ALFOr in the words of Dustan, "It ill-becomes us to jest at a fallen potentate and still less before he has fallen."
Say, how much longer are you going to do this?
ALF
Well, if I may quote Porky Pig, "G'b, g'b, g'b, g'b, that's all, folks!" And speaking of Porky (sniffs the air) do I smell bacon?
ALF
Well, I'd like to.
I thought you spent the whole night eating, eating cats.
ALF
I don't think I did. At least, I don't feel bloated. But now that you mention cats, I do remember storing something in the garage.
The garage? You, this way. [he and ALF head to the garage] If you've stolen any cats, they're going back immediately. Do you understand?
ALF
No problem.
[ALF and Willie enter the garage but they discover that there is a tiger inside]
I'll take him back right after breakfast.
[Willie sees ALF is wearing a box on his head when he's sleeping and he beeps]
ALF
Well, I was sleeping till you woke me up.
Well, since when do you sleep standing up?
ALF
Since I started sleeping with that box on my head.
ALF
Well, not everyone sleeps like you. Mouth open, drooling on the pillow.
How do you know how I look when I sleep?
ALF
I go into your bedroom at night and watch you and Kate.
I don't like you doing that.
ALF
Well, hey, you were watching me.
I couldn't sleep. I came out to get a glass of milk. I heard you- [yells as he steps on a tack] Aahh!
ALF
Oh, good, it works.
ALF, there are tacks on the floor.
ALF
It's my alarm system. In case a burglar shows up. Getting one of your headaches, again? You know what's good for that? Jogging. I've been doing a lot of it lately.
I don't think jogging is the answer. You've been jogging?
ALF
Yeah. You can really see the definition in my thigh muscles.
You actually go outside, in the street where people can see you?
ALF
I jog at night and I wear a dark headband.
I'm going to go back to bed and drool. [yells and steps on another tack as he leaves]
[ALF is pretending to be Willie and Willie is pretending to be ALF]
Okay, since we're at the dinner table, let's just act we would at a dinner table, and we can start off by you Willie being ALF.
Food! Food! Give me more food! I haven't had a meal in, oh, half an hour! HA!
ALF
No, no, ALF! No, no! No food for you! You already ate last month!
[burps] I finished my meal. I guess I'll go watch TV while everyone else does the dishes!
ALF
I think we watch enough TV in this house. We ought to do something more stimulating. I know. Let's conjugate verbs!
No, how about, how about if we just break things? [crumbles up a piece of bread]
ALF
Oh, no, that would be wrong! Wro-WROOOOOONG!
Alright, then. How about if we eat the cat? [eyes Lynn as if she was the cat] How ya doin', Lucky?
ALF
Sorry. Household rule #856, subsection D, paragraph 2: We do not eat the cat!
Oh, rules, schmules! I hate rules! I like, I like anarchy!
ALF
Well, I don't believe in anarchy! It's much too spontaneous! Wow, look how late it's getting. And I still have to lay out my clothes for the rest of the year!
That's it. This isn't helping. I quit.
ALF
I win.
ALF, there are no winners in this thing.
ALF
Well, I was ahead on points.
Well, I think I've heard enough. I mean, you guys obviously don't get along, okay? I think, ALF should move out.
ALF
Move out? What does he mean, move out?
Are you sayin' that ALF should get a place of his own?
Well, that-that's crazy. Do you know what rents are? What am I talking about?
You can move in with me. I've got an extra room.
ALF, you're not going anywhere.
Because people would find him out.
Well, I don't want anything to happen to him.
Uh-huh. You do care what happens to ALF.
Well, of course I care. I always did. I just think that sometimes, it seems that, that ALF doesn't care a heck of a lot about me.
ALF
Not care? Not care about the guy who's protected me and provided for me for all these months?
You appreciated all of that?
ALF
Of course, I appreciate it. Hey, if you got a problem, let's talk. I mean, if fake vomit's not your cup of tea I'll lose it.
Oh, yeah, I'd appreciate that. And, in return, I'll, really try to be...more flexible.
Hey, see what a little communication can do?
ALF
Well, I think we've all become a little closer here. We should toast this occasion.
Yeah, come on, dad, make a toast.
ALF
Communication.
Communication. [he and the family toast their glasses, then he drinks water out of his glass] And to, dribble glasses.
[Willie comes in his and Kate's room and sees ALF watching the Ochmoneks' fight from the window]
ALF
Hey! Pull up a chair, Willie. You're missing a good one.
