Willie is working on his car but bumps his head on the hood when ALF honks the horn
Horn works!
Willie{sarcastic}: Thank you.
Why don't we just kill this thing for the insurance money? We'll make it look like an accident!
“Fight Back” · Season 3, Episode 13
In this episode: ALF (6), Willie Tanner (3), Kate Tanner (1), Lynn Tanner (1), Brian Tanner (1), Jake (1), Trevor (1)
JOJake Ochmonek
Hey, this is the problem, the spark plugs! Jake does some work OK, Mr. Tanner, start it up!
Willie starts engine and it sputters to life
Wow! Thank you, Jake!
JOJake Ochmonek
You are welcome. Hey, I do not want to sound conspiratorial, but it looked as if the wires were cut just shy of being severed. Wonder why that is?
It means Willie was gypped!
ALF!
JOJake Ochmonek
Actually, ALF may be on to something. There have been fraud cases where mechanics fix one part of the car then sabotage another part to create unneccesary repeat business.
If Lynn starts humming the "Battle Hymn of the Republic," I'm pulling the plug on this production!
Hey, I wonder if Horrowitz is going to fight back against the man who gave him that suit!
Remember, Kate, I like my waffles crisp, yet al dente. Cooked to a golden amber, and served piping hot on a gently warmed plate. [Kate puts the waffle on his plate] How does she do it?
Do you want some maple syrup, ALF?
On waffles? How gauche. Get me the garlic salt?
Guess what? The car won't start again.
You just got it fixed.
3 times in 2 weeks. Every time they fix 1 thing, something else goes wrong.
Well, I don't get it. Why keep spending money on something that doesn't work and causes nothing but aggravation?
Somehow we've gotten used to it. [ALF burps] Sort of.
Speaking of aggravation we're out of garlic salt.
[from outside] Hey, Tanners! Guess who?
Let me take a stab. It's the wacky next door neighbor. [hides under the table]
Come on in, Trevor.
Hi, Willie. Hi, Kate. Hi, kids.
Hi Trevor.
I just stopped by to see if you needed a ride to work again.
Well, as a matter of fact, I do. My car won't start again.
You should let Jake take a look at it. Kid could fix anything, has my car running like Florence Joyner. Oh, by the way, Jake will be doing the driving this morning. I hope you don't mind.
I didn't know Jake could drive.
He can't.
I think I mind.
He just got his learner's permit. I'm teaching him. Kid's a natural. 5 days he's been driving, hasn't hit a living thing. We'll bring the car out front.
[hiding under the table] Yo, Lynn, you could use a pedicure. [Lynn kicks him from under the table] Ow!
[Willie is fixing the car in the garage and he bumps his head on the car's hood when ALF honks at the car]
Ow!
Horn works!
Thank you.
Why don't we just kill this thing for the insurance money? We'll make it look like an accident.
[sees Jake come in the garage] Oh, hello, Jake.
Hi, Mr. Tanner. Hey, ALF.
What brings you over, Jake-Speare?
Aunt Raquel and Uncle Trevor are showing slides from their trip to Carlsbad caverns. All 400 of them.
I've seen those. 216 stalactites. 184 stalagmites.
Those are the ones. Still having car trouble, huh?
Yeah, but have no fear. It's being handled by Mr. No-Goodwrench.
Mind if I take a look?
Be my guest. I got a hunch it's the distributor.
Well, that rules out the distributor!
No, here's your problem. It's the spark plug wire. I'll have it fixed in no time.
Well, thanks, Jake.
Don't be embarrassed, Willie.
Oh, I'm not embarrassed.
Not everybody can fix things.
I'm not embarrassed.
I'm sure there are several things you could do that--
I'm not embarrassed.
Ok, Mr. Tanner. Start her up when I say now. Ok, now. [car engine starts]
Now are you embarrassed?
[car engine stops]
Jake, what can I say? Thank you.
You never thank me when I humiliate you.
You know, I can't be sure, but it looks like somebody cut that wire on purpose, then just patched it together real loose. Has anybody been under the hood lately?
Don't look at me. I just honked the horn.
Well, I have been taking the car to a new mechanic lately, but I-
There's your problem. The guy's a crook.
Oh, ALF, don't jump to conclusions like that.
No, I saw it on 60 Minutes. These mechanics fix 1 thing, Then they break something else so you keep coming back.
You know, ALF could be right, Mr. Tanner. I've heard of that scam, too, on that David Horowitz Show.
Well, why don't I just give the garage a call? There must be a simple explanation for this broken wire.
Yeah, you got took. Conned. Nicked and clipped. You got your horn swoggled and your film flamed.
[on the phone] Hello, Sam, it's Willie Tanner here. Yes, it's nice to hear your voice again, too. Listen, Sam, I wonder if you noticed anything unusual about my car. Uh, engine wise, I mean. Uh, like, say, uh, severed wire.
Yo crook! This is Mike Wallace! You're under arrest! [Willie walks away]
ALF, shh!
No, I'm not accusing you, but it is possible. Not that I'm accusing you, mind, but-but you understand. That's not an accusation.
If memory serves Bob Newhart is much funnier doing his phone bit.
Well, I guess we have nothing more to say to one another. [hangs up the phone] You know, I'm beginning to think you may be right. I'm gonna call the Better Business Bureau.
Have them throw the book at this guy. Preferably something by James Michener.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's ALF pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.