Jake quotes from ALF

ALF

Jake. Jake of diamonds. Jake K-L-M-N-O-P. [Jake rolls the dice] Are you still thinking about that girl?

Jake

Ever since I saw her star in that school play, I can't think of nothin' else.

ALF

What do they call this temptress?

Jake

Her name is, Laura.

ALF

And how does, Laura, feel about, Jake?

Jake

She doesn't know I'm alive!

ALF

No problem! You walk up to her and say: "Hi, I'm Jake Ockhmonek, feel my pulse."

ALF

Sleeping bag.

Brian

Yeah.

ALF

Poncho.

Brian

Yeah.

ALF

Mess kit.

Brian

It's in the closet. I'll get it.

ALF

Brian?

Brian

What?

ALF

What's a mess kit?

Brian

It's got a knife and a fork and some pans. I got it.

ALF

Why don't you pack some important stuff, like tacoroni?

Brian

I don't care. Pack whatever you want.

ALF

I sense a growing disenchantment with this venture.

Brian

Huh?

ALF

How come you don't want to go camping?

Brian

Can you keep a secret?

ALF

No, but there's a first time for everything.

Brian

I'm scared to. It's going to be dark out there.

ALF

Oh, yeah. But there'll be lots of other kids around.

Brian

That's even worse. They'll think I'm a baby.

ALF

Well, just tell Willie, then. He'll take off his glasses, rub his nose, and tell you you don't have to go.

Brian

I know, but he loves camping. He'll be real disappointed if he finds out I don't want to go.

Jake

[comes in Brian's room] Where don't you want to go?

ALF

Camping with the badger scouts.

Jake

Bright boy.

ALF

Tell him there's no reason to be scared.

Brian

That was a secret, ALF.

ALF

So revoke my security clearance.

Jake

You know, I never went camping myself, but back in New York, I heard about this one scout troop. They camped in Central Park and were never heard from again. [laughs at Brian]

Brian

Thanks a lot.

ALF

Why don't we camp out in the backyard tomorrow night? I'll show you that it's not scary, just boring.

Brian

I don't know.

ALF

We'll stay up as late as we want, go to bed without brushing our teeth, eat hot dogs until we're 10% meat by products.

Brian

Yeah.

ALF

Come on, B. Live a little. You can come too, Jake.

Jake

No thanks. I got a life.

Brian

Might be fun. Sleeping outside.

Jake

I like ceilings.

ALF

Breathing clean, fresh air.

Jake

In Los Angeles?

ALF

Being right under Lynn's window?

Jake

What do you want I should bring?

Brian

Well, it's not too scary yet.

Jake

Wait until it gets dark and the moon moves behind a cloud. And the fog rolls in. [laughs evilly]

Brian

I'm going back in the house. [he leaves but Jake stops him]

Jake

Wait. Relax. Relax. There's nothing there in the dark. That's not there in the light. Except bats. [ALF comes in grunting with his stuff] What do you have in here, ALF?

ALF

Just a few carry-on items. They'll fit in the overhead bin or under the seat in front of me.

Jake

I thought we agreed to only bring along the basics.

ALF

I did.

Jake

Let's see.

ALF

Hey, you got a search warrant?

Jake

[opens ALF's bag and looks at the stuff that ALF bought] Meatballs? The Great Outdoors? Ernest Goes to Camp?

ALF

It's the wilderness trilogy.

Jake

What are we supposed to do with these?

ALF

You didn't bring the VCR? Hey! Those are rentals.

Jake

What else have you got in here? Nothing.

ALF

Frappes.

Jake

No frappes. Cheez whiz? Meat whiz? Fish whiz?

ALF

Hey, we need something from each of the major whiz groups.

Jake

Come on, Brian. Help me pack this junk up.

ALF

Traitor.

Brian

He's right, ALF. We have to go by the badger handbook.

ALF

No cheez whiz? No frappes? No VCR? What's the point of going camping?

Jake

That is the point of going camping!

ALF

I thought that was the point of going to prison.

Jake

Look, ALF, this was your idea. Now, if we're going to do it, we're going to do it right, ok?

ALF

Alright.

Jake

What is that, ALF?

ALF

Nothing.

Jake

[answers the phone] Hello? No, cancel the pizza.

ALF

We're going to die.

Jake

[telling his scary story to ALF and Brian] So the cab broke down in the seedy part of the lower east side, see. Just as the cabbie got out to check the engine, a big cloud of steam blew up from the deserted subway station below, the one they had to close after a bunch of guys died mysteriously down there.

ALF

Ahh! What's that?

Jake

I think it was the wind. Unless it was a cab. [laughs]

ALF

Ahh! Cut that out! You're scaring Brian.

Brian

It's just a story, ALF. What happened next, Jake?

Jake

Ok, ok. Out of the cloud of steam came the phantom of the subway. Dressed all in black, a hood covering his skull-like face. And instead of a hand, he had a gleaming hook.