ALF
Watching the Ochmoneks' fight. Trevor's ahead on points.
ALF, you're not supposed to watch through their windows. Find something else to do.
ALF
Willie, there's a power blackout. There's no TV, no video games. I can't play blink the lights.
We're all suffering, ALF. Why don't you go out in the backyard and play?
ALF
In this heat?
You could fry a cat on the sidewalk.
ALF
Well, I could.
Say, why are you wearing my T-shirt?
ALF
This is what people wear when they swelter. I saw it in Streetcar.
I don't like you taking my clothes and [takes his opera glasses away from ALF] I don't like you using my opera glasses to spy on the neighbors!
ALF
Boy, you get irritable when it's hot. Remind me to never take you to Mercury!
Deal. [goes in the bathroom]
ALF
Hey! Would you knock off the sax?
[ALF barges into Willie and Kate's room and wake them both up]
ALF
Call the police! Call the police! Call the police! Horrible! Horrible! Worse than Friday the 13th Part 2! Worse than Friday the 13th Part 3!
[finds ALF] ALF, what's going on?
ALF
Don't ask.
What are you talking about?
ALF
I'm talking about murder. I'm talking about mayhem. I'm talking about foul play.
ALF, get to the point or go back to sleep.
ALF
Alright. I just saw Mr. Ochmonek kill Mrs. Ochmonek.
ALF
I'm serious. I heard them fighting. Then I saw Mr. Ochmonek pick up an ice pick.
Maybe you misinterpreted things.
ALF
Oh, right. Maybe they were playing ice pick bingo.
ALF, you we're always doing. Do you remember when you thought Mr. Littwak was building an atomic bomb in his basement?
ALF
It was an atomic bomb.
ALF
Ha! The Littwak's don't even own a pool.
ALF
They do? Can we go over?
Look, it's hot tonight, you're tired. You're having a hard time distinguishing fantasy from reality.
ALF
So you're saying I'm crazy?
I'm saying your mind may have been playing tricks on you.
ALF
Fine, don't believe me. They didn't believe The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
The Boy Who Cried Wolf lied.
ALF
He did? I've gotta stop speed-reading books.
[ALF wakes up and screams in the middle of the night when he pulls up the curtain to find Trevor scaring him]
ALF
Whoa. It was only a dream. I've gotta stop eating Styrofoam before I go to bed. [he screams again when he finds Trevor standing next to him until the Tanners come]
ALF! ALF, are you alright?
ALF
Hey, watch the shoulders! I've got bursitis.
ALF, what were you screaming about?
ALF
It was horrible. Trevor was after me.
I don't see Mr. Ochmonek.
ALF
Well, he was here a minute ago. Check behind the refrigerator.
Brian, ALF was just having a nightmare.
That is exactly what happens to people who stare into other people's windows.
ALF
Isn't he wonderful? The guy can turn anything into an object lesson.
Would you like us to stay with you for a little while?
ALF
Yes, please. Forever.
Come on, Brian. ALF, try to get some sleep.
ALF
I can't. I'm too wound up. I've been through a trauma.
Come on, Lynnie, let's go to bed. Good night, ALF.
[voiceover] Good night, ALF.
[Kate and Lynn leave the kitchen]
ALF
Okay, don't fall asleep. Don't fall asleep. Don't fall asleep. Ignore that. Ignore that. Oh, heck, why must I be so darn curious? [he pulls up the blinds and finds Trevor digging a hole outside in the middle of the night] Alas, poor Mrs. Ochmonek, I knew her well.
ALF
[on the phone] Oh, hello. Is this Mr. Ochmonek I'm speaking to? Oh, jolly good. I'm doing a survey for the BBC and I wonder if you'd like to answer some questions. Super. First off, what would you say is the difference between American and British television? Uh-huh. [Kate goes up to him] Fine. And thank you, Mr. Ochmonek. Question number 2. Did you kill your wife?
ALF
Got to go, the queen just dropped by. [hangs up the phone]
ALF
Just some impressions.
You were harassing Trevor.
ALF
Kate, I saw the man bury his wife in the backyard last night.
Look, don't you remember? You were dreaming.
ALF
No, this WAS REAL. Look, I took these pictures.
ALF
You wanted me to use a flash? The guy's a murderer.
ALF, please, please, just give your imagination a rest.
ALF
Justice never rests.
What if I gave justice a cookie?
ALF
Justice will think about it. [walks off]
Alright, everyone. We just got a few minutes now before the last rehearsal. So Brian, why don't you and I run over the song before Spencer gets here?
