose. I'll bet Willie's car.
S2Part 1
S2Part 1
[the Ochmoneks come inside the Tanner's house]
Hi. Dad, it's the Ochmoneks. And Jake.
Hi, tall, teenage, and tantalizin'.
Gag me with a shovel.
Whatever turns you on.
Willie Any requests?
Yeah. Go jump in the lake and take your CB with ya.
Willie What?
Everyone thinks that you're taking this neighborhood watch thing far too seriously.
Have I, as the Sentinel done something that's offended you?
Let us just say we don't want to be involved anymore. We're turning in our code names.
Cross The Phantom and Lolita off your list.
The Litwaks and Mrs. Byrd are droppin' out too.
I guess I got a little carried away, huh?
You called me horsemeat.
I'm sure I didn't say. Horsemeat. I'm sure that I said something nice that just sounded like.
At any rate, don't try to contact us. We're on our way outta town.
We're going to Tijuana to do some shopping. We have a whole house to refurnish. Come on, Jake.
Can't I stay with the Tanners? I'm allergic to kitsch.
Go, enjoy. Drink the water. Adios!
I told you, you can't stay here unless Willie invites you to stay, of his own free will, without being pushed into it.
Of course, Jake is more than welcome to stay.
Well, alright then. See you manana.
Hasta luego.
Come on, Trevor.
Right behind you, Phantom. [he and Raquel leave]
If you two will excuse me there's a little matter I have to discuss with ALF.
Oh, take your time, sir. We'll be fine. Oh, uh, could you dim the lights on your way out? [hops on the sofa]
No problem. [gets up and turns off the light]
S2Part 2
[answers the phone] Hello? Dad, it's ALF.
Would you tell him to come in here if he wants to talk to me?
Dad said that you're gonna have to come in here if you want to talk to him. He says that's gonna be a problem.
Hello, ALF.
[on the phone at the Ochmoneks] Oh, Willie! Willie! Willie! What have I done?
I don't know, ALF. What have you done?
Did you see Dog Day Afternoon?
Where are you?
GGriswald
[on megaphone] The house is surrounded. Come out with your hands up.
Please hold. Uh, no dice! I'm armed, I'm dangerous and I'm off my medication.
Hey! Hey! The cops have somebody cornered in my house!
As you may have gathered, Willie. I'm in big trouble.
You're always in trouble.
Yeah, but even on the ALF scale this one's a humdinger. I need help.
What happened, ALF?
Long story short, I saw a burglar at the Ochmonek's and scared him away. Now, I'm trapped and I'm scared. Oh, the irony of it all.
Well, can't you make a run for it?
I take it you didn't see the end of Butch Cassidy either.
No, I didn't.
But you've got to do something, ALF. They might storm the house.
Oh, yeah.
I've got hostages in here! Think that'll hold them? Or should I say that the hostages are nuns?
No nuns. None. [I'm coming over.
Okay, but hurry! I don't think these guys will give you much of a grace period if you catch my drift.
[hangs up the phone] ALF's trapped at the Ochmonek's.
I know the feeling.
I'm going over.
Me too.
No! You're staying here. It's too dangerous.
Yeah, you might lose your cool when the bullets start flyin'.
Bullets? There'll be bullets?
Jake, that is ridiculous. Willie, be careful.
Oh, uh, I will. By the way, how did Butch Cassidy end?
They were gunned down by the Bolivian army.
Yeah, it was really cool.
I can dig it.
S2Part 2
[on the phone] Hello, Hairy.
Hi, too much rouge?
So, how is it going?
Fine, I've met a lot of nice new people who wanna kill me.
That's nice.
Oh, I'm glad you're taking it so well.
Uh, I-I really can't talk right now. We have, company.
Oh, you invited people over! Hey, hey, I wouldn't want you to stop living because I might.
We didn't invite them. They just dropped by.
Well, excuse us for being under siege.
Um. Uh, Willie hasn't forgotten about you. I'm sure we'll be seeing you soon. Okay, Hairy?
Do I have the right number?
Yes. Goodbye. [hangs up] Do I use too much rouge?
I always thought so.
S2 E1Working My Way Back to You
[ALF is showing Brian how to play Skleenball]
The game of Skleenball is very simple, Brian. You just sling your anchovies into your opponent's laundry basket. Aw, missed!
