[ALF is in Brian, Sr.'s dream]
BSBrian, Sr.
Here you go, ALF. I gave you some extra meat fat.
ALFBrian, is this eating-on-the-floor thing gonna be permanent?
BSBrian, Sr.
I'm sorry. Roxanne doesn't want anything with fur at the table unless she's wearing it.
ALF
The cat gets to eat at the table.
BSBrian, Sr.
I know it seems inconsistent, but she says it's not. And I believe her.
ALF
Your wife hates me.
BSBrian, Sr.
There you go again. You've got a persecution complex a mile long. Brakes fail. Elevator cables snap. Beds go aflame.
ALF
All before lunch? Come on, B, what do you say we grab a few pillow cases of this cash get some plastic surgery and start over?
BSBrian, Sr.
ALF, Roxanne is my wife, and I love her. Besides, her family's olive-oil business has been very good for all of us.
ALF
Oh, Brian, Brian. Stupid Brian. Have you seen one olive in the last 20 years? Your wife runs the most powerful mob family in North Hollywood.
BSBrian, Sr.
That's not true. You take that back!
ALF
Oh, come on. Why is there always so much cash around here?
BSBrian, Sr.
Okay. Alright. I asked her about that. She said a lot of their olive oil is sold on freeway off-ramps. It's a cash business. [the musicians come to visit Brian, Sr.'s house] Hello, sweetheart. [he and his wife kiss]
RRoxanne
I've missed you.
BSBrian, Sr.
Hey, Vinnie. Hey, Buck.
RRoxanne
Boys, why don't you wait outside until the big concert tonight?
BSBrian, Sr.
I think it is so nice that you give them time off to pursue their musical career. God.
RRoxanne
ALF, I brought you something. [ALF gasps] Do you know what that means?
ALF
Didn't Uncle Louie get one of these just before that freak welding accident?
ALF
Brian, Jr. My favorite, favorite child.
AAngel
[annoyed] It's bothering me again.
RRoxanne
Oh, don't worry, Brian. I gave it a black rose.
BSBrian, Sr.
Honey, I'm gonna go into town. I'm gonna get a manicure and a facial.
ALF
Good idea. I'll go with you. I could use a mudpack.
RRoxanne
I don't want you leaving the compound right now. I know, why don't you go upstairs and try on that nice, little present I got you when I was in Washington at those pesky committee hearings?
BSBrian, Sr.
Cool! A guy could get used to this.
AAngel
Mom, yesterday I saw ALF on the couch. And this time, I've got a fur ball to prove it.
ALF
Oh, what a nice boy you are. But might I suggest that perhaps the fur ball belongs to the cat?
RRoxanne
You have never liked Fifi, have you? Hmm?
ALF
Me? I love that cat. What you may not know is we share the same rare blood type. Which could come in handy if Fifi were ever caught in, oh, say, musical crossfire.
[the musicians come home]
RRoxanne
Boys, take Mr. Shumway to the amphitheater and play for him.
ALF
The amphitheater? It's not even finished yet. They're just now pouring the ceme... [whines as his dream with Brian ends] Brian! Wow. Imagine Brian being a kept man. Well, at least he found something he's good at. Life stinks, and then 400 years later, you die. Kind of a bummer, isn't it?
ALF
Looks like I'm down to my last Tanner. Little Eric. An amorphous pink blob. What can he do? He drools, he laughs at stupid things he whines and cries to get attention. Well, at least we have those things in common.
[ALF is in adult Eric Sr.'s dream where he is in "The Eric & Sparky Show"]
ESEric Sr.
Shall we play another one, Sparky?
ALF
You go ahead. I'll be by the water cooler.
ESEric Sr.
Oh, you're such a poop! [hits ALF]
ALF
Ow, ow! Not so hard, Eric!
ESEric Sr.
You know what time it is now, Sparky?
ALF
Uh-oh.
ESEric Sr.
Yes! It's Mr. Mailbag time. Let's see. Here's a letter from Billy Redseed of Portland, Oregon. And it seems Billy has a fascination with FIRE!
ALF
You know, these letters should really be screened first.
ESEric Sr.
Billy would like to see Sparky jump through hoops of flames! Fire, Sparky!
ALF
I don't like where television's going.
