[Willie sees ALF is wearing a box on his head when he's sleeping and he beeps]
WillieWhat are you doing?
Well, I was sleeping till you woke me up.
Willie
Well, since when do you sleep standing up?
Since I started sleeping with that box on my head.
Willie
You look ridiculous.
Well, not everyone sleeps like you. Mouth open, drooling on the pillow.
Willie
How do you know how I look when I sleep?
I go into your bedroom at night and watch you and Kate.
Willie
I don't like you doing that.
Well, hey, you were watching me.
Willie
I couldn't sleep. I came out to get a glass of milk. I heard you- [yells as he steps on a tack] Aahh!
Willie
ALF, there are tacks on the floor.
It's my alarm system. In case a burglar shows up. Getting one of your headaches, again? You know what's good for that? Jogging. I've been doing a lot of it lately.
Willie
I don't think jogging is the answer. You've been jogging?
Yeah. You can really see the definition in my thigh muscles.
Willie
You actually go outside, in the street where people can see you?
I jog at night and I wear a dark headband.
Willie
I'm going to go back to bed and drool. [yells and steps on another tack as he leaves]
[ALF is pretending to be Willie and Willie is pretending to be ALF]
Okay, since we're at the dinner table, let's just act we would at a dinner table, and we can start off by you Willie being ALF.
Willie
Food! Food! Give me more food! I haven't had a meal in, oh, half an hour! HA!
No, no, ALF! No, no! No food for you! You already ate last month!
Willie
[burps] I finished my meal. I guess I'll go watch TV while everyone else does the dishes!
I think we watch enough TV in this house. We ought to do something more stimulating. I know. Let's conjugate verbs!
Willie
No, how about, how about if we just break things? [crumbles up a piece of bread]
Oh, no, that would be wrong! Wro-WROOOOOONG!
Willie
Alright, then. How about if we eat the cat? [eyes Lynn as if she was the cat] How ya doin', Lucky?
Sorry. Household rule #856, subsection D, paragraph 2: We do not eat the cat!
Willie
Oh, rules, schmules! I hate rules! I like, I like anarchy!
Well, I don't believe in anarchy! It's much too spontaneous! Wow, look how late it's getting. And I still have to lay out my clothes for the rest of the year!
Willie
That's it. This isn't helping. I quit.
ALF, there are no winners in this thing.
Well, I was ahead on points.
Willie
That's not true.
Well, I think I've heard enough. I mean, you guys obviously don't get along, okay? I think, ALF should move out.
Willie
Move out?
Move out? What does he mean, move out?
Are you sayin' that ALF should get a place of his own?
Well, that-that's crazy. Do you know what rents are? What am I talking about?
You can move in with me. I've got an extra room.
Willie
ALF, you're not going anywhere.
Willie
Because people would find him out.
Willie
Well, I don't want anything to happen to him.
Uh-huh. You do care what happens to ALF.
Willie
Well, of course I care. I always did. I just think that sometimes, it seems that, that ALF doesn't care a heck of a lot about me.
Not care? Not care about the guy who's protected me and provided for me for all these months?
Willie
You appreciated all of that?
Of course, I appreciate it. Hey, if you got a problem, let's talk. I mean, if fake vomit's not your cup of tea I'll lose it.
Willie
Oh, yeah, I'd appreciate that. And, in return, I'll, really try to be...more flexible.
Hey, see what a little communication can do?
Well, I think we've all become a little closer here. We should toast this occasion.
Yeah, come on, dad, make a toast.
Willie
Well, alright, to-
Willie
Communication. [he and the family toast their glasses, then he drinks water out of his glass] And to, dribble glasses.
[Willie comes in his and Kate's room and sees ALF watching the Ochmoneks' fight from the window]
Hey! Pull up a chair, Willie. You're missing a good one.
Willie
What are you doing?
Watching the Ochmoneks' fight. Trevor's ahead on points.
Willie
ALF, you're not supposed to watch through their windows. Find something else to do.
Willie, there's a power blackout. There's no TV, no video games. I can't play blink the lights.
Willie
We're all suffering, ALF. Why don't you go out in the backyard and play?
Willie
You could fry a cat on the sidewalk.
Willie
Say, why are you wearing my T-shirt?
This is what people wear when they swelter. I saw it in Streetcar.
Willie
I don't like you taking my clothes and [takes his opera glasses away from ALF] I don't like you using my opera glasses to spy on the neighbors!
Boy, you get irritable when it's hot. Remind me to never take you to Mercury!
Willie
Deal. [goes in the bathroom]
Hey! Would you knock off the sax?
[ALF barges into Willie and Kate's room and wake them both up]
Call the police! Call the police! Call the police! Horrible! Horrible! Worse than Friday the 13th Part 2! Worse than Friday the 13th Part 3!