I stink. Spencer says so.
What do you care what Spencer says?
Because he laughs at me and makes me forget the words. I don't like him. He's mean.
Brian, that's not really. That's not fair. I'm sure Spencer has some very fine qualities.
ALF
That's not what you said last night.
Well, maybe an unkind word slipped in here or there.
ALF
Willie, you said the kid was fungus.
I did not. And even if I did, that's not the point.
The point is moot. The little fungus is here now.
ALF
Yeah, I know. 86 the alien.
Let's go to my room. [walks away]
ALF
What about the salmon?
ALF
Forgotten. Why would anyone throw away the head?
ALF
We are pals, aren't we?
ALF
So, what's the problem? It's that Spencer guy, isn't it? Well, let me tell you a little story about a guy who had the same problem you did. A guy named Gordon.
ALF
Someone I grew up with on Melmac. Nice kid. Handsome, intelligent, great athlete, wonderful sense of humor.
ALF
How'd you guess? Anyway, I was doing a little dinner-
Your name's really Gordon?
ALF
Yeah, Gordon.
ALF
It's my mother's maiden name, alright?
ALF
Anyway, back on Melmac. I was in a little dinner theater production of Man of La Mancha. I was playing Sancho Panza. It was opening night. There was a full house. I was about to sing my 1st number, when suddenly I froze. I was like this, yeah!
Your name is really Gordon?
ALF
Just go with me on this, okay? I'm up there, I'm frozen, I can't remember my opening number. The audience was getting hostile. They were ready to start throwing bread sticks at me, when the guy who played Don Quixote pulled me aside, and gave me this good luck charm.
ALF
Yeah. His 124 year molar.
Did it bring you good luck?
ALF
You bet. I got through my song, plus The Impossible Dream and every other song in the show. For an encore, I even did a couple of numbers from Gypsy.
Yeah, but will it work on asparagus songs?
ALF
No problem.
Don Quixote says the tooth works on vegetables too.
[the car honks]
ALF
Look, just stick that in your back pocket, and you'll go out there and knock them dead.
Great. I will! Thanks, Gordon.
ALF
Don't worry, kid. You'll be swell. [Brian leaves the house] Oh no! Brian!
Mom, since when do you bet on horses?
That's funny, I can't picture you at a racetrack.
ALF
I can picture her running! [laughs]
I wonder how long it would take to pull all the hair out of your body.
ALF
About 2 hours.
Mom, how come you never took me to a race track?
I never go to a race track. You meet an unsavory element there. I bet with a bookie.
Ah! They're not unsavory.
ALF
Forgive my ignorance, but what's a bookie?
ALF
You mean like oregano?
Nick the Fish is not unsavory.
[comes out from the kitchen] Hi Dorothy.
Willie, did you know my mother bets on horses?
So, how much did you win grandma?
Say, that's even better than last week.
Well, that's fine mom, but I mean what if you had lost?
ALF
But it's all our inheritance.
For your information, I'm planning to leave all my money to the Alien Task Force.
ALF
Sure, punish your grandchildren.
ALF
That's her plan.
Come on, mom, let's take this stuff in the kitchen and tag it.
I'll give you a hand with these old clothes.
Yeah, I've got flyers to make.
Well, I might as well make myself useful.
ALF
Hold on Dorothy! Can you make a lot of money with this horse-racing thing only?
ALF
No problem, put me in for 50 bucks.
Where did you get 50 bucks? Have you been going through my purse again?
ALF
Yes, but that's not where I got the money. By the way you're out of Tic Tacs.
Where did you get the 50 bucks?
ALF
Rebate coupons. Anyway, if you'll just slip 50 to Mr. Fisch.
ALF
No thanks, I just brushed.
His name is Nick Mintz. And I'm not gonna place any bets for you!
ALF
I'm not doing this for me!
No, you're raising money for charity.
ALF
Oh excellent comeback Dorothy. You must know, it's for a balloon payment. Which by the way has nothing to do with a balloon.
Well I don't care what it has to do with. I am still not gonna place any bets for you. And it was a dynamite comeback.
ALF
Once again, left to my own devices.
ALF
Kate, quick question.
ALF
Hypothetical situation. An individual places a bet with a professional bookie for a sizeable amount of money, let's say, uh, $6,000. And he loses and he cannot cover his losses. Hypothetically, what could happen to this individual?
Well, hypothetically he could have his legs broken, why do you ask?
ALF
Just making conversation.
Well, I'm glad we had this talk. [leaves]
ALF
[yells] GET UP!
