Hey, Jake. What's wrong? You look dumpy. How come? I-Is it because of that metal box? [runs to Jake looking out the window] Is something sad inside?
There's lots of boxes that have nothing in them. But also, you can put something in the box. And then it won't be empty! Does that make you feel better? [Jake turns to him]
[chuckles] You're a charmer, Finn Human. No... it's, well... Lady Rainicorn doesn't want to play the game Card Wars with me. [shows box full of cards to Finn] I always beat her. 'Cause she says "No more Card Warring."
It's a fantasy card game that's super-complicated and awesome, but— well... oh, it's kinda stupid. Never mind.
How come you never talked abut it before? It sounds cool!
Really? Well, I thought you'd say it was for nerds who do not know how life is outside the nerd universe.
I-It is, man. But I still totally want to play it. So no more moping, okay?
Okay, now it's the battle phase. I'm attacking your schoolhouse with my Husker Knights. [summons three corn-shaped knights] And, I'm casting Cerebral Bloodstorm! [summons a flying brain which rains down a cornfield] So, what do you use to defend? [his Husker Knights and Cerebral Bloodstorm starts charging into Finn's side]
Uhh... can my Cool Dog and Ancient Scholar defeat your Husker Knights? [Jake laughs out loud]
Hmm... Then, I floop the pig.
Okay, okay. First of all, you don't floop a creature to make it fight. You activate a creature.
Hmm, no — it says I can floop the pig. See? [summons a pig]
[the pig is flooped onto the battlefield. It runs past the Knights and Bloodstorm and begins eating the cornfields; Jake gasps in shock]
No! He's eating all my cornfields! My Husker Knights draw energy from corn! [his Knights drop dead]
And since I'm not actually attacking, your Cerebral Bloodstorm only does damage to your own kingdom's troops. [the Bloodstorm strikes thunder to his Knights; Jake gasps loudly]
You just wiped out my entire attack!
What do you expect if all your power units come from corn? Pigs eat corn, dude. Cornfields stink.
Cornfields are awesome!! What makes you think you know so much about Card Wards?!
You're the cool guy, huh? Well, let me make it a little hot for you, then. (He chuckles sinisterly as he floops a land card) I floop the VOLCANO!
WHA!? That'll destroy your kingdom, too, won't it?!
(Jake's Earlings also perish in the lava as it destroys Jake's domain.)
(chuckles) The pig is dead.
YOU GANKED MY SPIRIT WALKER!!!
(Angered, Jake gets up and has a fit, mumbling frustratedly as he thrashes around.)
Uh...maybe we should take a break?
(Jake turns back around and returns to the table.)
(grows large) YOU PLAY! YOU PLAY!!!
(Finn looks back on BMO's earlier statement, "I do not play such games...with Jake.", and he stands up.)
I gotta use the boy-style room!
(Finn runs upstairs to search for BMO.)
BMO CHOP! If this were a real attack, you'd be dead.
Oh, no! Are you winning the game of Card Wars?
That's terrible! If Jake loses that game, he gets super depressed. When I beat him, he wouldn't talk to me for a month!
Wha? I only played so he wouldn't be bummed.
Finn, you must take a dive.
Yeah, okay. But I'm a Card Wars super-Amadeus.
Magic Man, you caused nothing but turmoil and chaos for us on Mars. We thought banishing you to this world would help you see the light of our utopian supersociety. Now tell us. What have you learned in these past 200 years?
JJake (Magic Man)
...Are you guys talkin' to me?
You know you made life on Mars a nightmare!
[Finn wakes up groaning to see Grob Gob Glob Grod and Jake in Magic Man's body]
Now we must return you to Mars, where vengeance awaits thee.
[Grob Gob Glob Grod blasts off into the sky with Jake. Finn looks at Magic Man in Jake's body]
Magic Man! [pounds him] Get up!
[flips himself back up] Hyup-hoop! They took my friend to Mars! Fly me there and help me save him!
Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't. You see? [wiggles fingers] The transfer drained me. I can probably barely float. So, I just gotta wait till they kill your friend. See ya! [floats away laughing before Finn jumps on his back]
NO!! What do you mean "kill"?!
They're gonna put him on trial for my crimes. Ain't nobody gonna pardon these crimes on my head. Not even the King of Mars! And once he's dead, my magic juice will return to my body. Flowing through me like moonlight through the ghost dance.
[squeezes Magic Man] SQUEEEEZE!!!
I wish I could help. Except I don't!
He is here somewhere, my brothers. Glob, can you see Magic Man on the sensor?