Willie
[finds ALF] ALF, what's going on?
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about murder. I'm talking about mayhem. I'm talking about foul play.
Willie
ALF, get to the point or go back to sleep.
Alright. I just saw Mr. Ochmonek kill Mrs. Ochmonek.
Willie
Oh, come on.
I'm serious. I heard them fighting. Then I saw Mr. Ochmonek pick up an ice pick.
Willie
Maybe you misinterpreted things.
Oh, right. Maybe they were playing ice pick bingo.
ALF, you we're always doing. Do you remember when you thought Mr. Littwak was building an atomic bomb in his basement?
Willie
It was a pool heather.
Ha! The Littwak's don't even own a pool.
Willie
Look, it's hot tonight, you're tired. You're having a hard time distinguishing fantasy from reality.
So you're saying I'm crazy?
Willie
I'm saying your mind may have been playing tricks on you.
Fine, don't believe me. They didn't believe The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Willie
The Boy Who Cried Wolf lied.
He did? I've gotta stop speed-reading books.
[ALF wakes up and screams in the middle of the night when he pulls up the curtain to find Trevor scaring him]
Whoa. It was only a dream. I've gotta stop eating Styrofoam before I go to bed. [he screams again when he finds Trevor standing next to him until the Tanners come]
ALF! ALF, are you alright?
Willie
What happened?
Hey, watch the shoulders! I've got bursitis.
ALF, what were you screaming about?
It was horrible. Trevor was after me.
I don't see Mr. Ochmonek.
Well, he was here a minute ago. Check behind the refrigerator.
Brian, ALF was just having a nightmare.
Willie
That is exactly what happens to people who stare into other people's windows.
Isn't he wonderful? The guy can turn anything into an object lesson.
Would you like us to stay with you for a little while?
Willie
Come on, Brian. ALF, try to get some sleep.
I can't. I'm too wound up. I've been through a trauma.
Come on, Lynnie, let's go to bed. Good night, ALF.
Willie
[voiceover] Good night, ALF.
[Kate and Lynn leave the kitchen]
Okay, don't fall asleep. Don't fall asleep. Don't fall asleep. Ignore that. Ignore that. Oh, heck, why must I be so darn curious? [he pulls up the blinds and finds Trevor digging a hole outside in the middle of the night] Alas, poor Mrs. Ochmonek, I knew her well.
Willie
Alright, everyone. We just got a few minutes now before the last rehearsal. So Brian, why don't you and I run over the song before Spencer gets here?
I stink. Spencer says so.
Willie
What do you care what Spencer says?
Because he laughs at me and makes me forget the words. I don't like him. He's mean.
Willie
Brian, that's not really. That's not fair. I'm sure Spencer has some very fine qualities.
That's not what you said last night.
Willie
Well, maybe an unkind word slipped in here or there.
Willie, you said the kid was fungus.
Willie
I did not. And even if I did, that's not the point.
Willie
The point is moot. The little fungus is here now.
Yeah, I know. 86 the alien.
Let's go to my room. [walks away]
Forgotten. Why would anyone throw away the head?
Mom, since when do you bet on horses?
That's funny, I can't picture you at a racetrack.
I can picture her running! [laughs]
I wonder how long it would take to pull all the hair out of your body.
Mom, how come you never took me to a race track?
I never go to a race track. You meet an unsavory element there. I bet with a bookie.
Ah! They're not unsavory.
Forgive my ignorance, but what's a bookie?
Nick the Fish is not unsavory.
Willie
[comes out from the kitchen] Hi Dorothy.
Willie, did you know my mother bets on horses?
Willie
Yeah.
So, how much did you win grandma?
Willie
Say, that's even better than last week.
Well, that's fine mom, but I mean what if you had lost?
But it's all our inheritance.
For your information, I'm planning to leave all my money to the Alien Task Force.
Sure, punish your grandchildren.
Come on, mom, let's take this stuff in the kitchen and tag it.
I'll give you a hand with these old clothes.
Willie
Yeah, I've got flyers to make.
Well, I might as well make myself useful.
Hold on Dorothy! Can you make a lot of money with this horse-racing thing only?
No problem, put me in for 50 bucks.
Where did you get 50 bucks? Have you been going through my purse again?
Yes, but that's not where I got the money. By the way you're out of Tic Tacs.
Where did you get the 50 bucks?
Rebate coupons. Anyway, if you'll just slip 50 to Mr. Fisch.
No thanks, I just brushed.
His name is Nick Mintz. And I'm not gonna place any bets for you!
I'm not doing this for me!
No, you're raising money for charity.
Oh excellent comeback Dorothy. You must know, it's for a balloon payment. Which by the way has nothing to do with a balloon.