ALF
You've gotta be kidding. I'll never get through those.
ESEric Sr.
Well, anybody can get through the big ones. Now stop being Mr. Negative and show the boys and girls at home that the body can achieve what the mind can conceive.
BHMr. Big Hand
Oh, Mr. Eric, Mr. Sparky. Mr. Big Hand's on the 12.
ALF
Oh, thank you, Mr. Big Hand. I'll take you out for a Mr. Cocktail later.
ESEric Sr.
Well, that's all the time we have for today, kids. But be sure to tune in next week for everybody's favorite "Fun With Sharp Objects." Ow! See you next week. Right, Sparky?
ALF
God willing.
TPTV Producer
And we're out.
ALF
Eric, are you crazy? I'm not jumping through hoops of fire!
ESEric Sr.
First, you won't swim through mud. Then you have a hissy fit about being thrown through a window. And now you get upset over a little fire. Where is it going to end?
ALF
I don't need this, Eric.
ESEric Sr.
You're right. You don't need this. I'm gonna do something I should have done a long time ago.
ALF
Clean my box?
ESEric Sr.
I want you to meet someone. [whistles] Sparky, this is Bootsy. Bootsy, this is Sparky.
ALF
Always a pleasure to meet one of your dates.
ESEric Sr.
I have some bad news, Sparky. I don't want you to take this personally but you're out of the act.
ALF
What? How could you do this to me after 30 years? I practically raised you. If it's the fire thing, I'll do it. I'll jump through the stinking hoops and land on sharp objects. Let's see Bootsy do that!
ESEric Sr.
ALF, don't humiliate yourself. Goodbye.
ALF
Hey, wait! [the guys close the jack-in-the-box on him]
ESEric Sr.
Aw, Bootsy's giving you a big Bootsy bye-bye!
ALF
[inside the jack-in-the-box] Yeah, well, I'm giving Bootsy a gesture of my own. Gee, it's dirty in here. [comments on a photo as his dream with Eric ends] Well, the kids are a wash. I guess I'm gonna have to take my chances with Willie and Kate. But Willie's my goombah. He'll hang on. And Kate? I'll just have to keep Willie functional as long as possible.
[ALF is in Willie and Kate's dream where Willie and Kate are senior citizens]
Beautiful day. Another beautiful, boring, lonely, horrible day. I should drop dead.
ALF
It could only help.
ALF, go and open the curtain let me watch the sun setting over the ocean.
ALF
The curtains are open.
Well, how come I can't see the ocean?
ALF
There is no ocean out there, Willie. We live in the valley. It's landlocked. Like your mind.
Kate was right. Let's drop him off in the snow, she used to say. Did I listen?
ALF
Oh, keep it down.
Oh, there it is. I see it now. Thank you. [angrily] WAS THAT SO DIFFICULT? [normal] ALF, can you forgive a doddering, senile old man?
ALF
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I've got work to do, huh?
ALF
[dials the phone] Hello, is this the Taylor Ball Bearings Company? Do you have a Xerox copier. Well, you're in luck because our company recently overstocked on some name-brand toner...
[angrily] HE'S LYING! IT'S A SCAM! DON'T FALL FOR IT!
ALF
Did I mention that there's a free gift involved?
No, no, no! Scam! Scam! Scam!
ALF
May I call you back? Yes, thank you. [hangs up] What are you doing?
I'm sorry. Go on, make another phone call. I won't interrupt again. I promise. Really.
[old Kate comes out of the kitchen during the grease fire]
ALF
Now what?
Grease fire. Curtains, whoosh!
ALF
Old, batty, over-medicated.
Look at those seagulls. They carry diseases, you know? I can't prove it, but I know they do.
I hope the kids like these afghans. I'm making them big enough so they can tent their homes in winter.
Better not come in here, the filthy, germ-infested vermin.
Oh, don't worry. I think they're living in Seattle now.
ALF
What did I tell you about using the stove without supervision?
ALF
You know it's off-limits.
No good. No damn good! You were right. We should have dropped him off in the snow.
Why don't you read us that nice letter we just got from Lynnie?
ALF
Because it came 3 years ago. And I've read it to you 500 times. And it was a postcard!
I worked my whole life to support him. And now he won't even read us our mail.
