ALF quotes from ALF

Willie

[answers the phone] Hello?

ALF

[on the phone in the kitchen] Make it a luau.

Willie

ALF? Where are you?

ALF

In the kitchen. Did you know there's a number you can dial that makes your own phone ring? Groovy, huh?

Willie

What do you want?

ALF

Be smart, Willie. Think luau. [hangs up the phone]

Willie

[dries up ALF with a towel after he saw him fall past the window] I can't believe you'd pull a stunt like that. Does it hurt very much?

ALF

Only when I burp. [burps] Ow!

Willie

Why did you ever leave the attic? Because you lied, you, you liar. [burps] Ow! Oh, it hurts so bad.

ALF

I never lied to you.

Willie

Yes, you did.

ALF

You said I could have leftovers. There won't be any. You said I could watch the party. You moved it inside.

Willie

Well, how was I supposed to know it was gonna rain?

ALF

A good host would know.

Willie

Listen, we made a deal. I expect you to live up to it. Now, you stay here right here in the shed and don't move or you get nothing. That's non-negotiable!

ALF

Yes, sir.

Willie

Good. [leaves]

ALF

He never learns. [burps] Ow! Ow! Ow!

ALF

Willie, it's not my fault. It was that devil music, it called to me. Suddenly, I was burning with passion, desperately looking for a carbon maranda hat. The kind of fruit?

Willie

Uh-huh! You can't be trusted pal. This is for your own good.

ALF

Ha! There isn't a garbage shed in the town that could hold me. [after Willie leaves, he hums conga music, and then burps] Ow!

Willie

ALF! It's 1:00 in the morning!

ALF

Not now, not now.

Willie

Are you gonna type all night?

ALF

Look, while you're here, let me run some very hip jokes by you. When I'm done, there won't be a dry seat in the house.

Willie

There's a challenge I never thought I'd face. Okay, let's get this over with.

ALF

Good, you're psyched. Anyone here ever been to a fast-food restaurant? On Melmac, they were the worst. You'd ask for extra crispy. They'd bring you a cat with arthritis! [laughs]

Willie

ALF, take my advice. Don't quit your day job. Which, in your case, is just an expression.

ALF

Yeah. Like he knows anything about comedy. Mr. "Oh, here's a humorous paradox I read about in Scientific American." I'm funny. I am. I could be a comic. I am funny. I really am!

ALF

When will it all stop? I need my rest.

Brian

ALF, do we have to go into the kitchen?

Willie

You know the rules son.

Lynn

It's Mrs. Ochmonek.

ALF

Stay.

Raquel

Where have you been keeping him? [runs up to ALF] There he is! [laughs] I laugh just looking at you.

ALF

Yeah, same back at you.

Raquel

[laughs] Mr. Shumway, would you be willing to come over and meet my bridge club? They all adore you.

ALF

Look, any other time, I would have said "yes." But I have a life now.

Raquel

[laughs] I love this funny man. Well, would you at least autograph a picture for me?

ALF

Brian! I don't do my own autographs. But I will touch the photo. [Brian gives Raquel a photo]

Raquel

Well, I'd better get back. Thank you, Mr. Shumway.

ALF

Yeah. You're welcome. Check her for money and get her out of here.

Raquel

[laughs] He ad-libbed for me! [laughs] Oh, I hope to see you around. Save me a fur ball. [leaves the house]

ALF

Well, I'm off to the track. I thought I'd fritter away some more of my money. [laughs]

Kate

But what about the, lifetime achievement award you're being given tonight? Shouldn't you be working on your acceptance speech?

ALF

I'll wing it. Oh, and sorry I didn't invite you to the ceremony. But you know why that is.

Willie

Because once, we said you weren't funny.

ALF

That's right. Now, you know where you belong.

The attic.

ALF

And don't touch my things!

ALF

[talking from his dream as he wakes up] I was funny, I was funny, I was funny.

Willie

[he and Kate come in the attic] ALF!

ALF

Whoa!

Willie

You're alright?

ALF

Oh, Willie, I had a nightmare. I was a stand up comic and I had to clean up vomit! Listen, I've decided not to be a comedian. I hope you're not too disappointed.

Willie

Oh, we dealt with you giving up Dirty Dancing. I think we can deal with this.

ALF

Thanks. I just realized I'm too pretty to be funny. I envy you Kate.

Kate

Thanks, AL.

ALF

What?

Kate

You heard me. Breakfast will be ready in 15 minutes. [leaves the attic]

Willie

[does do some kung fu moves] Because you must be STARVING, STRAVING! [ALF freaks out] Hurry up because Eric in Charge is on!

ALF

No! [wakes up from his real dream] No, no! Whoa! Whew! Well at least Woody Allen liked me. I'm getting out of comedy. Think I'll be a plate spinner. Yeah.

Lynn

[while practicing for a play] You will all be glad to see me burn, but if I go through the fire, I shall go through it to their hearts, forever and ever. And so, God be with me.

ALF

Not bad. Do it again. And this time, try to show a little leg.

Lynn

ALF, I'm auditioning for Joan of Arc. I don't really think that would be appropriate. Just tell me if I've got the lines right.