Do we get to eat the anchovies after the game?
No! Does Marvin Haggler eat his trunks after a fight?
[comes in] Okay, who dumped my clean laundry on the floor?
Brian.
Well, ALF told me to and then we can play skleenball.
It's not nice to rat on your friends.
What's skleenball?
ALF A picture's worth a thousand words.
[the picture frame falls down]
That picture was worth a thousand dollars.
Well, maybe the frame makes it look cheap.
[picks up the ripped picture frame] I am tired of your breaking things. If this happens once more, you will be living in the garage.
From now on, I'll treat this house as if it were my own.
Treat it as if it were my house, and don't break anything! [goes inside the kitchen with the ripped picture frame] Cheap frame! [feels the ripped piece from the picture frame] I guess it can be repaired.
[voiceover] Heads up! [he rips another piece on the picture frame and Kate looks at ALF] Oops.
[Kate turns on the lights and finds out that the living room is empty]
Willie! Willie!
Our furniture!
We've been robbed!
Wishful thinking.
[Willie and Kate come to the garage and find out that ALF took most of the furniture from the house as Willie turns off the radio that ALF is listening to]
Oh, hi. Oh a housewarming gift, how nice. [he takes the pillow but Willie takes it away from him]
Who told you could bring this furniture out here?
Willie.
I did not!
You said I could bring something from the house.
I said something. Not everything! In all fairness, you did not make that point clear.
He did bring everything.
Well, I didn't take that hideous Statue of Liberty clock.
That clock was a gift from my mother.
Did I say hideous? I meant lovely. As lovely as your mother. [microwave dings] That must be the microwave. Brisket anyone?
FORGET THE BRISKET! ALF, I want you to take everything back into the house tonight. And I emphasize the word everything!
And I emphasize the word TONIGHT!
And if you don't, you will be living out here permanently!
I noticed you emphasized the word permanently. Wait, don't go! Please can we sit down and talk this out just give me 1 minute.
Alright, fine. Yes, you have 1 minute.
Thank you. Hey Willie, don't sit there, that's my chair.
That was my chair on the house.
Well, we're not in the house.
40 seconds.
Well that's not fair! Willie talk to penalize him.
35.
What are you mission control?
30.
30 seconds, I just had a minute half a minute ago.
Forget the minute! Just say what you have to say!
Uh, uh. No! No! I need human companionship! I don't know how I ever got along without it, but now I'm hooked. I'm a people junkie. Please don't go.
Oh, you go ahead Kate. I'll sit on here with him for a while.
Willie, what are you doing?
It seems like he really misses us.
I do, I do, I do.
Willie, he's got our furniture, and our brisket now he's after us!
Oh, you're right, of course. You're right. You're staying in the garage without us, and without our brisket!
Good night, ALF.
Kate, wait please! Give me another chance I know I could change just let me move back inside for 1 week and I'll prove it to you. I'll be on my best behavior!
What if during this week you don't change?
Then, Willie and I will move out here for good.
Alright you've got a deal.
Kate! I don't want to move out here.
Oh, I did mean that was part of- The deal is you stay in the house for 1 week, but if you mess up, you're history.
Hey, no problem! [the flower vase breaks] The week hasn't started yet, right?
Hi Tanner, who painted your fence? It looks great!
I don't what you're talking about. [walks over to the window] Wow! That looks great.
So who painted it?
Uhhh.
Happy birthday, Dad.
Oh, it's your birthday present. I hope I didn't ruin the surprise.
No, I was going to look out the window soon, anyway.
So, how old are you?
I'll be 45 in August.
That's 6 months away. It ain't your birthday. You just had your fence painted to keep up with the Ochmonek's. Well I'm not gonna tell you where I brought my fluorescent flamingos.
We blew it.
Hey, Kate, great looking breakfast.
Mom didn't make it.
Who did?
Our manservant.
You got a manservant?
Just for the week.
Do me a favor. Don't mention it to Raquel.
You have our word.
Thanks, she went ape when she found out you had a vacuum cleaner. Hey, listen. Have jeeves, give me a jingle. I might want him to paint my flamingos. [he gets a banana and leaves the house]
Will do.