Yes, Gob. Our little brother is very close.
Okay. [flips Grob's head on the front]
GGrob
I'm gonna activate the thingy that drains his magic juice. [activates sensor]
Nahhh! My juice! [wiggles fingers] Not... flowing... right. Dream on, honey! You can't catch this! [he starts running then jumps into the air doing a continuous somersault] Magic away! Pshewww! [disappears momentarily then pops back on the ground] Whap!
GGrod
Yes, I see him as well.
Looks like your date went pretty good, buddy.
Uh... I don't know. Was the hug okay? Give me some tips, mang.
Bro, you gotta let things take their natural path. Look. [forms his arm into a staircase with 15 steps] Look, let me explain some junk about dating. Right now you're at Tier 1, which is hugging. But pretty soon, you'll be at Tier 2, which is smooching. Then down the road you'll make it to Tier 5, where she'll let you discover all fifteen feet of her long, beautiful stomach. And after a while, you'll make it to Tier 8, where you touch her horn for the very first time. Very special.
[sharply] You stay away from that! [beat] Do not do Tier 15!!!
Dude, I got no idea what you're talking about.
Oh, uh— hi, Princess! I'm, uh, writing something for Jake.
Oh, well, speaking of Jake, did he explain everything to you?
[turns away] Yeah, I understand.
Finn, sometimes you want someone and you [puts hand on Finn's left knee] want to kiss them, and be with them. But you can't, because responsibility demands sacrifice.
[incredulous] What are you trying to say?!
I'm trying to say that you're a hero, Finn. You're my hero. So, I'm glad you understand why you can't be with Flame Princess. [Finn stands up, enraged]
Bubblegum, I can't do this anymore!!
Finn, what are you talking about?
What am I talking about?! [grunts] PB, I was... geh...eh... I was in love with you! Okay?! And you didn't love me back! Now I'm ready to move on, and it's like... [grunts] you're gonna build me up all over again! Well, I'm done! I'm done.
Finn? Jake, where's Finn? Is he with Flame Princess?
(Jake slams his pan on the stove)
Back off, Bubblegum! That's his man's biz!
(shows Jake the poem) Is he with her OR NOT?!
You heartless monster! Do you have any idea how much he's CRIED over you?! Finn deserves to be happy, even if his bloopin' FACE gets burned off!! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!!!!
(Jake throws an empty box at Bubblegum)
What?! This isn't about some petty love triangle! Flame Princess is PHYSICALLY UNSTABLE!! Her elemental matrix can't handle extreme romance! Grob, if Finn tries to kiss her, she'll burn so hot, she'll melt RIGHT through the planet's crust, down to the molten core! Then, she'll be thrown back and forth by gravity until she burns out the world from the inside!! Why do you think I had her father keep her locked up!?
(Jake gasps in shock)
Will you take me to them?!?
[corners a rat] Hello, Ronnie. [moves his lips]
RRonnie
[BMO's voice] "What do you want, BMO?" [squeaks]
RRonnie
"I don't know what you're talking about, BMO. I didn't do nothing. Leave me alone!" [grooms his face; zoom on a lipstick smudge on the back of his neck]
[voiceover] I knew that lipstick anywhere. [spoke] How is Lorraine?
RRonnie
"You stay away from her! She is with me now, do you hear?"
Calm down, big guy. Me and Lorraine are... dinosaur bones.
RRonnie
"Good, 'cause I would be so jealous." [BMO shows picture to him]
Just tell me where the sock is, and I will let you go.
RRonnie
"I don't know, man!"
What if I put some knuckle in your eyeballs? Would that help you think?
RRonnie
"Okay, okay! Um... [BMO grabs arm pointing to Finn's sock] It looks like a grape juice stain on his sock. Check the pantry."
[voiceover] Bebe owned Bebe's, a dance club downtown. He yells at ladies.
[BMO walks to the remote on the floor and puts his foot down on Bebe]
BBebe
"BMO? Aah— aah! Arrgh!!"
BBebe
"Uh— [coughing] I don't know nothin' bout socks!"
Don't play dumb, Bebe! [takes some soot out the oven] Don't play dumb with me!
[he smothers the soot on Bebe and starting coughing even worse]
I talked to Lorraine, Bebe. She sold you out, dum-dum!
BBebe
"No! She-she wouldn't do that! It wasn't me, I swear! It was Ronnie!"
BBebe
"I don't know, man! I don't know! [sobbing] Oh, Lorraine!" [Bebe continues sobbing; BMO looks into his dirty sooted hands]
I'm gonna go wash this shmutz off my grabbers. When I get back, you better start talking sense.
