You two now comprise the royal guard of the one true princess of Ooo. [winks] That's me! As such, you may no longer own property or operate children, and must render all treasure and wives under your sworn princess within a hangman's fortnight.
Pfft! Joke's on you, man! We spent all our treasure the other day! Plus, we don't even have any wives.
Wait, what? What about Lady?
Wait, but... [thinks for a beat]
We the inhabitants of Ooo owe you heroes our very lives. As the once powerful and dignified Princess Bubblegum sulked off into exile, it fell upon you two to save us from the impending comet of doom and/or from the hideous Orgalorg, who aimed to eat the powerful comet and grow invincible! And for that, we are eternally grateful.
But now your bravery is essential to a new heroic task. [beat] Can you guess what it is?
Umm... Fight a— fight a dragon?
If the King of Ooo tries to come here again, you have my secret permission to stop him. No holds barred, Moosewood Stadium freestyle. So what're you two up to now?
Ehh, guardin' stuff, I guess.
Um... Hey, Bonnie? You always act like a loner, right? But next year your brother, you're the light of the party. Sorry, the light of the party.
I mean, yeah! One of the first things I did after making sure Neddy was safe was to start making the Candy People. I was formed in the mother-gum. My mind and my gum were in touch with dozens of others, like a crowded womb. I guess I missed that.
But Neddy's from the same place you're from, and he's a wet hotdog around everyone!
People get built different. We don't need to figure it out, we just need to respect it. Maybe he likes his company more than I like mine.
Well... do you miss the Candy People?
Knock knock. Yo, Peebs. You wanna make a midnight Squeez-E-Mart run? I'm gonna drink the red from out the customer's bloodshot eyes. [laughs] Psyche, I'll probably just get a Slushie. Bubblegum? [floats closely to the bed and touches her hair] Bonnibel?
Ugh! What are you doing here?!
Be not afraid, my child, it is I, the one true princess of Ooo.
Wh-where's Bubblegum?! [King of Ooo jumps high as she slashes his pillow]
Ah-whoa, relax! Bubblegum is fine, just fine. [starts bouncing up and down] And deposed and powerless—so crushed by defeat was she, that the tyrant exiled herself to a sad cabin on the shores of Lake Butterscotch—technically still Candy Kingdom territory. But in my mercy, I've allowed her to remain.
You're the princess?! Since when?!
Well, by the reckoning of my new tyrantian calendar, Ooo's official calendar... uhh, two glorious months.
Two months? But... but then why didn't she te— Dugh! Bubblegum... [flies out of the opening further away]
Tell Bubblegum I wear her nightgown! Tell e-e-e-everyone!
Maybe we can find something useful around—ohh!! [sees writing on the wall reading "Marceline made me write this – Bonnibel Bubblegum"]
Your tag! We actually found it. Man, your handwriting hasn't changed at all. [laughs] Still as prissy and prim [turns back] as— wha..?
[Bubblegum starts breaking down in her tears]
Hey, h-hey, whoa, wait! I didn't mean... I like your handwriting, I think it's really pretty...
It's-it's not that... I lost my hat...
W...we can get you another hat.
I lost my hat, lost my home, lost my people... I can't even keep darn varmints out of my pumpkin patch.
I tried. I really, really tried. I just— I thought that if I shut everything out and just focused on work, it will all be okay. [debris starts crumbling down] And look what that landed me. All I managed to do was to push everyone away. I pushed you away. I'm sorry, Marceline. I've been a real dinger to you.
C'mon. Why are you even apologising for?
SStarchy
It's okay, baby. Starchy's here.
CCCherry Cream Soda
Oh, thank heavens. It was just another hallucination... [sees a soil-composed Root Beer Guy]
Honey, I'm barely upset that you're remarried.
CCCherry Cream Soda
But... how is this possible? You were zapped by Darren the Ancient Sleeper, your dome was cracked, your root beer soaked into the ground! I buried your remains in a mason jar which is now your head, and... an-and now I'm-I'm with Starchy. I'm mean, we're-we're legally married. You're legally dead. Not that I want to sound obsessed with legalities, but I am a lawyer.
Hey... where's that little statue I got you? It said "I wuv you" on the base of it? It was a little bear with his arms out like this? [sways a drawer across the room into a wall] He was all, "I wuv you, I wuv you, I wuv you." [topples and crashes couch over into the wall; its cracks seep up the roof and a light drops on Starchy]
SStarchy
No sudden moves, baby. He's got freaky-zombie strength.