[as he is preparing the table] 6:13, 1 minute to go Luck Meister. Then, I'll be down on you like a buzzard on a gut wagon. The duck a l'Orange is ready. Have some wine, it'll slow down your reflexes. [while staring at the burned turkey in the oven] Zut alors, the gas is on. I forgot to light the oven. Oh well, better late than never. [Lucky jumps off the window counter as ALF flies off to the living room when he blows up the kitchen, then ALF is sitting on the floor after the explosion] Well, I guess we'll have to order in.
S2 E2The Ballad of Gilligan's Island
[comes in the kitchen] Willie, there's something wrong with the bathtub.
It's probably clogged with ALF's hair again. He refuses to vacuum himself before he takes a bath.
No, it's the faucet. There's no water coming out.
There's no water here either.
[outside] Hey, could you turn that off? I'm losing pressure out here.
Say, what exactly are you doing out there?
It's a surprise.
He said surprise.
The dreaded "s" word.
ALF, what are you?
Watch out Willie, it's a little slippery.
[from outside] Whoa! [falls into the lagoon]
Surprise! Well, what do you think?
I don't believe it!
Willie's swimming in the lagoon I built. It's just like the one on Gilligan's Island. From now on, life around here will be much more exciting. [Willie screams] See, it's exciting already.
How would you like to be buried at sea?
You're not happy about this, are you?
Just tell us why you did it.
It was Willie's idea.
What?
Don't try to worm your way out of this one. You said we'd build a lagoon.
I said we'd build a little lagoon, not the Great Tanner Reef!
Okay, I misunderstood. I'm sorry. I made a boo-boo.
A boo-boo? [pause] I want my yard back the way it was. I want trees I can trim. I want grass I can mow. [angrily] NO WATER, NO HUT! AND YOU ARE GONNA STAY RIGHT HERE UNTIL I GET IT! Have I made myself clear?
What? Are you talking to me?
[wakes up and discovers he's on Gilligan's Island] I must have slept through the night. Hey, where's my shovel? Where's my house?
Skipper, Skipper, can I fish too?
It's Gilligan, the Skipper, too.
Shhhh! Gilligan, you scare the fish. Owww!
Shhhh! You scare the fish.
I'm here on Gilligan's isle!
Gilligan's Island. I'm in rerun heaven.
Bet I catch a big one.
[hat flies off] Gilligan!
Skipper, what happened to your hat?
You're using it for bait.
[ALF gasps]
I'll get it back to you, Skipper, don't worry. [puts on Skipper's hat for him and water comes out]
Gilligan! You idiot!
[laughs] You guys are hilarious. Encore, encore, ya!
Who are you?
I'm ALF, your biggest fan. I worship the sand you walk on. [walks off]
Where did you come from?
Melmac.
Melmac, is that anywhere near Bora Bora?
Ha! You guys never stop. Hey, where are the others?
What others?
You know.
Hey, wait a minute. How do you know about all of us?
Hey, wait a minute. How do you know about all of us?
I just said that, Gilligan.
I thought it sounded familiar. [hat thump]
[laughs] Oh I never get tired of that. [laughs]
I get tired of it.
[arrives] Gilligan! Skipper! Oh, lunch is ready. I see we have another visitor.
It's Mary Ann. And lunch. 2 of my favorite things.
Mary Ann this is ALF. He's from Melmac.
How come everybody can get to this island and none of us can ever get off?
Really? I must have overlooked the pattern. [gets hit by Skipper's hat]
[ALF laughs]
Let's eat. Come on, ALF!
Lunch with the castaways! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!
[ALF is having a hangout with the Castaways]
Mary Ann, did you make one of your famous coconut cream pies?
No. They won't let me make them anymore.
You see I noticed our blood sugar levels were getting dangerously high. Plus the fact we were sick to death of them.
You never told me that.
I was remiss.
Anyway, today we're having mangoes.
Wow. Mangoes.
We're sick of mangoes too.
Well I like mangoes. I'm just sick of making dental floss for you people.
I get the feeling you people aren't happy.
We're not. We're bored. Do you know we've been doing the same thing day in and day out for 23 years?
Yeah. How would you like to listen to the Skipper's boring old navy stories over and over and over?
I thought you liked my navy stories. I was a good sailor.
Oh we're all familiar with your nautical record, Skipper. You're ah, o and one, I believe.