Then at least describe the stamp. Is that too much to ask?
ALF
[on the phone] Hello, Alien Task Force? Yes, I'm an alien and I'd like to turn myself in. I know it involves dissection. That's fine. In fact, I welcome it. [angrily] JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE!
[at the end, the family arrives home]
ALF, I hope you realize we'd never do any of those things. And thanks for having such a high opinion of us.
ALF, I know you're really worried, and you have every right to be, but just tell me one thing. Did I have all my hair?
ALF
Your hair was the least of your problems.
ALF, no matter what happens as long as you have to stay hidden we'll always make provisions for you.
ALF
Prove it. Put the house in my name.
[on the phone] Oh, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. [hangs up the phone] Well, congratulate me, I just managed to finagle reservations for 2 at Emilio's. How does that sound, honey?
ALF
Sounds good to me, sweetie.
That is wonderful, Willie.
ALF
What, is she coming too? I thought this was gonna be our night!
Oh, for heaven's sake, ALF, it's Valentine's Day. Kate and I are looking forward to spending an evening alone together. It's, it's what keeps us from becoming bitter.
ALF
I'll just spend Valentine's Day alone. Without romance, without love, without two bodies beyond rational thought. [sighs] Oh, sorry. I'm back. Anyone call while I was gone?
[the family is looking at some gold mining equipment]
This is all Aunt Pat left you? A box of junk?
This isn't junk. These are things that belonged to your great-great-grandfather.
Looks like a box of old tools.
It's turn-of-the-century mining equipment.
ALF
Just think, Lynn. Someday all this will be yours.
Come on. This is part of our ancestral heritage. You can't put a dollar value on something like that.
ALF
I can. 2 bucks.
My great grandfather, Silas Tanner was a pioneer. He was an adventurer. The last 4 years of his life, he prospected for gold.
ALF
You know, my great uncle Louie Louie was a prospector. He started the Great Foam Rush of aught 8.
ALF
Our whole monetary system was based on the foam standard. Louie Louie became very stupid.
So it runs in the family.
ALF
Oh, ha, ha. For your information, on Melmac, stupid was slang for someone who was rich.
Well, I guess we'll never know how stupid my great grandfather was. He died in 1897, and this is all I have left of his legacy.
Look what I found in the canteen.
What? Look. It's a map. There's an X on it.
ALF
It's a treasure map. Gadzooks! We're going to be stupid!
ALF
[while digging for treasure] Give up. He must be mad. Mad, I tell me, mad! No one's gonna cheat me out of my right to someone else's legacy. [feels something hard with a shovel] Hey, what's this? Wooden planks! Yes! Yes! I found the treasure! I'm, I'm going to be stupid! [laughs and then yells as he falls down to the water]
ALF
[from underground] Down here.
ALF
[from underground] I was looking for gold, but all I found was this ice-cold Jacuzzi instead. I'm drowning. Get me out of here.
I-I'll go tear one of the sleeping bags into a rope. I'll be right back. Don't go away.
ALF
[from underground] I'll try not to wander off. Just my luck I fall down a well there's no townspeople around to fight over the movie rights.
[last scene of the series]
It's a fine night to leave the galaxy.
ALF
Does anyone know what poison oak looks like?
Why is this so heavy? [opens the box] Isn't this our VCR?
ALF
Oh, is it? Ha. You know, I couldn't remember whether I bought that or if you guys, uh. Keep it. I insist.
As I recall, you only had 2 suitcases when you got here. What's in these boxes, anyway?
[as she hears a noise from the sky] ALF, your ride's here.
[Brian hugs ALF, Kate gives ALF a kiss, and Lynn hugs ALF while his ride arrives to pick him up]
ALF
No problem, we'll be going against traffic.
[a light shines on ALF]
ALF! Someone's coming! Get back here!
[a group of vans come]
ALF
What! [whimpers] Uh oh! Wait! Wait! Don't leave me!
[the Alien Task Force agents arrive]
AAgent
Stay right where you are!
ALF
Uh, hey guys. Want to grab a Burski? How about those Lakers, huh? This is my luck, I'm a sports fan among you.
[the final episode ends while the Alien Task Force agents surround ALF]
ALF · 397 quotes
