[checks the window revealing it's Neal] What on earth? [opens the door]
[arrives at the Tanner's house wearing a toga] Hi, Willie. Hi, everyone. Hi, ALF. Happy anniversary.
Hi, Uncle Neal. Why are you dressed like a bed?
ALF said it was a toga party.
ALFShoot! That was the call I was supposed to make.
I'll, uh, I'll get you something to put on.
ALF
Or we could all wear sheets! [chanting] Lynn? To-ga! To-ga! To-ga!
[chanting] Fat chance! Fat chance! Fat chance!
ALF
They're at the airport.
I heard that. He's upset because Kate went to the airport to pick up her mother, and he's afraid that she's gonna spoil his party.
Oh. What brings Dorothy to town?
Oh, she and Whizzer had another fight. She flew out by herself.
Aw, that's a shame. Another marriage flapping in shallow water. That's how I felt when Margaret dumped me.
ALF
Oh great. My party's turning into a suicide watch.
[checks the window revealing it's Whizzer] Well, it's Whizzer! [opens the door] Whizzer!
WWhizzer
[arrives at the Tanner's house house] Hi, Willie. Is Dorothy here?
No, Kate just went to pick her up at the airport.
WWhizzer
I must have just missed them. Hi, Neal. Hi, Lynn.
WWhizzer
I guess you heard.
About your fight with Dorothy?
WWhizzer
The woman is impossible. Nothing I do seems to please her. I'm telling you, this thing has got me so worked up I don't know what to do anymore. I would have called, but, I've been a bundle of raw nerves ever since the argument. It's all I can do, is to keep myself from losing it altogether. I need a beer. [he leaves the living room to go to the kitchen]
[stops Whizzer from going to the kitchen] No!
WWhizzer
Relax! I'll leave a buck on the counter, you cheapskate! Oh, I'm sorry. See what I mean? [he goes to the kitchen]
[Whizzer screams as he sees ALF in the kitchen, much to his horror]
ALF
[pretending that he's a dog] Arf, arf. Would you believe "meow?"
[Willie, Lynn, and Neal go to the kitchen to check on Whizzer after ALF scared him]
[Whizzer is icing his head and still a bit surprised about ALF]
How's your headache, Whizzer?
WWhizzer
It's getting better. You know, I always thought that "hitting the ceiling" was just an expression. Does he, uh, levitate, or cure people by touching them, or anything?
You kidding? Can't even make his own bed.
ALF
I can so! I just don't want to.
WWhizzer
You know, I've played a lot of clubs over the year, but, uh you're the third strangest things I've ever seen.
ALF
Really? Does that include Kate?
[comes out of the kitchen with a cup of water] Here you go, Whizzer. Drink this. Your pupils are dilating nicely.
WWhizzer
Thank you. So, ALF, uh. What have you done since you got here?
ALF
Well, I, uh, uh, w.. I, uh. Uh, Willie?
Oh, well, he, he eats a lot. Have I left anything out, ALF?
WWhizzer
This is incredible. First, my wife leaves me then I meet an alien. How many people can say that?
ALF
Imagine that. We could be neighbors with Spiro Agnew! Think about it. Don't you have a lot of questions?
[angrily] The only thing I have is an overwhelming desire to get the people you invited out of this house!
ALF
Okay, okay. But don't let them leave before you get the prize. I feel it this time. You're gonna win us that Chevy Blazer.
Nobody wins the Chevy Blazer.
ALF
That's what R. L. Smith of South Carolina used to think.
[on the phone] Yes, I'm canceling that appointment. Well, I don't feel that I have any use for a home flotation tank. I suppose I do sound like I could use one. Goodbye. [hangs up the phone]
ALF, are you sure that's all the appointments you set up?
ALF
Yeah, yeah. You know you just blew our shot at winning the round trip on the Fun Bus to Vegas?
If I told you once, I told you a thousand times. You're not to invite salesmen into the house!
ALF
Well, it is funny how that hasn't sunk in yet. Why do you suppose that is?
Because you don't listen.
ALF
No, that's not it.
ALF
Should I assume the position?
