TV show quotes
[the family is playing charades]
It's a movie. 2 words.
The jerk.
The birds.
You got it, Bri!
No fair! You were giving him hand signals to help him guess.
ALF, that's how you play charades.
Oh. Well, let me try! Alright, uh-
It's a movie.
It's about you.
The Brother from Another Planet?
Hair!
No, no, you're all wrong, it's The Man Who Would Be King.
[Trevor and Raquel come to the Tanners house to introduce Jake]
Hi Willie, hi Kate.
Hi guys.
And other residents of the Tanner manor.
Hi, Trevor, Raquel. And who might this be?
This is Jake, my brother cyril's kid. These are the Tanners.
How do you do?
Hi, Jake.
Hi.
Hi Jake.
Yeah.
[laughs] Jake just flew in from New York. He's staying with us while his father is away.
Oh, how long will that be?
5 years.
Unless he gets time off for good behavior.
Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake--
We're saving it for Jake.
Okay. [pause] He's not coming. Let's eat.
He'll be here, ALF.
The kid's probably going up the river as we speak. They'll put him in solitary, feed him bread and water, topped by a delicious piece of chocolate- [Kate moves the cake] cake.
Jake may have some problems, but he's not going to be sent to prison.
Tell that to my cousin, Pretty Boy Shumway. He lived on the south side of Melmac. The baddest part of the planet. If he didn't like your shoes. [points at Willie, imitating machine gun sound] "ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."
You mean he'd shoot a person just because he didn't like his shoes?
No. He'd just point at you and go, "Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."
[comes in] Mr. Ochmonek called and said Jake won't come over.
I didn't hear the phone.
He just hollered through my window.
Alright! Let's eat.
Would you like some cake?
[ALF and Jake get ready to meet each other]
Get away from me! Just stay away from me!
Wait! You can't leave. They'll think I broke the telescope.
Okay, I'll fix it. Just don't bite me.
Bite you? That's a good idea. I'll bite you, if you don't fix this. [snaps jaws]
Alright! Just don't tell my aunt and uncle I was taking it.
On 1 condition. You fix this telescope, and don't tell anyone about me.
That's 2 conditions. [ALF growls] Alright! You've got a deal. What are you, anyway?
I'm an alien from the planet Melmac. I have powers that you can only dream about.
Like what?
[thinks for a moment] I can watch television for 10 hours straight and not get up to go the bathroom.
You're the weirdest thing I've ever seen.
You should see me with my hair wet.
Do the Tanners know about you?
Yeah, they know all about me. Well, they don't know that I've had liposuction. Where'd you learn to fix telescopes? Cal tech?
No, my dad taught me. We used to find things in the trash and fix them. My dad could fix anything, especially horse races.
Wild guess. That's why he's in jail?
Yeah. Well, I'm done.
Wow! You're good! And fast!
It's no big deal.
No big deal? On Melmac, we only had one guy who knew how to fix things. They put him on display in a zoo, but the cage door was broken, so he walked away.
Good story. Is it okay if I go now?
Yeah, but remember our deal. You can't tell anyone about me.
Hey, don't worry. I live by the Ochmonek code. We don't squeal or tip.
The name's ALF.
Jake. [leaves] Bye.
Bye.
[opens the window and finds ALF from outside] What are you doing here?
I bought over a few things for you to fix. [handing Jake some stuff for him to fix] Here's a tape recorder's got fur stuck in it. I don't know how that happen.
What happened to this?
I tried to puree a rock. It didn't work.
[offscreen] Jake? Are you talking to someone?
No, it's just the TV.
Welcome to Monday Night Football.
It's Saturday!
Live from New York, it's Saturday-
I'm shutting it off.
Click! Can you fix all this stuff?
My motto is if I can't fix it, it ain't broken.
My motto is I broke it.
My dad's motto is I broke into it.
[laughs] Hey, hey! You're pretty funny for a delinquent. [pause] I love this male bonding. What do you say we go out back and throw a cat on the Barbie? Just a thought. [he leaves from the window]
Great meal, mom, what's for dessert?
You can't have dessert, until all the other food has been served.
All the other food has been served.
That's it? One measly ham? Why did I work up an appetite playing football?
Who were you playing football with?
He played by himself.
And I won. In overtime.
You didn't trample my flower garden, did you?
Don't worry, I tip-toed through your tulips.