ALF

Okay, but I'm telling you, it would be a lot funnier if you were holding a rubber chicken.

Lynn

It's not a comedy.

ALF

Well, not the way you're doing it. Hey, I've got a great idea! When they strike the first torch grab your big toe and hop around yelling, hot foot, hot foot!

Lynn

I'm tied to a stake!

ALF

You're tied to a piece of meat and you don't see the humor in that?

Lynn

No.

ALF

Well, then you might want to consider a couple of well placed tassels.

ALF

[while eating popcorn and watching TV] I'll, do us all a favor. Take 20 bucks out and get your tooth cleaned.[the phone rings and he answers it] Hello. Oh, hi, Neal. What's up, dude?

Neal

Yeah, is Willie there? Anybody? Darn, we're so excited about our news and there's nobody to tell.

ALF

Oh, then let me find someone. Hello? You're the guy with the news, huh?

Neal

Sorry, ALF. Margaret and I are getting married.

ALF

What?!

Neal

Yeah! We're driving to Vegas to tie the knot.

ALF

But, Neal.

[offscreen] Honey?

Neal

Listen, I gotta go. Tell everybody the good news for me, okay? Bye. [hangs up]

ALF

But, Neal, wait! Don't- hang up. This had to happen on my watch. Do I sit by and do nothing or risk all and save the poor schlub? Well, it is Vegas. And there is that sock of quarters Brian's been saving.

ALF

[pops his head up and becomes nosy during Neal's date] You really stepped in it this time, Neal.

Neal

Have you gone crazy? What are you doing here?

ALF

I came to see Rickles. I came to stop you from making the biggest mistake of your life. Again.

Neal

Do Willie and Kate know you're here?

ALF

Yeah, yeah. I had a hall pass. My dog ate it.

Neal

Look, ALF, I appreciate your concern. But this is none of your business.

ALF

I wanna do this. Well, if I were a strict Freudian, I'd say your forays into oncoming traffic belay a deep underlying scarediness.

Neal

You picked up on that, huh?

ALF

What are you thinking about, man?

Neal

Well, we were., in the throes of, well, reuniting, and-

ALF

Whoa! Stop. Stop. Stop, stop.

Neal

Why am I doubting myself?

ALF

Could it be because your blood's on its way back to your brain?

Neal

What am I doing? I'm just gonna go in there and put this happiest day of my life behind me.

ALF

Oh, will you forget Margaret! We're in the most exciting city in Nevada. Donny Osmond's opening for Morey Amsterdam. We could go to the Liberace museum. Or look for a free breakfast. [Neal leaves his car] There's so much to do. And me without clothes.

Lynn

[comes out of the hallway with her painting] Hi.

Kate

Hi, Lynnie. How's the painting coming?

Lynn

Be honest. What do you think?

ALF

Sorry, babe. It doesn't speak to me. Next.

Willie

I, I think it's very nice. It looks good enough to eat.

Lynn

So you didn't get the conflicting disharmony between man and nature?

Willie

I have to be honest, Lynn. Uh, I'm afraid all I see is a very happy pear.

ALF

Lynn, a word to the wise. Forget art! Stick with plan A: Throw yourself at the first rich man to come along.

Lynn

ALF. This class means a lot to me. It's being taught by a very respected artist in residence.

ALF

What, he couldn't afford a place of his own?

Lynn

It means that he's...

ALF

I know what it means. You know, I happen to have a nodding acquaintance with painting myself.

Willie

I've seen you paint yourself many times.

ALF

Go ahead, mock me. But I was quite the artist in my time. I could paint any canvas any color for $29.95. No ups, no extras.

Willie

You know, I just had a thought. Perhaps if you were to rekindle your interest in art it might be a less destructive and costly way for you to spend your idle hours.

Kate

You know, the ones between waking up and falling asleep.

ALF

Oh, [laughs] Courtesy laugh. Willie, I accept your offer. So, Kate, ever done any nude modeling? Talk about a conflicting disharmony between man and nature.

Lynn

[angrily comes home from school and confronts ALF for ruining her project] You are in big trouble, mister! You've got a lot of explaining to do!

ALF

Oh, Willie, Willie. You're a constant disappointment to Kate and me.

Lynn

Do you know what he did? He stuffed his painting in my portfolio thinking somehow Mr. Reuben would critique it before I could find it.

Kate

Oh, that was an awfully stupid plan, ALF.

Lynn

That's what I thought at first.

ALF

It worked. I knew it! I knew watching The Brady Bunch wasn't a waste of time! What did he have to say? Huh, huh, huh?

Lynn

Oh, great. The fun part. Now I get to tell him.

ALF

I knew it. He hated it. Excuse me while I open a vein.

Lynn

Wait, ALF, before you make a mess the truth is he liked it. He said it was brave, raw, and inspired.

ALF

Oh, joy! Oh, rapture! My day and a half of suffering has paid off.

Willie

You mean it's possible that this could truly be a work of art?

ALF

And so the breakdown of human civilization begins.

Lynn

This is horrible. Mr. Reuben thinks I have talent. What am I going to do?