Go to the attic until we decide what to do with you.
ALF
No.
No? What do you mean, no?
ALF
I mean I'm not going. What do you think about that?
As long as you're living under this roof, you'll do what we tell you to do!
ALF
Well, in that case, I'm out of here. I'm hitting the bricks. I'm history, I'm vapor.
Yeah, sure. We've heard that before.
ALF
Yeah. Well, not another day under tyranny's heavy thumb. Goodbye, Willie. Goodbye, Kate. Goodbye, children. I think I shall miss you most of all. [leaves]
Yeah. Okay, go. We'll warn you just before the automatic sprinklers go on.
ALF
Don't bother. This time I mean it.
If there's one thing that alien has learned in his time on Earth it's how to make an exit.
ALF
[voiceover from outside, after leaving the Tanners] Oh, Lordie, Lordie. I'm free at last!
[ALF moves to Neal's apartment after he left the Tanners]
And this was my grandmother's snowstorm paperweight. See, when you shake it, it snows.
ALF
Whoa. So she left you the bulk of her estate, huh? [he drops the snowglobe much to Neal's shock] That was an accident. I swear. I was nowhere near it.
Um....that's okay, ALF. I still have the box it came in. These things happen.
ALF
Really? What else you got?
Willie sounded awfully mad on the phone. What did you two fight about?
ALF
What's it always about? I just invited some people over to talk about timeshare living in New Mexico.
Ooh, timeshares. Did they bring pamphlets?
ALF
Yeah. They were like Jehovah's Witnesses, only with prizes.
ALF, I'm awfully glad you're here. I was hoping I'd get a chance to talk to you about your amazing life.
ALF
Well, what do you wanna know?
Well, how far away was Melmac?
ALF
Well, that's a toughie. In feet? Pretty far, I guess.
Well, what solar system is it in?
ALF
I don't know. This may be a good time to tell you I was a P.E. major.
[doorbell rings]
[from outside] 'It's me, Willie.'
ALF
Oh, great. The fun police have arrived.
[doorbells outside of Neal's apartment to pick up ALF] It's me, Willie.
ALF
Oh, great. The fun police have arrived.
[opens the door] Hey, Willie. You didn't have to come rushing over.
I can't believe you'd run off like that. You know how worried we were? Neal, I'm sorry to burden you with our burden.
Well, that's alright. Actually, we were having a good time. He's a pretty fun guy.
ALF
Then you should see me in a dress. In a white wig I look exactly like Estelle Getty. I guess that's pretty obvious, though, huh?
Come on, ALF, let's go. You're still not off the hook.
ALF
Oh, yeah, the beating.
Well, that's ridiculous. I never touched him.
ALF
But you want to, don't you? Huh? Huh? Huh?
You know, Willie, it might not be so bad if you let ALF stay with me for a while. Give us a chance to get to know each other and Lord knows you two can use some time apart.
I guess I could talk Kate into it. But, uh, you're gonna need a reliable fire extinguisher and fresh batteries for your smoke detector. You gotta put 911 on speed dialing. Trust me, you'll need the time. Make out your will and other than that, hey, have fun.
Lordy, lordy, I'm free at last. Don't hate me. [he leaves as ALF gets shocked]
[arrives at his apartment and confronts ALF for all the mess he has done] Hi, ALF.
ALF
Hi.
Oh, ALF. I thought you were gonna clean up.
ALF
I did. Nice of you to notice. That beer-can pyramid? Gone.
Did you call the electrician about Apartment 16?
ALF
You were serious about that? I thought you were kidding.
Why would I be kidding about an electrician?
ALF
I don't know. It didn't seem very funny to me, either. I'll do it tomorrow. Look, ALF, I don't wanna sound insensitive but it has been a week and I thought we agreed that while you were here you'd help out. Well, I'm following the spirit of that agreement. [yawns] Now I need a nap.
[the doorbell rings]
Quick, uh, go to the bathroom.
ALF
Okay. Now what? Oh, chill out. I knew what you meant. [leaves]
[opens the door] Mrs. Watson. How are you today? How's every little thing?