Let's me see your feet. Feet! [she checks ALF's foot cover with her flowers] You tip-toed through my tulips, but demolished my daisies.
Don't worry, I high-tailed it past your hyacinths. Your turn. [doorbell rings] I'll get it.
I'll get it.
Thank you, Lynn. Now, where were we ALF?
Well, if I remember correctly, you were about to give me a foot massage.
ALF?
Yes?
Come here.
No problem. Kate, I'm sorry about your flowers. Please accept these along with my apologies.
They smell like feet.
I washed them in Desenex.
ALF, where is our football?
Behind your back.
[shows ALF the football] Raquel said it broke her window.
That's ridiculous! Footballs don't break windows, people do.
What about aliens?
Me, I broke nothing, I swear.
You broke those plates when you throw the football through my kitchen window.
Oh, like that's relevant.
ALF, how did this football get into the Ochmoneks' backyard?
Well, I have a theory.
Please share it.
Alright. See, I was standing near the fence. I kicked the football, it went up but it never came back down.
So what's your theory?
Well, isn't it obvious? Gravity failure. Explanation 2, what happened-
[interrupts ALF and comes to the living room] What did ALF do this time?
Nothing.
Somebody broke the Ochmoneks' window and we're trying to figure out who it was.
Say, it wasn't you, was it Brian?
No.
Brian dear, this is very important!
Hey, if the kid said he didn't do it, he didn't do it. Stop with the 3rd degree.
Fine. If he didn't do it, that makes you the prime suspect.
Brian dear, this is very important. Did you break the window?
No.
Huh? Who could it have been?
Alright, that's it. You're not watching TV for 1 month.
Why, what did I do? You can't punish me without just cause. I demand a trial.
There's no need for a trial, forget the trial.
So you do think I'm guilty. You're punishing an innocent alien.
Yeah, dad, my teacher said everyone's innocent until proven guilty.
Okay, fine. ALF gets his trial. I'll be the judge.
Oh, no offense, Willie, but I prefer a fair trial.
What you trust mom to be the judge?
Without hesitation.
I'm not gonna be the judge, and there's not gonna be a trial.
Look, I know my rights. I want my day in court and that's that! If I'm found guilty, I'll take the month with no TV.
Okay, we'll have a trial tomorrow morning after breakfast.
Fine, whatever you say, your honor. I respect your judgment and I'm not just saying that.
Stop kissing up.
I'm not kissing up. I'm innocent. Why should I have to kiss up? By the way, I love what you've done with your hair.
[angrily] STOP IT!
I'm stopped. It's stopped. You're right. You're brilliant. She's brilliant. She's really is. She's brilliant. No more kissing up. Not if she doesn't want me to kiss up. I wouldn't kiss up to the judge. Nuh-uh. [goes to the kitchen]
Willie, present your evidence.
The case is simple. We have here a broken window, and a defendant with a long, long history of reckless behavior. Starting with the day he crashed his spaceship into our garage.
Name 12 more.
To name 12 more. He set a fire in the camper, he chopped up our Christmas tree, he wrecked the toaster, he ripped that painting, he dug up the backyard, he stole a car, he buried my piano, I think that was the thing hurt me the most, he got me arrested, he used our credit cards, excessively and illegally, he short circuited the television, terrorized the cat, and he blew up the kitchen. It's not hard to imagine, that such a person would, could, and infect did kick a football through the Ochmonek's window.
Brilliant!
[while watching 3 TVs] Yeah, yeah! Oh, don't be fool. You're not the father. Buy a vowel.
What are you doing?
Watching TVs.
Turn two of those off. You're wasting electricity. [turns both TVs off]
Hey, you owe me. You made me feel like a criminal, you've scarred me for life, and now you want to take away my TV's? At long last, "Will-De-Beast," Have you no sense of decency?
ALF, how long are you going to push this guilt trip?
I was thinking 'til after Christmas.
Think again.
Hey Willie, while you're in there, could you check on my 3 TV dinners. [Willie goes to the kitchen while ALF laughs] Oh, yeah!
Willie, we voted fair and square. Uncle Albert stays in the tent.
No, you're staying in the tent, ALF.
I don't want to sleep out here. This place is swarming with armored leeches.
Those are snails.
I don't care if they're hunchback slugs. I'm not sleeping out here.
