ALF · Season 1
Willie Tanner{as narrator}: This is the way it began, that extraordinary night. The night he came.
Willie signed off on his ham radio when it starts oscillating wildly. Kate rushes in garage
Willie, the house is shaking!
Lynn and Brian rush in garage
Daddy, the power went out in the house!
Dad, I'm scared!
Loud crash is heard; Tanner family sees a UFO crashed into their roof
What just happened?
We have a visitor.
Tanners see an unconscious ALF in the canopy
Do you get Sesame Street where you live?
No, and frankly, I don't get it here, either.
If you said, "It was the cow riding on the subway", you're absolutely right!
[sound of cans opening, Alf and Brian come out with two cans of something in their hand]
I said no soda pop.
It's not soda pop, it's beer.
[burps] You're about out of Coors!
What!? (grunts) Give those to me!
Hey, hey, careful his is still full!
(Kate puts beer cans on the television)
Now, you just listen to me, ALF! I will not allow this kind of behavior in my house! This boy, is only six years old, he is not to drink beer, and you are not drink beer, and I don't know what it's like on...Mork, or whatever planet you come from, but....
Melmac.
What?
[picking up Willie's glasses] Yeah, what is it about this Lash that you don't like?
Willie: Lash? How do you know about Lash?
ALF: Well, Lynn and I were talking last night and she seems to feel- [tries on Willie's glasses] Jeez, you're blind as a bat, aren't you?
ALF, please stay away from the window. We have a nosy neighbor, Mrs. Ochmonek.
Ochmonek! Ha! Sounds like a typo.
Ochmonek residence. Mrs. Ochmonek looks in window and sees ALF
Trevor, get over here! There is a wierd creature!
Mr. Ochmonek sees an empty window
It is just a window, Raquel! Have you been sipping the sherry again?
I could swear it was there.
Mrs. Ochmonek takes a second look then see ALF waving at her
AUGH!
Doorbell rings. ALF hides behind Willie while Kate answers door
Mrs. Tanner?
Yes, who are you?
I am Captain Blackstone of the Alien Task Force, an adjunct of Edwards Air Force Base. Have you seen an alien with orange fur, three feet tall, with a big nose?
ALF looks at his nose, but it is clear he is the one being described
What would be done to the creature?
Our usual tests. Intense heat, freezing cold, injections with different toxins, and finally, dissection.
Why don't you just rip its toenails off while you are at it?
Oh yes, that too. Well, I am going to assume you do not know what I am talking about. Good day, Mrs. Tanner.
Sir, who told you that we saw space aliens?
I am sorry M'aam but that is classifed information. As such, the informant must remain ochmononek-I mean anonymous.
[first scene of the series]
This is the way it began that extraordinary night; the night "he" came. Let me just shut this thing off. What's that noise? Oh, my gosh! It's the infrared radio band. I've locked in to something in space; a pulsar or a satellite. Hello? Hello? This is K726XAA. Can you read me? They're answering but I don't recognize the language.
Why don't you just shut it off?
I, can't, I can't control it. It's locked in on the signal.
Willie, what's that?
Oh, my gosh! It can't be.
The lights! What happened to the lights?
Daddy! Daddy! What's that thing in the sky?
What's going on?
It's closing in fast. I think maybe we'd better- [the spacecraft crashes into the garage as the Tanners look up to see the pilot unconscious in the canopy; revealing it is ALF] We have a visitor.
[the Tanners bring an alien to the living room]
Here he comes! here he comes!
Brian stay with me, oh my gosh, it's hairy!
Let's put is over here.
Not on the couch!
Lynn, clear off the coffee table. Quick it's heavy!
Heavy and hairy!
[Willie opens the blanket and reveals it's an alien]
I can't believe it. What do you think it is?
A real alien!
Willie, Willie what is it?
I don't know. Brian's right. It's an ALF.
What?
And ALF and A.L.F. that's short for alien life form.
Can ALF stay in my room?
No, this thing is not staying in. It's not staying.
Why not? E.T. got to stay.
E.T. was a movie, this is real! This is on our coffee table!
This is incredible! Truly amazing, after all those years of wondering and hoping that it might be possible to contact alien life, I had it happen. It's a miracle. It's a fulfillment of a lifelong dream.
We've got to get rid of it!
Absolutely, we don't know anything about it. It could be dangerous, it could be diseased, it could be hostile or have hostile friends or acquaintances, it could be anything. Your mother's right we better report it to the authorities.
[while looking closer to ALF's face] But what if the authorities do something to it?
Yeah, what if they poke needles into it.
No, they wouldn't poke needles into it. Would they Willie?
Well they could I don't think they would but they could and they might.
I know this is very exciting, but I don't see another alternative. We got to report this. What other choice do we have?
Can I make a suggestion?
Sure. Why not? [he and the rest of the family realize ALF said that and get shocked]
Well, if it's not too much trouble, how about fixing my spaceship? [the Tanners are too shocked to answer] Hello. Read my lips.
It talks.
It's heavy, it's hairy, and it talks.
Good. Now, how about fixing my spaceship, so I can get my heavy hairy body out of here!
I'm not sure. I can fix your spaceship, I mean not tonight, not in the dark.
yeah you could use a light in the driveway
you know I’ve been meaning to put one out there but you know how it is you get busy with one thing and another
Willie!
Sorry, it just seem so human.