[Brian comes home from school, angry]
ALF
Hey, B, how was school today?
I failed my science project.
ALF
You should've added Alvin and Dave.
ALF
And you still failed?
That's why I failed. I added them because I believed you, but all my friends laughed at me.
ALF
They did?
My teacher won't let my project be in the science carnival. It's all your fault.
ALF
My fault?
You lied to me. There aren't really 11 planets, are there? [leaves]
ALF
Yes, there are. Brian, you're teacher's the one that needs an education. Now I'm mad. I'm mad, I'm mad. [dials the phone] Hello, information? Get me Brian's teacher. Oh, wait a minute. No, get me the Franklin Elementary School. Yes, I know it's cheaper to use a directory but I don't have any thumbs. Well, you should be sorry.
[Willie is fixing the TV at home]
ALF
Where is everybody?
They've gone to the movies.
ALF
Why didn't you go?
ALF
Now?
Yes. I'm going out a little later, and it's dangerous to leave you alone with nothing to do.
ALF
Are you referring to that chemical spill?
Chemical spill? What chemical spill?
ALF
Nothing. Willie, how about a game of "Trivial Pursuit"? I promise not to pick any science questions.
ALF
I think you should leave this for a qualified repairman.
ALF
It's Mr. Science.
For your information, I've located the problem: there's no power going into the high-voltage transformer.
ALF
Hey, you want power?
ALF
Your call. [he accidentally electrocutes Willie after pressing the button on the TV] Willie, it was an accident.
[angrily after being electrocuted by ALF] AN ACCIDENT? AN ACCIDENT? YOU ALMOST KILLED ME? AND YOU SAY IT WAS AN ACCIDENT?
ALF
Alright, let's call it a mistake! [doorbell rings] You want to get that, that's probably "Consumer Ed."
You called him "Consumer Ed" after I asked you not to?
ALF
You didn't say not too. You need to be more specific.
I hope it is "Consumer Ed", because I'm turning you in to him! Won't that be an interesting story for the 6:00 news!
ALF
Yeah, I think I left the oven on. [leaves to go to the kitchen]
[Willie goes to kitchen to find ALF wearing toy lips to his mouth]
ALF
What do you think?
[takes off ALF's lip toy off his mouth] I'll get right to the point. You told Brian to add those 2 planets to his model, didn't you?
ALF
No, I didn't. He did it on his own.
ALF
Well, I admit I was indirectly involved.
[angrily] It was wrong of you to be involved at all!
ALF
But I took care of it. I called his teacher and set her straight.
So I heard now, that the principal is here and it's all because of your ridiculous stories of yours!
ALF
Ridiculous? You're gonna feel a little silly when I tell you this but I called the Mount Palomar Observatory today and they have no knowledge of the planet, Alvin.
ALF
They do, however, know of Dave, only they call him Chiron.
ALF
Willie? Willie, snap out of it.
No, ALF, ALF. In the late 70s, an object was spotted in space, originally called "Object Kowal." It was later named "Chiron." And astronomers thought that could be a 10th planet just somewhere just beyond Pluto.
ALF
Somewhere? I'll show you exactly where.
What's this? [opens up ALF's map] Rand McNally, Guide to the Stars.
ALF
I keep it in my glove compartment.
This, this is incredible. You have a guide to the galaxy.
ALF
Well, it's 3 years old. A few of the stars have exploded. Now, let's see, Dave. Dave, G6.
Mileage between cities, Melmac, San Francisco.
ALF
Oh, here it is. Dave. Right here.
Dave. And there's Alvin. What's that little one?
ALF
Alvin Heights.
You weren't making this up. I owe you an apology.
ALF
I'm waiting.
So is Mrs. Lyman. [opens the kitchen window] Oh, say, could I get you anything?
LMrs. Lyman
No, I'm fine.
ALF
I have 2 questions for you.
ALF
First, can I have my lips back? Thanks. And second, you gonna tell her the truth about the planets?
ALF
Why not? Show her the map.
Oh, good idea. And when she asks us where we got it, then where will we be?
ALF
Alright, alright, so you can't show her the map. But just because you don't have any proof, that ends it? I mean, what's with this planet? Here's a chance to open people's minds. Where are the freethinkers? The dreamers?
I don't know, but apparently, not in Brian's school. I'm afraid I'm just gonna have to go out there and tell her this has all been a big mistake.
ALF
In other words, you're gonna lie.
[Willie leaves the kitchen]
ALF · 397 quotes