WMrs. Watson
Hello, Mr. Tanner. May I come in?
WMrs. Watson
I guess I could reprimand you in the hall.
WMrs. Watson
Thank you. Look at this place.
I don't have an answer for that. I wish I did.
WMrs. Watson
We've had a lot of complaints about you from the other tenants. You have? I'm afraid so. But I told them, he's new, he's down on his luck his wife threw him out, and he's a little pathetic.
Well, thank you. I appreciate your kind words.
WMrs. Watson
I hired you because I felt sorry for you. But even so, sinks have to flow, toilets have to flush. That's the way the world works.
Well, there's a lovely simple wisdom in that Mrs. Watson. And I promise I'll do better. Please, just remember why you hired me in the 1st place.
WMrs. Watson
Don't test me, Mr. Tanner. Being pathetic will only get you so far in life. [she leaves Neal's apartment]
ALF
Don't worry about her. We're gonna get through this together.
What, do you think you can get to some of those phone calls?
ALF
Don't test me, Mr. Tanner. Oh, lighten up, Neal. [laughs as Neal starts to ignore him]
[late at night, ALF is listening to Little Richard's "Tutti Frutti" very loudly]
ALF
Hey, Neal. Come on, let's party till the cows come home. By the way, when do they come home? I don't mind that they're out late what bothers me is they don't call.
[turns off the music as he hears a knock on the wall] Oh, no! How long have the neighbors been banging on the walls?
ALF
Well, my guess would be all night. And frankly, I find it annoying.
ALF, about this roommate situation, I just don't-
ALF
I know, I know, I'm a little out of control but that's because I'm young and foolhardy. I've always depended on the kindness of strangers. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
I don't hate you! But you do have to learn a little consideration for other people!
[the door knocks]
PPolice Officer
[voiceover] Police officers. Would you open the door please?
ALF
And you have the nerve to lecture me.
[Willie and Neal head to Neal's apartment to pick up ALF who ended up in a food coma]
Oh, good Lord, he's dead.
Nah, he's just full. We've gotta get him on his feet. Hey, ALF, you've gotta get up, ALF.
ALF
[as he wakes up] Yeah.
ALF
Yeah, yeah.
ALF, Neal has something that he wants to say to you.
ALF
Sure.
ALF, it's about our living arrangement, ALF. Ah.
[ALF burps]
You know, he has 8 stomachs. This-this could take some time.
ALF
[wakes up] You were saying?
[sighs] ALF, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, ALF. Now, don't take this as a rejection. I-I just couldn't handle that.
ALF
You're throwing me out? Moi? I'm aghast. [angrily to Willie] You. You're behind all this! You poisoned him against me.
I didn't have to do a thing.
I'm sorry, ALF. It's just not working out.
ALF
Oh. Well, in that case, thanks for my wonderful time.
[sighs] Aw, ALF, you don't have to leave right this second. Why don't you take your time and you can. [he sees the light blubs explode as the lamp falls down thanks to ALF] Get out.
ALF
Okay, okay. Warm up the wagon, Willie. We're heading home.
I think that's the right decision. I'll bring the car around front.
I hope you're not mad at me.
ALF
No. It couldn't have been an easy thing for you to do.
We can still be friends, right?
ALF
Sure. We'll always have Paris.
ALF
Aw, come over here, you lug. Thanks. You moved the bubble. Catch you around town, bro. [laughs and then burps] Oh, yeah, thanks. Wonderful.
[at the end, ALF arrives home while the Tanners are having breakfast]
ALF
Come on, guys, I'm back. Let's party. Hey, you, legs. Get me a brewski.
It's Lynn, ALF, and sorry you're not at Uncle Neal's anymore.
ALF
Oh, yeah. I'm home. Or as I affectionately refer to it, the gulag.
Speaking of which I believe you still have a punishment to work out.
ALF
Oh, you're not still on that.
ALF
But, Willie.
ALF
But I've always depended on the kindness of strangers. Don't hate me because I'm-
ALF
Tough house.
[as the Tanners are satisfied about ALF's punishment, ALF heads to the attic and grounds himself as the episode ends]
[the Tanners quickly head to the kitchen as a storm hit]
Well, do we have everything? Hamburgers, paper plates.