There's no need for name calling.
I don't think we should get to friendly, Willie?
She's right, let's have a snack now, will get friendly later.
Snack? What kind of a snack?
Got a cat.
You eat cats.
You can't eat Lucky.
No, no cat eating not in this house.
It, alright, how about a cat food? Can I could use the roughage?
Can we give out the cans, mom?
Please?
Please?
Alright, dented one.
Come on, ALF.
[Brian and Lynn take ALF to the kitchen]
We're going with you.
[ALF is in the living room with Brian watching TV]
Do you get Sesame Street where you live?
No, and frankly, I don't get it here, either.
If you said, "It was the cow riding on the subway", you're absolutely right!
Brillant! This and the letter "I" in 1 day. I gotta get something to drink.
Me too. [he and ALF go get something to drink]
Where are you two going?
We've got to get something to drink.
We're parched.
Okay, but no soda pop, and nothing to eat before dinner.
Yes, ma'am.
Yes, ma'am.
Geez, what's with the warden?
[sounds of can opening and Brian and ALF come out with a drink in their hand]
I said no soda pop.
It's not soda pop, it's beer.
[burps] You're about out of Coors!
What? Give those to me! [puts beer on top of the TV]
Hey, careful. His is still full.
Now you just listen to me, ALF. I will not allow this kind of behavior in my house. This boy is only 6 years old, he is not to drink beer and you are not to drink beer. I don't know what it's like on "Mork", or whatever planet you come from.
Melmac.
What?
Melmac. That was the name of my planet. It's also what it was made out of.
What do you mean was?
Well that's the thing Kate. Ma'am. Melmac's history.
Are you trying to tell me you that you can’t go back to Melmac?
It exploded. [pause] This was my street. Now if Willie fixes my spaceship, I suppose I could start a new life somewhere else on some desolate crater field asteroid spend the rest of my life sending off gamma rays.
No ALF. No, we want you to stay here with us. Don't we mom?
Brian please try to understand.
Hey. The kid wants me to stay.
ALF, do you mind?
Yeah, no problem.
We can't hide out forever and I can't go on like this watching him every moment wondering what he's going to do next.
[ALF burps and picks up the beer and slides it away]
But he'll be good he won't break the rules anymore. Will you ALF?
Cross my heart. [sees Lucky roaming around the living room] How are you doing Lucky? See? no problem.
[ALF is telling the Tanners jokes during dinner]
So, the droid says to the cranble, "To tell you the truth, I'd feel even better if she lived another 6 light years away." [laughs]
I think that really wasn't using 6 light years away.
I guess you had to be there I was. [laughs]
You know, I hate to be a black cloud but what are we gonna do with ALF when Lynn has her pajama party next week?
Oh, that's right.
Hey, no problem. I wear a size 5 but nothing with feet in it. Oh, I've got a zillion of 'em. Here's another one you won't like. Look, these 2 space travelers are going through Andromeda, see and they run into a space patrol. He was a rookie, now remember this it's important for the end of the story. Anyway, while they're travelling.
ALF, I am sorry that you cannot watch Psycho, but if you can promise me you will stay in the bedroom and not make noise, then I will consider next time that you may babysit Brian when Kate and I are out. I got you a jigsaw puzzle.
It's broken!
The idea is you are supposed to put it back together.
I did not break it!
I also got the newest issue of your favorite comic book, Shanna, Mistress of the Universe.
I don't want Shanna. I want Mrs. Bates.
ALF is sitting on Willie's bed, and a burglar comes through the window
ALF{as narrator}: Then it happened. He came into my life. At first, I thought it was Santa Claus. Then it hit me: Santa probably wouldn't smell of cheap wine. Besides, he was beginning to fill his bag with things that didn't belong to him. I was scared stiff, but I realized I had to do something; I realized I was the man of the house.
Excuse me? Can you take a little constructive criticism? What you're doing here is wrong.
[examines ALF] Must be one of those talking dolls.
Oh, yeah!? Ever had a talking doll rip out your voice box!?
[Burglar screams in shock and jumps out the window]
Are you Mr. & Mrs. Tanner?
Yes, Officer. What can I do for you?
Policeman presents captured burglar
This man actually chased us down two blocks and begged us to arrest him!
What I did was wrong, and I must be punished.
We will get to that, for right now just relax. Do you own these?
Policeman presents stolen items
That is my brooch and my jewelry box!
My cufflinks!
If you come to the station and complete a report for us, you can have them back...if you want them back.
Come on, you promised, you promised!
OK, OK! Mr. and Mrs. Tanner, this man claims he was motivated to surrender himself to us on account of seeing an odd creature with a big nose wearing a blue dress.
Well, I will go home now.
Mrs. Ochmonek is wearing a frumpy blue dress
Well, at least you will not be able to plead insanity.
Pizza Barge! 1 super Sicilian, that's me. Here's your pizza. Sorry we couldn't leave it by the tree. It's against company policy.
I don't understand.
Well the last time we left one by a tree, a squirrel died.
No, I mean I didn't order a pizza and I refuse to pay for it.
Lady, it's already paid for, house account.
[grabbing pizza box] Oh, well in that case.
[holding out hand] What about my tip?
[gives a dime to the delivery man] Here is this enough?
Oh, sure. In some states I can still make a phone call!
Raquel closes door
In some states I can still make a phone call.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's ALF pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