Well I don't care what it has to do with. I am still not gonna place any bets for you. And it was a dynamite comeback.
Once again, left to my own devices.
[Willie is fixing the TV at home]
Willie
They've gone to the movies.
Willie
I'm fixing the TV.
Willie
Yes. I'm going out a little later, and it's dangerous to leave you alone with nothing to do.
Are you referring to that chemical spill?
Willie
Chemical spill? What chemical spill?
Nothing. Willie, how about a game of "Trivial Pursuit"? I promise not to pick any science questions.
Willie
No, thanks.
I think you should leave this for a qualified repairman.
Willie
Well Mr. Smarty.
Willie
For your information, I've located the problem: there's no power going into the high-voltage transformer.
Willie
That would help.
Your call. [he accidentally electrocutes Willie after pressing the button on the TV] Willie, it was an accident.
Willie
[angrily after being electrocuted by ALF] AN ACCIDENT? AN ACCIDENT? YOU ALMOST KILLED ME? AND YOU SAY IT WAS AN ACCIDENT?
Alright, let's call it a mistake! [doorbell rings] You want to get that, that's probably "Consumer Ed."
Willie
You called him "Consumer Ed" after I asked you not to?
You didn't say not too. You need to be more specific.
Willie
I hope it is "Consumer Ed", because I'm turning you in to him! Won't that be an interesting story for the 6:00 news!
Yeah, I think I left the oven on. [leaves to go to the kitchen]
[Willie goes to kitchen to find ALF wearing toy lips to his mouth]
Willie
[takes off ALF's lip toy off his mouth] I'll get right to the point. You told Brian to add those 2 planets to his model, didn't you?
No, I didn't. He did it on his own.
Willie
Didn't you?
Well, I admit I was indirectly involved.
Willie
[angrily] It was wrong of you to be involved at all!
But I took care of it. I called his teacher and set her straight.
Willie
So I heard now, that the principal is here and it's all because of your ridiculous stories of yours!
Ridiculous? You're gonna feel a little silly when I tell you this but I called the Mount Palomar Observatory today and they have no knowledge of the planet, Alvin.
Willie
How surprising.
They do, however, know of Dave, only they call him Chiron.
Willie
Object Kowal.
Willie? Willie, snap out of it.
Willie
No, ALF, ALF. In the late 70s, an object was spotted in space, originally called "Object Kowal." It was later named "Chiron." And astronomers thought that could be a 10th planet just somewhere just beyond Pluto.
Somewhere? I'll show you exactly where.
Willie
What's this? [opens up ALF's map] Rand McNally, Guide to the Stars.
I keep it in my glove compartment.
Willie
This, this is incredible. You have a guide to the galaxy.
Well, it's 3 years old. A few of the stars have exploded. Now, let's see, Dave. Dave, G6.
Willie
Mileage between cities, Melmac, San Francisco.
Oh, here it is. Dave. Right here.
Willie
Dave. And there's Alvin. What's that little one?
Willie
You weren't making this up. I owe you an apology.
Willie
So is Mrs. Lyman. [opens the kitchen window] Oh, say, could I get you anything?
LMrs. Lyman
No, I'm fine.
Willie
Oh, wax lips.
I have 2 questions for you.
Willie
Yeah?
First, can I have my lips back? Thanks. And second, you gonna tell her the truth about the planets?
Willie
I don't think I can.
Why not? Show her the map.
Willie
Oh, good idea. And when she asks us where we got it, then where will we be?
Alright, alright, so you can't show her the map. But just because you don't have any proof, that ends it? I mean, what's with this planet? Here's a chance to open people's minds. Where are the freethinkers? The dreamers?
Willie
I don't know, but apparently, not in Brian's school. I'm afraid I'm just gonna have to go out there and tell her this has all been a big mistake.
In other words, you're gonna lie.
[Willie leaves the kitchen]
Hold it. I haven't had my dessert.
I know what you're going to say. I shouldn't bring treats to the table unless I have enough for everyone. Well we're in luck.
Willie
No, we're not.
You're sure? There's a surprise in the centre.
Alf, where did you get those?
Melmac. I usually buy wild cherry, but all they had left was slug.
What's the surprise in the centre?
I'll give you a hint. In wild cherry, it was a cherry.
Willie
We'll pass.
Okay, more for me. You know, it's a lucky thing I found these when I was cleaning out my spaceship. A couple of more months and they would have gone bad.
Oh, they're not that stale.
Roach? Well, I think someone's been slacking off on her housekeeping.
Willie
It ran under the bag.
There it goes. Look, it has blue eyes.
Of course it does. It's a roach. Haven't you ever heard the expression, "her eyes were as blue as a roach's"?
Would somebody just squash it!
Willie
Wait a minute, Kate. This thing came all the way from Melmac. It's a unique specimen.