I've got the vegetables and the potato salad.
I've got the buns and the coleslaw.
ALF
That's everything, Kate.
Why do I get the feeling we forgot something?
ALF
Nope. That's everything.
[hears a strange noise from outside] Willie!
ALF
Oh, yeah. He's pinned underneath the grill. I didn't want to embarrass him by drawing undue attention to it.
[as Willie comes inside, wet] Oh, honey! You're drenched!
Really? I hadn't noticed. I was too busy flailing.
Yeah. Yeah, I'll be fine. No thanks to...
ALF
Oh, this is my fault.
Did you or did you not knock the barbecue over on me when you were running into the house?
ALF
Oh, that. That was my fault.
Willie, get out of those clothes right away. Before you catch a cold. You too, kids.
LBLynn and Brian
[as they both leave] Okay.
You don't catch cold from going out in the rain, Kate. That's an old wives' tale.
ALF
Hence Kate's knowledge of it.
There's a reason old wives get to be old wives. They stay warm and dry.
No, I was just reading an article about that in one of my scientific journals. It said that volunteers who were subjected to rapid temperature changes and cold water did not catch cold. [sneezes]
ALF
Gesundheit.
I told you, honey. You're catching a cold.
No! Nonsense, Kate. One sneeze does not a cold make. [sneezes]
ALF
Just out of curiosity how many sneezes does a cold make?
[Willie is in his room sick while Kate gives him soup]
Have some soup. You'll feel better.
Thanks. I really appreciate the way you've been putting up with me.
Oh, you can't help it. You're a man.
I'll just ignore that. But thanks, though. I have enjoyed the peace and quiet.
ALF
Yo! Willie!
I'll get you some more tissues.
ALF
Willie, you're a whiter shade of pale.
As a matter of fact, I'm feeling a lot better.
ALF
Oh, good! You could have taken a turn for the worse. Developed pneumonia, ended up in box city Left us with nothing but Kate's shaky career in real estate.
Does the phrase "thin ice" mean anything to you?
ALF
No.
You know, I think I ought to call the office. Maybe I could squeeze in a half a day.
No. No, you need your rest. You stay right where you are.
ALF
Really? I mean, you get to lie around all day, eat, watch TV. How many people get to do that? [pause] I said "people." [sneezes]
ALF
What was what?
ALF
I did not. [sneezes two times]
[to ALF, after he sneezed] I think you've caught my cold!
ALF
Impossible. I told you before, Melmacians never get sick. Only inferior, backwards species get sick. [pause] No offense.
Just to be on the safe side, you better go upstairs and lie down.
ALF
Okay, but I'll need the microwave, the TV, the VCR, and Police Academies 1, 2, 3, and 6. [pause] 4 and 5 lacked the pathos and emotional underpinnings of the others.
[2 days later, ALF is still sick]
[as she and Willie check on ALF] Here are the books you wanted ALF.
ALF
Like someone stuffed gerbils up my nose!
Nice touch, ALF. Don't encourage him.
ALF
But I really am feeling worse!
My cold ran its course in a week. Isn't it interesting that yours is hanging on so long?
ALF
Look at this nose, Willie. There's enough room in there for the viruses to start their own republic. In fact, I think I hear their vice president speaking. [he blows his nose]
[as she felt ALF's head] Feel his head, Willie.
[as he felt ALF's head] He's not.. Oh, my, my, he, he is. He's burning up.
ALF
Actually, I'm having a cold flash right now.
I'm sorry, ALF. I feel terrible.
ALF
I wish I felt that good.
I'll get you some lunch. [she heads to the kitchen while Willie checks on ALF, Willie quickly follows her]
[at the end, the Tanners host a barbeque]
Alright. You take the coleslaw. I'll take the salad.
Today, we finally get to use our backyard blitzer.
ALF
[from outside as the barbeque is on fire] I got the barbeque lit! Specifically, the wheels!
[Kate and Willie run outside to catch ALF as the episode ends]
ALF · 397 quotes