ALF

Isn't it time to sneak across the crick to the girls camp? And blow out their citronella candles?

Jake

Now, where was I? The gleaming hook.

ALF

Sheesh!

Jake

So the phantom hails the cab with his good hand. And the cabbie's scared, so he yells, "I'm off duty, buddy!" But the phantom doesn't know from off duty. And slowly walks over.

ALF

[singing] Michael, row your boat ashore.

Brian

ALF, the story's just getting good.

ALF

Now, all the baptists. [singing] Hallelujah!

Jake

So the phantom reaches into the cab and snags the cabbie by the neck and drags him down into the subway with him! Until all you could hear was the phantom laughing. [laughs evilly again]

ALF

It's the haunted taxi! Yikes! Yikes! Yikes! Yikes! [he runs away from Jake and Brian as Willie and Lynn feel very shocked] Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!

Willie

ALF is hailing a cab in the den. [he sees Jake running in the living room] Exactly when did I lose control?

Jake

Yo, ALF!

ALF

There's nobody here but us pillow shams.

Jake

[uncovers ALF] What's your problem?

ALF

Nothing. I was just afraid I'd catch my death of gleaming hook out there.

Jake

How's Brian supposed to get over being afraid if you turn chicken on us?

ALF

Let him get over his fear of the dark in the morning, when it's light out.

Jake

We're camping in your backyard. What do you think, psychopaths get a map of the Tanner house from the Triple AAA?

ALF

Do I look that stupid? I'm talking about real dangers, Likeslugs.

Jake

You scared of slugs?

ALF

Real threat to those of us who go barefoot.

Jake

If I promise to de-Slug the yard, Will you come back outside?

ALF

No way.

Jake

Hey, but we're making real progress out there! Once Brian realizes you're scared, He'll be scared. I mean, you could ruin his whole life. What girl's gonna wanna date a guy who won't go out after dark?

ALF

Then you help him. I can't.

Jake

I'm telling you, there's nothing scary out there. Unless you count that herd of stray cats that prowls every night.

ALF

Cats?

Jake

Big ones. Lots of them, too.

ALF

Well, maybe you're right. How scary can our backyard be?

Jake

I knew you'd come around.

ALF

I'm only doing this for Brian.

Jake

Yeah, I know.

ALF

Can we stop in the kitchen and get the wok?

ALF

Oh, and no more scary stories, Jake.

Jake

Well, just one more. The headless stockbroker.

ALF

Forget it.

Jake

Oh, where's Brian?

ALF

Oh, no! He's been gleaming hooked!

Jake

Maybe he's in the tent.

ALF

Hey, he is in here. He's sleeping.

Jake

So much for being afraid of the dark.

ALF

Well, my work here is done. See you at brunch.

Jake

Wait! What if he wakes up in the middle of the night and sees you deserted him?

ALF

Cover for me.

Jake

Come on, ALF. Brian's counting on you.

ALF

I hate being a role model! Here, sluggy. Here I come. Here, sluggy, sluggy, sluggy. I'll be in my sleeping bag. Good sluggy. Hey, who's gonna tuck me in?

Jake

Nobody gets tucked in in the wilderness!

ALF

Well, at least zip me up! [Jake zips up his sleeping bag] Hey, hey, watch the fur!

Jake

It's for your own protection. We don't want any slugs getting in, do we?

ALF

Zip it up over my head.

Jake

Good night, ALF.

ALF

Good night, John boy.

Jake

It's right after the stock market crashed. There was this headless stockbroker! [laughs]

ALF

You know, Jake? There are places you can go for that.

Jake

Party pooper.

ALF

This is the worst night of my life! [tries to get up but falls asleep]

ALF

[from the window] Yo, Jake!

Jake

ALF, how long have you been out there?

ALF

Long enough. For but what it's worth, I think you did the right thing.

Jake

Yeah? Then how come I feel so crummy?

ALF

You ate Kate's cooking last night, remember? Anyway, I'm glad you're not going back to New York.

Jake

I, uh, kinda wish I was.

ALF

Well, that was really nice what you said to your mom. You know, there's nothing like the love between a mother and child. Except, maybe the love between two florists.

Jake

Give this back to Mrs. Tanner, would you? And, uh, tell her I'm, we're sorry.

ALF

So what happens to your mother now?

Jake

I guess she'll go back to her doctor.

ALF

Well, I hope he's an eye doctor. This is the ugliest pin I've ever seen! Looks like a blood clot. Ha. Blood clot! Ha! Oh, I kill me. [Jakes closes the bedroom curtain]

ALF

So I say, "Psst, you're eating footwear!" [laughs] I love that scene! Brilliant!

Jake

It was in a Charlie Chaplin movie.

ALF

So what, Jake hammer? Haven't you heard the old saying, "Imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism"? Suddenly there's a knock at the door.

Jake

It's Jake Ochmonek, the next-door neighbor.

ALF

[imitates buzzer] Wrong!