We already have a unique specimen from Melmac.
You're comparing me to a cockroach?
I'm going to get the spray.
But, mom, wait. I want to take it to show and tell.
It will be just as interesting dead.
Willie
No, no, here's what we should do. We should catch it. I'll build a little box. We'll put a piece of donut right in the middle. Then you guys make sure ALF doesn't get the doughnut before the roach does. Then I'll-[Kate sprays the roach with insecticide]
You mentioned something about a donut?
ALF, we are trying to figure out what to do with the roach.
Willie
What?
Look, it's not there anymore.
Maybe you didn't spray it enough.
I'm going to call a donut place that delivers.
Come on everybody. We are going to find that roach.
Willie
Kate, calm down.
Calm down? There is a space-roach loose in our house.
Well maybe it went somewhere to die with dignity.
Willie
Yeah, alright, ALF, you can order the donuts.
I already did. But that's not why I said, "psst."
Willie
Why did you say, "psst"?
Willie
What is all this secrecy about?
I didn't want to upset Kate.
Willie
What is it that would upset Kate?
I believe a foot-long cockroach would upset Kate. [he points] Ol' blue eyes is back. [he screeches]
Yo, Tanner. You in there?
Willie
ALF, under the counter.
It's crawling with spiders back there!
Willie
Go!
Well, can I at least take something to read? Steve Allen's World of Bugs. Great, I've already read it. [he ducks down behind the counter]
Willie
Hi Trevor.
I saw the exterminator leave your house in such a hurry, he dropped his tank. Bugs?
Willie
Oh, yeah, we have a little cockroach problem.
Ah, yeah, cockroaches. Blattella Germanica, our little prehistoric friend. You know, cockroach fossils have been found that are over 300,000,000 years old.
Willie
That's nice, Trevor.
I'll never forget the cockroach problem we had back in Korea. They were everywhere. Taking a step was like walking on crackers. You get enough of that in your system, forget it. They showed us a movie about it. David Niven was brilliant. Well, I'll see ya. Oh, by the way, I took the liberty of spraying around your house.
Willie
You, what?
Yeah. I noticed the exterminator forgot to do it, so I dosed it up for you. Real good. No charge.
Willie
Oh, no! [he rushes from the garage]
Willie
[comes home with the groceries] ALF, ALF, are you okay?
Oh, hi, Willie. Did you get the donuts?
Willie
ALF, what did you do?
Nothing much. Watched a little TV. Killed a bug.
Willie
How did you kill it?
Willie
That's perfume. I bought that for Kate on her last birthday.
You had roach problems then, too?
Willie
How did you know to use this?
Well, I analyzed the list of ingredients and based on what I know about the physiology of Melmacian cockroaches.
Willie
ALF.
Willie
I can't believe you took this roach on all by yourself. You could have been killed.
When it comes to defending my home, I'm an animal. That's just the way I'm made.
Willie
Well, I want to, uh, I want to drag this outside before Kate gets back.
No, don't rough it up. Once they dry out, they get brittle.
Willie
What difference does that make?
Are you kidding? I plan to have that guy stuffed and mounted, A.S.A.P. I thought it would look good over the fireplace.
Willie
We're getting rid of it! [the telephone rings] Hello? Oh, hi Kate, I was about to call you. I've got some good news about the roach and some bad news about your birthday present.
Willie, big news, the Alfer's won a contest.
Willie
Yeah, oh, let's see. You won a copy of Cat Lovers Monthly?
Yeah, kinda a let down, no recipes.
Willie
How did you win this?
I entered that publisher's sweepstakes thing. I licked all those magazine stamps, and stuck them on my entry.
Willie
You sent in all those stamps?
Well, all except redbook. It's still stuck to the roof of my mouth.
Willie
Just how many magazines did you win?
Check the front porch. [Willie opens the door] Oops.
Willie
ALF! You didn't win a contest, you subscribed to hundreds of magazines!
Oh, well, that explains this personal thank-you note from Ed McMahon.
Well here's your cappuccino.
Where's the grated cheese?
[while seeing Willie and Kate come home with groceries] Willie, Kate, I have something to tell you. This time the old ALFers really want something.
Willie
What now? 11 records for a penny?
No, this time the ALFer's one stuff for everybody. Pony rides for Bryan. Tennis lessons for Lynn. Dinner and dancing for you two and best of all for the old ALFer a toaster. I guess you didn't hear me. A TOASTER!
Did I mention that the toaster talks.
Oh, ALF, this is just a real estate promotion a free toaster for listening to a sales pitch about to vacation homes.
Willie
There may be a pony ride, but there's also a 7-hour car ride to get to this place. I'm not driving 7 hours. Sorry, ALF.
Willie
Alfer.
[the doorbell rings]
ALF · 397 quotes
