[Willie and ALF are playing chess]
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
[the telephone rings]
Get that, Willie. I want to plan my next move.
[short pause]
[on the phone] Hello. The who Meister? Yeah, sure. Just a minute. Hang on. It's for you. [gives the phone to ALF]
It must be Jody. [on the phone] Hello. Hey, Jod-meister. What's happening? I saw that, Willie. Your building's going where? Condo? Where's condo? Oh! Oh! Hey, it's no problem. Yeah, you could stay here till you find a new place. Well, why would anybody mind? No, we have a slogan here, welcome. It's on the mat outside. Uh, Willie sends his love. Okay, buh-bye. Hang that up, will you, Willie? [Willie hangs up the phone]
The mat outside says, wipe your feet.
Jody's blind. She'll never know.
[prepares for Jodi's arrival by moving all the furniture in the living room into a pile] Perfect. [lamp crashes] Almost perfect.
A lamp fell off the furniture.
That leads to my next 2 questions. A, what was the lamp doing on a pile of furniture? And B. Why is the furniture in a pile?
Well, aren't you forgetting C? What are we having for lunch?
[Kate and Lynn comes to the living room, shocked]
Who piled up all the furniture? ALF, why did you pile up all the furniture?
I stacked it to get it out of Jody's way.
She'll be safe as long as she stays out of the falling-lamp zone.
ALF, let's, let's rethink this. Jody lived in an apartment. Jody had furniture. Jody walked around the furniture.
See Jody. See Jody run. Run, Jody, run.
See the furniture. See the alien move the furniture back. Move, alien, move.
See the alien throw out his back. See the alien blame the Tanners. Lawsuit, Tanners, lawsuit.
[arrives home] I think the Jodster's here.
Okay, everyone, stay calm.
Well, then, show some enthusiasm.
[knocks and arrives at the Tanners] Excuse me, I'm not sure I have the right house. I'm looking for-
[chuckles] This is the place. [as she hears the car honking] Uh, it's okay. Thanks.
Come on in, Jody. I'm Willie.
Oh, the patriarch of the Tanner clan.
Sounds good to me. And-and this is my wife, Kate.
And-and this is Lynn and Brian.
Jody, run around. You won't bump into anything.
[chuckles] Oh. Well, I-I hope you didn't go to the trouble of rearranging the furniture.
It was no trouble. It was fun.
It'll be even more fun putting it back.
Oh, well, then you could do it.
Thanks for letting me stay here. I hate to impose, but I-I didn't know what else to do.
Well, you're not imposing.
No. We're glad you're here.
And stay as long as you like.
[at the end, ALF gets ready to eat Lucky]
Lucky, I'm going to show you what it's like to be plunged into a world of darkness. [shoves Lucky in his mouth until Kate comes]
Kate, just in time! The cat almost got my tongue.
Give me this cat! [takes Lucky away from him]
Bad, Lucky, bad! Now I know how Wile E. Coyote feels.
[Kate walks away with Lucky as the episode ends]
[while cutting the plants] This is pretty hefty punishment for breaking 1 measly chimney.
Hey ALF, watch this! [throws a stick to the ground]
I could see that, but it wrecked your stick trick. What was supposed to happen?
That was it. That's how you play fetch.
Fascinating game. Right up there with watching golf.
You wanna throw one? Alright. What harm could it do?
[ALF throws the stick to the Ochmoneks' backyard]
What are the chances that the crash I just heard was the Ochmoneks breaking their own window?
Slim and none. And slim is out of town.
Where did this dog come from?
She followed me home from school.
ALF, you better hide whilst I, once again, take the blame for something you did.
Thanks, Willie. You're a prince.
[comes to the Tanners' backyard] Good afternoon, guys. Does this look familiar to anyone?
Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Trevor. B-Brian and I were, we were just, sort of, play. It's $20, right?
Yeah, I'm putting in Plexiglas this time. It'll be cheaper for you in the long run.
Well, I'll see ya. [ALF pops his head out] So long, Trevor. [Trevor leaves the Tanners' backyard] She sure is a pretty dog.
Yeah, Willie. Can we, huh?
No, I don't know. I'm sure she's got an owner somewhere.
Can't we just keep her until we find the owner?
Well, I guess so. As long as it's okay with your mom.
Oh, goody, goody, goody, goody!
I didn't know you liked dogs.
What's not to like? They're loyal, obedient, they hate cats. [the dog growls] And those who eat them!
[comes in the kitchen with a beef bone that Alfina ate] Anyone lose a steak?
O-o-okay, ALF. I'm sorry I accused you.
Apology accepted. I'd hate to be in your paws, you cattle rustler!
Bad dog! Oh, I didn't mean it. No, she didn't mean it. Oh. Here. You're a good dog, aren't you? Yes, you are. Come on, pup. Come on.
[imitating Kate] You're a good dog. Yes, you are. [normal] This is an outrage! That dog should be flogged on the quarterdeck. Whatever that means.