You see. You have one little shipwreck and they never let you forget it!
Well you guys should be grateful. You're here on Gilligan's Island.
Are you kidding? Why, we'd be out of here in a minute if smarty-pants over here could figure out a way for us to get off this rock!
Don't blame me! Every time I devise a plan, it's ruined by that hebetudinous sidekick of yours!
"Hebetudinous"?
Addlepated!
Oh.
Why you can't call my little buddy addlepated.
Will you stop calling me little buddy? I'm in my 40s, for crying out loud!
Stop it! You people are supposed to be funny and friendly and, and wacky!
This is our island. You can't tell us when to be wacky.
Yeah. Who died and made you King Kamayamaya?
I know something that'll keep you from fighting, let's re-enact the time when the headhunter came to the island. I'll be the headhunter, and Gilligan can be Gilligan.
I've got a better idea. Let's re-enact the time that ALF came to the island to help us dig. You be ALF, and start digging.
I'm not going to dig! I refuse to dig! I won't dig! I won't! I won't, I won't, I won't!
[the castaways sent ALF digging]
What am I digging here?
You're filling in the lagoon.
Yeah we're going to build a miniature golf course.
And we're not going to let the Howells play on it.
Shall I go get your clubs Skipper?
No Gilligan. It's not ready yet. [hat thump] It'll take a couple of months.
Come on. Let the furry little guy work. It's almost time for our favorite TV show.
You have a TV?
Oh yeah. I rigged one up using some bamboo, a couple of coconut shells and a 19 inch picture tube that washed up on the shore. I even built a VCR.
Yeah. But all our tapes are beta. [she waves goodbye to ALF]
Hey Gilligan, digging's really fun. You want to do some?
[satisfied] Forget it.
Even Gilligan won't fall for it.
[offscreen; hat thump] What was that for?
[offscreen] I just felt like it. Nyah ha ha.
I wonder if the Howells need a 4th for golf.
[as the Professor sets up the TV, the castaways get ready to watch their favorite TV show]
Sit down Professor, we can't see.
I'm adjusting the vertical hold.
Vertical hold? Looks like a coconut to me.
Give me the hat, Skipper.
TATV Announcer
And now it's time for The Adventures of the Tanner Family.
Tanner family?
TATV Announcer
Starting Willie Tanner as Dad, Kate Tanner as Mom, Lynn Tanner as their daughter, and Brian Tanner as himself. This week's episode "Brian Takes a Bath".
Oh boy, this is my favorite.
I never had a bath for 23 years.
EEverybody
We know.
[on TV] That meatloaf was delicious, mom.
[on TV] Well, I hope you have room for some apple pie.
EEverybody
Oh!
Apple pie. I haven't had that in 23 years.
That meatloaf sounds so delicious too.
I'd like to have something to eat that didn't fall out of a tree.
[on TV] Can I have some water, Dad?
[on TV] You can have lots of water, son. You're taking a bath.
How does Willie come up with that stuff?
The great ones make it look so easy.
Why was that funny?
Why was that funny? These are the most entertaining people in the world and you ask why was it funny.
Besides, they can do things we only dream of. They eat balanced meals.
They change their clothes.
They don't hit each other with hats.
Actually, they are pretty entertaining. Can I watch a little?
Don't you have some dirt to shovel?
I can shovel dirt back home.
You are home.
You're a castaway now, fuzzy buddy.
Forever.
I don't want to be a castaway. I thought this place would be fun. Now I realize, it's only fun in half hour chunks.
[on TV] But you wanted to be on Gilligan's Island. That's where the fun never stops. Remember? Remember? Remember?
I was wrong. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. [his dreams ends as he begins to wake up while Willie walks up to him] Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home.
ALF. Wake up. Hey.
Oh, Willie! You came all the way out here to rescue me!
It wasn't really all that far, ALF. I was just in the kitchen.
Ooh. Well listen, I was wrong. Adventure isn't on some unchartered desert isle. It's right here in your own backyard. What's left of it?
That's good to hear, ALF. I'll see you later.
Well, don't I get to come with you? What about all that mindless treacle I just oozed?
As treacle goes, it's pretty sweet. Too bad it didn't fill up the hole. Get to work.
I hate this place.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's ALF pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.