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hey, BMO. Wake up, buddy. Are you all right? [BMO gets up]
NEPTR? I feel like l got hit with a Dracula by King Kong.
Whoa, sorry, man. You want some pie or something?
Sorry, I gotta run. The cops are after me. Have you seen any down here?
Nah. No one's been down here all day, except me, you, and Ronnie.
What?! What was Ronnie doing down here?
I don't know. But now my sensors indicate that some treasure is missing. [spins around] About a sock's worth.
[gasps] That's it! That's why Ronnie took the sock—to carry stolen treasure in with! He had to whack Bebe to keep him from squealing, then he pinned the rap on me.
Listen, NEPTR, you better lay low for a while. I'm gonna go find Ronnie. [climbs ladder] I've got a score to settle.
Hey, BMO! We should hang out more. We're both robots.
[beat] No, NEPTR. I am not like you.
Gyaenedeul chaj-ass-eoyo? ("Did you find them?") [PB checks device]
My GPS shows Finn and Jake over there. I think that's where the Ice King has them hostage.
Gyaenedeul anjeonhalkkayo? ("Will they be okay?")
I'm sure the boys are fine. The Ice King isn't usually a serious threat. [digs duffle bag] Besides, this'll be easy with the two of us. [holds up robotic kettle and cup] We've got science on our side.
KKettle
Your tea is ready. [PB pours] Pouring. Pouring.
Jeikeuga siljongdoegi jeon-e naega wolnamgugsu myeon-i jilgidago malhaess-eoyo. A, naega wae geuleon mal-eul haess-eulkka... Museun nappeun il-i saeng-gyeoss-eumyeon eotteoghae?! Gyaega mandeun gugsu mas-eobsdago han ge uliui majimag daehwayeoss-eoyo. ("I told Jake that his Vietnamese noodles were too tough before he went missing. Why did I say such a thing?! What if something bad happens to him?! The last conversation we had was that his noodles were tough...")
It's okay, Lady. Jake knows you love him.
Mianhaeyo. Naega gugsuleul neomu manh-i meog-eossna bwayo. ("Sorry. I guess I've eaten too many noodles.")
Don't worry. Just try to relax. [Lady lowers herself; PB checks watch] I'll work on my holo-entry. [projects holo-entry] It's been three weeks since Finn and Jake disappeared while battling the Ice King. I've activated a secret GPS implanted in Finn's ear. It has lead us to an uncharted black ice cave... but I've spent hours calculating every possible danger and am well-prepared.
Geunom-i kal-eul deulgo deombimyeon eotteoghaeyo?! ("What if he attacks you with a knife?!")
Then I'll pull out my electrode gun.
Geunom-i gongjunim-eul haechilyeogo hamyeon-yo?! ("What if he tries to hurt you?!")
Then I'll use my ball-blam-burgler-ber! Lady, it'll be fine. We've got science!
A... maj-ayo, naega jom geogjeong-i simhan pyeon-ijyo. Jeon ban sal-eun sichedeul-i uli jib-eul gong-gyeoghaneun agmong-e sidallyeoyo. Uli samchon, oesugmo, sachondeul-i da jib-e iss-eoss-eoyo. Agiga wicheung-eseo uneun solikkaji saengsaenghi deullindanikkayo. naega uli gajogdeul-eul jikil suman issdamyeon — geu kkum kkuneun dong-an eolmana seuteuleseu bad-eumyeon ippalkkaji mujihage gal-ayo. ("You're right. I worry too much sometimes. I always get haunted by this nightmare where zombies attack my house! My uncle, aunt-in-law, and cousins are all present in my house. I even hear the baby crying coming from the upstairs. If I could just protect my dear family. [PB becomes shocked] I become too stressful during that dream. I even grind my own teeth!")
[Lady grinds her teeth; PB gasps]
Da-eumnal il-eonamyeon ippaldeul-i geum gaiss-eoyo. Botong jeon geunyang geuleon geos kkum-ilani, naega geogjeong-eul saseo haji hamyeo ij-eobeolilyeogo haeyo. Jega geu ban sal-eun sichedeul-ege jeongmal du beon-ina gong-gyeogdanghaess-eossjanh-ayo. ("When I wake up in the morning, all my teeth are cracked up! I usually try to forget about it, thinking that it's just a dream or I'm being paranoid, but I was actually attacked by zombies before, twice.")
Hmm, I suppose that's true. [pours tea into snow] Let's roll.