Oh, ALF, she's just a dog. She doesn't know any better.
Ignorance is your excuse all the time.
I don't know what you're talking about.
BMrs. Buttonwood
[arrives at the Tanners to look for Alfina] Where is he?
BMrs. Buttonwood
My dog. That's who. You found him, didn't you?
Well, yes, we did. I mean, that is to say we found a dog.
BMrs. Buttonwood
He's mine. Where is he?
It's not a he. She's a she.
BMrs. Buttonwood
I knew that. Is that her?
BMrs. Buttonwood
Of course, I do. Come here, dog!
[Alfina growls]
She doesn't seem to be responding to you.
BMrs. Buttonwood
We had a fight! She'll get over it.
Uh, do you suppose and, uh, mind you, this is just a thought, that you might be mistaken about this being your dog?
BMrs. Buttonwood
I lost a dog. You found a dog. Can we do business or not?
BMrs. Buttonwood
[gives Willie her a note] Here's my address and telephone number in case you change your mind.
BMrs. Buttonwood
[yelling] HAVE A NICE DAY!
[opens the door revealing it's Hannah] Hi, can I help you?
HHannah
I came to get my dog.
HHannah
This is her. This is my dog, Francesca. Can I have her back, please?
Oh, uh, no, wait. Um, before we give her to you we have to make sure she is your dog.
HHannah
Oh, she's my dog, alright. She's brown and white and shaggy, and she does tricks.
HHannah
The wrong tricks. Like, when I tell her to sit up and beg she rolls over and plays dead.
HHannah
My dad taught her that. He has a weird sense of humor.
[comes to the living room] I can't find Alfina anywhere.
Oh, we have a little problem. Uh.
Hannah. I'm Mr. Tanner. This is my wife, Mrs. Tanner.
And these are the Tanner siblings, Brian, Lynn.
Um, Hannah is here to pick up her dog. Uh-oh. Where is she? Actually, we don't know where she is just at the moment.
HHannah
Oh, no. I have to sit down.
You know, we did find your dog. I mean, Brian found your dog. It's just that she seems to have, wandered off.
Oh, Hannah. No, don't cry. We'll help you find your dog.
And if we can't, I can think of a suitable replacement.
BMrs. Buttonwood
[as she hears Willie knocking on the door] Shut up, you mutt! I'm coming! I'm coming! Keep your pants on! [opens the door] Oh, it's you.
Oh, I-I-I'm sorry, Mrs. Buttonwood I-I hope I'm not disturbing you.
BMrs. Buttonwood
Step inside, Tanner. You're letting all the flies out.
Hey-hey, hey. Alfina. Hey, how you doing, girl? You know, Mrs. Buttonwood, I-I-I'd really like to have her back.
BMrs. Buttonwood
I'd like to be Christie Brinkley. You learn to live with it.
But the dog's real owner came by today and she, she would love to have her back.
BMrs. Buttonwood
She can have her back.
BMrs. Buttonwood
For 500 bucks.
BMrs. Buttonwood
Bucks! You have a hearing problem?
But the dog's real owner is-is a little girl. And-and she misses her so much. You know, she was crying in my living room.
BMrs. Buttonwood
Aw. Breaks your heart, doesn't it? 500 BUCKS!
Cash. You can't be too careful.
BMrs. Buttonwood
There's a lot of slime out there.
BMrs. Buttonwood
You know, I don't have $500 cash on me.
BSMrs. Buttonwood's Ex-Boyfriend
[knocking from outside] Ethel! Open up!
BMrs. Buttonwood
My ex-boyfriend, that is, if he ain't short of a dollar and jealous to the bone. Just a minute, honey. I'm not dressed yet.
BSMrs. Buttonwood's Ex-Boyfriend
Ethel! You got a man in there?'
BMrs. Buttonwood
MAYBE THERE IS! You better get out of here while your face is still in the front.
But I, I haven't done anything.
BMrs. Buttonwood
I'll give you a rain check.
BMrs. Buttonwood
Oh, that's silly!
BMrs. Buttonwood
It's all boarded up. Vince threw the mailman through it last week.
[as he climbs out of the window]Oh, suddenly, that looks like quite a drop!
BMrs. Buttonwood
Don't be a wuss.
[falls down from Mrs. Buttonwood's window] Stop!
Why did you give Alfina to that mean lady?
I'm not playing with you anymore, ever! [Willie comes in] Dad, where's Alfina?
I'm sorry, Brian. I couldn't get her back.
Mrs. Buttonwood only wanted the dog so she could get $500 from the real owner.
It's all your fault, ALF! [runs off]
He's right. I got us into this. I'll get us out. Willie, can I borrow $500,000? I'll give it back to you next payday.
I meant your next payday.
Stay out of this. You're in enough hot water!