ALF

Oh, how do you get yourself into these things?

Lynn

What you did was thoughtless, selfish, and egotistical! [leaves angrily]

ALF

You spend your life raising them and this is the thanks you get.

Brian

[reading the first question] Question #1. What's the kindest thing that you can do for someone else?

ALF

Burp down wind.

Willie

He's right. It says, "He who burps down wind can party with me anytime."

ALF

[arrives at the kitchen while the family is having breakfast] Oh. Hi, everybody.

Lynn

Morning.

Willie

Morning, ALF. How are you this fine Saturday morning?

ALF

Alright. I'll be better once I have some coffee and we talk about death.

Willie

Death?

ALF

I believe it was Nietzsche who put it best. "Life is short. And when it ends we crumble and stink like an overripe blue cheese."

Brian

What's he talking about?

ALF

I found some pictures of you guys taken before my arrival. Notice anything obvious?

Willie

Besides being incredibly happy?

ALF

Actually, what struck me is how much you've aged. Especially you, Kate. I still have 400 years ahead of me. What am I gonna do when you guys move in with the dirt people?

Kate

Well, we hadn't really thought about it. Uh, I suppose you'll move in with Lynn.

Lynn

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. This is the first I've heard of this.

ALF

B?

Brian

I'm sorry, ALF, but I just can't commit.

ALF

I see. And so it starts.

ALF

[while looking at a picture] I should have crashed on a planet where people live longer. I never plan ahead.

Willie

ALF, you're driving us crazy with this death obsession. You and Woody Allen. At least it's funny when he does it.

ALF

Oh, he's just bitter because he can't sell a sitcom.

Willie

Well, whatever. Come on, everybody. We're not gonna be home too late.

ALF

Wait! Do you have to go? Well, what if something happens to you?

Kate

ALF, for the last time, nothing is going to happen. We're only going to a bar mitzvah.

ALF

Still, I want you to take two cars and drive fast through the bad neighborhoods. Kate, you take the lead car and wear something bright to draw their fire.

Kate

ALF, has anyone ever told you when you dwell on something you become annoyingly obsessed?

ALF

No, but thank you.

Willie

Come on, we're running late, hon. Bye, ALF.

Brian

Bye, ALF.

Lynn

Bye.

ALF

Bye. Hey, whatever you do don't get trapped between fat people and the buffet table! Oh, who am I kidding? I've gotta face facts. One day, Willie and Kate are gonna take that 6-foot dive. And then what? [picks up a picture and stares at it] Oh, Lynn. Sweet, unfocused Lynn. Maybe you're my hope.

ALF, you weren't eating bugs again, were you?

ALF

I can't help it, Lynn. I'm hungry. They were practically daring me.

Oh, but I made us some nice chicken broth.

ALF

Chicken broth? What's the occasion?

Well, Robert's been working so hard lately. He looks so drawn. I thought a nice, hot meal might be just the thing to pick his spirits up.

[arrives home] Honey, I'm home.

Oh, darling. Did you get a good spot on the boardwalk today?

Yep. Right next to the public restrooms.

Well, it's about time. How much did you make?

$17.

Oh, honey!

Oh, I have something for you.

ALF

Nice to see you haven't wasted the last 30 years.

Thank you, ALF. You know I need to hear that from time to time.

ALF

Oy.

Oh, I came up with something new today.

ALF

I hope it's edible.

You know the old man-trapped-in-a-box routine?

It's one of my very favorites.

Well, I found a new twist on it. Something that makes it totally unique. Man trapped in a pyramid!

ALF

It's amazing nobody's beaten you senseless.

You still don't believe in our dream, do you? Robert's going to be recognized as a genius someday. And then we'll have everything we ever wanted.

ALF

Oh, of course. All you have to do is take a drive through Beverly Hills and see the mansions built by famous mimes. Face it. There's no payoff!

Oh, yeah? Well, I have 17 big ones that says you're wrong.

ALF

Oh, wake up and smell the invisible flowers. Get a job.

You two. Hello. Yes. Well, just a moment, please. Honey, it's the circus.

Oh, boy. This is it. Hello. Yes, this is Robert Sherwood. A job? No, I'm not tied to the mime thing. Thank you. You won't be sorry. See you Monday.

What was that all about?

ALF

Oh, for heaven's sake. Somebody shoot me.

[singing] I got a job with the circus!

ALF

Will you be making more than $17 a day?

Well, not at first.

ALF

Good career move.

And the best part is there's a place for both of you in the act!

Ladies and gentlemen! Introducing the amazing Robertino and his incredible target, Bobo the complaining freak of nature.

ALF

Lynn, can't we reconsider this? I mean, shouldn't he have at least rehearsed this thing?

Well, he figured he may only get one chance at it.

ALF

[screams as knifes aim for the wheel] Hey! Hey, watch it. That was too close. Hey! Couldn't I have at least worn a cup? [makes a comment after his dream with Lynn ends] Well, so much for Lynn. I guess I'm gonna have to rely on my worst-case scenario. I'm relatively sure Brian won't marry a mime. He'd only run out of things to say.