ALF, we always make you stay in the garage. I thought sleeping in a tent would be a nice change of pace.
Yeah, listen. Since Uncle Albert is such a pain, why don't you just tell the guy to bug off?
Oh, I can't do that ALF. He's family.
Fine. Now you're stuck with an unwanted house guest.
Isn't it strange how that pattern keeps repeating itself?
Why? Kate's mother is coming too?
Let's just put up the tent.
Fine. Why is it taking so long?
[he takes away the tape measure away from ALF and shakes his glasses] It's taking so long because you keep undoing everything I'm doing. Would you hand me, a box of wing nuts?
Wing nuts? I'm afraid I've eaten them.
You ate a box wing nuts?
I thought they said "walnuts". Don't bother looking for the package marked tent stakes.
I think I'd better finish this by myself.
Fine. I'll be over here if you need me. [walks away]
I'll keep that in mind in case things go too smoothly.
[after seeing Uncle Albert opening his tent] Care for a cookie? [Uncle Albert passes out and dies from the shock of seeing him] Alright, after your nap.
Hello, social services. Hold, please. Hey, Willie, call for you on line 4. Sounds like Sammy Davis, Jr.
Hello.
[like Sammy Davis] Man, how'd you like this clever ruse?
Why are you calling me? You promised to stay in the tent!
But we're out of canned peaches.
You called me for peaches?
No, I also need grape leaves, yellow cellophane, and a tag for the toe.
A tag for what?
You're not writing this down, are you?
No, I'm not. What's this all about?
It was gonna be a surprise, but Uncle Albert's dead.
What?
Don't worry, I've already started the embalming, that's why I need the peaches. [hangs up]
Wait! [hangs up]
Willie, is it true Sammy's going on the road, again?
[ALF is decorating a party as Kate comes home with the groceries]
ALF, what is going on here?
We're celebrating. Uncle Albert is gone.
He left without saying goodbye?
It was rather sudden.
Kate. Kate. [he hugs her]
Where are my peaches?
Is it true about Uncle Albert?
Well, apparently so. I mean, talk about the perfect guest. He came, he was nice and he left before we got tired of him.
Oh, Kate, please.
Hey, come on, man! Lighten up. Here, have a hat.
Have you no respect for the dead?
Dead? ALF, you said Uncle Albert was gone.
You thought he left?
Oh, my God.
What happened? ALF, exactly what happened?
Well, I was in the tent watching TV.
He saw you?
Yeah. I offered him one of Kate's cookies, but he keeled over. Hey, don't take it personally. Some people just don't have a sweet tooth. Speaking of which, did you get those canned peaches, Willie? I need to finish basting the deceased. [Willie walks away] Hey, hey, let the guy marinate in peace!
[as he comes home from school] Hey! Are we having a party?
I'm trying to.
This isn't a party.
Sure it is! It's just like a birthday party only someone else has to blow out the candles.
It's, it's true.
Hey, come on. Don't blame yourself, Willie. Gosh, if anyone killed Uncle Albert, it was me.
Now if you need us, we'll be at the Waxman Funeral Parlor.
Okay, have fun. [Willie and Kate stare at her] Sorry.
[walks outside with a banana bread and finds ALF hiding inside a box] ALF? ALF, are you in there?
[inside the box] Go away.
I brought you some banana bread. ALF, please come out of there.
No! If you see me, you'll die.
I've already seen you. I know what you look like. ALF.
I'm double-bagged for your protection.
Come on. Eat some banana bread.
I'm not hungry.
You really are upset. What was death like on Melmac?
Predictable. Everyone died at the same age. 650. There were no surprises. And you could plan.
You could stock upon fruit and things?
Exactly. And the week before you go you give away your personal belongings. The year before you go, your credit cards are canceled.
I'd be afraid to know exactly when I was gonna die.
Hey, I'd be afraid not to know. That's why I feel so bad about Uncle Albert. I took him before his time. Thanks to me, he didn't have a chance to wrap things up.
Yes, he did.
What are you talkin' about?
See, Uncle Albert came here to make amends to show us that he really could be a nice guy. A lot of people don't get a chance to do that. But he did.
Really?
Really.
Well, if that's true then I'll get over this eventually. But I'd still like to stay in this box awhile.
I understand. You need some time to think.
Yeah. [pause] Oh, hey, Lynn? You could leave that banana bread.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's ALF pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