[ALF is sitting in the kitchen wearing shades and staring at a sunlamp]
[walks over to him] What are you doing?
[with a sunlamp in front of his head] Oh, soaking up rays, Babe. Your sunlamp's not working. I've been sitting here for 5 hours, Nada.
5 hours? ALF, you're lucky you didn't get a sunburn. [she touches ALF as ALF screams] Sorry.
Aah, oh, it hurts, it hurts.
[takes the sunlamp away from ALF] Well, would you like some cold cream?
Yeah, but just one scoop, I'm on a diet.
That's where I'm trying to lose the weight.
ALF, I'm talking about cold cream. Not ice cream. Cold cream. You understand?
You're talking like they're 2 different things.
They are! Haven't you been listening?
What is this, healing through hollering?
[Brian comes in the kitchen after he had a school fight]
Looking like that? Yeesh!
[while teaching Brian karate] After this lesson, You'll never get beat up at school again.
I'm not going to school anymore.
Don't say that. School's important. If you dropout, don't get anywhere in life. You'll hang around the house all day eating and watching TV.
But I want to be like you.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Alright, now, the trick here is to concentrate all your energy and let it explode in a blinding flash of destruction. Watch. [does a karate move and hits the board] Hee-yah!
Well, that never worked before.
Okay. [does another karate move but his hand doesn't break the board] Hee-yah! I guess there's only pain when you don't break the board. Unbelievable pain.
[comes in the garage] Hey, Brian. You-your mother told me what happened. Are you okay?
Yeah, ALF's teaching me the martial arts.
I don't want you teaching my son to fight, ALF.
Oh, and I'm not? I broke my hand.
Wha.. Let me see if that. [looks at ALF's hand] It looks fine.
Thank you, Professor X-ray.
It's fine. Oh. Hey, that feels good. Could you do my shoulders?
You know, ALF, if you really wanna help, you'd teach him not to fight.
Well, he already knows how to do that. Look at his face.
Excuse me, ALF, I know where of I speak. You see, when I was about Brian's age there was a bully who lived on our block who was always picking on me.
Where of? Sorry. I'm still fascinated by the oddities of the English language.
Anyway, this bully, his name was Clarence...
Oh-ha! Tough neighborhood. [he laughs but he hits his hand again]
Every day, I'd try to stand up to him and every day he'd beat me up. Until finally my father told me to just turn the other cheek.
Is this the same grandfather that talked to corn chips?
He was a wise man. And, see, you know what happened? When I refused to fight Clarence stopped bothering me. You see, it's no fun to pick on someone who won't fight back. So tomorrow, Bobby comes up to you if he starts teasing you. I want you to just walk away, okay?
Willie, my hand still hurts. Kiss it? [Willie kisses his hand] Whoa. How continental.
[on the phone] I love you too, mom. Buh-bye. [hangs up the phone] Why are those boards in the fireplace?
ALF said, if you can't break 'em, burn 'em.
[pops up from the kitchen] Boing!
ALF, we are not going to let you burn perfectly good lumber.
Oh, right, one of these days Willie's gonna build that gazebo.
[Brian comes home from school and tries to hide his face from Lynn]
[after getting beaten up again] Nothing. See you tomorrow.
[stops Brian from leaving] Oh, no, not again.
Hi, dad. Bobby beat me up again.
I tried to walk away, like you said. But he was sitting on me at the time.
Let me get the first aid kit. [takes Brian to the kitchen] Come on, Bri, let me clean you up.
Alright! That's it! I say we fight violence with violence. That's how we used to solve things back home.
But ALF, don't you remember what happened to your planet?
Well, it blew up in a nuclear holocaust. Why?
Don't you see the connection?
Me too. I'm gonna lay down. My head is spinning. Maybe a cold cream sundae. [walks off]
You should have heard what Bobby said.
What did he say about me?
He said you must have been desperate to marry someone like mom.
I'm glad to see he's off my case.
Did he say anything about me?
Yeah. He said you were cute.
Does he know I'm mom's daughter?
[serious] This isn't funny! I'm sorry, Bri, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call Bobby's mother.
Save your dialing finger, Kate. She's not home. She went down to the liquor store.
Bobby's father. Oh, by the way, he's coming over here to beat the stuffing out of Willie.
Well, he didn't like the way you talked to him on the phone.
ALF, I thought we agreed that you'd stop impersonating me on the phone.
We agreed I would stop impersonating the cast of Green Acres. [imitating] Although, Mr. Haney could have sold Brian some revivifying potion out of the back of his truck.
ALF, what did I say, to Bobby's father?
You were a bit rough actually. It was so unlike you.
He said that. He was gonna turn your face into silly putty. Hey, look at the bright side you'll be able to reproduce the Sunday comics.
[the doorbell rings]
That might be Bobby's dad.
I'm outta here. Hey, and don't worry, Willie we won't let them keep you alive artificially. [hides away as Willie and Kate leave the kitchen]