[looks up] Maybe it's up here. Hup!
[he brings the entire fireplace down, along with its remaining bricks]
Did you hire a maid service or something while I was gone? I sure hope they didn't throw out the "I wuv you" bear.
SStarchy
Enough!! I should have put you in the ground a long time ago!
Hey. I came back for her. [stomps his foot, a series of typha seedpods pop out of the crack]
CCCherry Cream Soda
Root Beer Guy, if that is you in there, I'm so proud of you. But this isn't fair. You ended our life together when you pulled that lever. You made the choice, and you saved the Kingdom. But you lost me. [leaves him]
Cherry Cream Soda, I still wuv you—whoa! [trips over ottoman, crashes into wall; more seedpods pop out the crack. He turns back] You always wanted this wall knocked down anyways, right? [chuckles] Ooh...
CCCherry Cream Soda
Arrhh! Wahh!! You come back with no explanation, rack up the place and you expect to just pick up where we left off! Get out of my house!! [RBG crawls out of the wall and walks away]
[RBG leaves the house as Starchy watches him at the front door]
FFootball (BMO)
Hello. My name is Football.
Very nice to meet you, Football.
How'd you get the name Football, Football?
FFootball
BMO gave it to me.
Is Beemo your little your little papa?
[Football starts laughing and hops her right leg to the side. Finn scratches his head]
Uhh... so... where do you live, Football?
Oh, yeah? What's it like there?
FFootball
Cold. Empty. It's... lonely.
You really like chopping wood, huh?
I'm not chopping wood. I made a toothpick from the ancient elm! See?
Oh-hoh! He-heh— [the tree crashes through the window] Whoa!! [a scathed Marceline peeks out the tree]
What the dip, Marceline?!
Sorry, it was supposed to be a joke. Actually... I have something really serious to ask. I want you to do the procedure. The one we talked about?
I'm sorry, but I don't think you'd make a good blonde.
No, not that. I don't wanna be a vampire anymore.
You said you were working on a cure, right?
[sighs] Well, the machine is built and the serums are ready, but... are you sure you wanna do this?
I'm sure. Some bad things happened to me when I was little. When I became a vampire, I was just a messed-up kid. Now it's a thousand years later and I'm still messed up! [Peppermint Butler nods] I don't want to spend eternity like this... with this emptiness. I want to grow up.
You done it this time, Marceline! You sucked the life out of defenseless animals!
You think I'm buyin' that, Boom Boom Mountain?!
You want proof? Look! [punches the ceiling, debris falls on his head] Ouch! Proof how often I'm gonna go if you don't confess!
[scales down] I'm wailing out!! [Finn sits on Jake]
Listen, Marcy, I can barely control this guy. And the villagers are getting crazy! They want to run you over with a wagon, and I'm offering you a way out. [Peppermint Butler walks in]
Hey, dalewaids, I just swept the place.
Finn, be real for a second.
Look into my eyes, man! I didn't do it!
[Finn stares in her deep solemn eyes. He grows suspicious as she starts twitching]
To be honest, it looks like you're not sure if you did it.
Okay, I'm not sure! Something... weird happened last night. I had a weird dream about stuff.
Dream stuff always means somethin'!
We'll figure this out, Marcy, together. We promise.
That's cool, you guys, but clean this mess also, you bums.
Hello, Marcy. I don't know if you'll ever hear this message. I fear my thoughts are no longer my own. Just... watch over me until I can find my way out of this labyrinth in my brain and regain my sanity! And then maybe Betty, my princess... maybe you will love me again. [gasps] Please love me again, Betty!! [crying hysterically] Okay, bye. [takes VHS tape out, topples camera] Hahh...
MMarcy
Hey, Simon. I, uh... finished packing your gear. So, can I have my tape now?
What?! No! This is private, silly. [puts tape in sled] There you go, snug as a bug.
MMarcy
Seriously, Simon, please don't go.
I... I have to protect you.
MMarcy
How can you protect me if you're not even here?!
I'll arrange for someone to come take care of you. I'll make sure he doesn't leave.
MMarcy
Please, Simon, I can help you with this!
Yeah. Maybe one day you will. But until then, you have to stay brave, my fearless Marceline.
[Simon tends to Marcy, as her left teardrop instantly freezes on his thumb and scratches under her eye]
You see? I have to go now. Goodbye, Marcy. [runs with the sled dogs]
MMarcy
But— No! Wait!! [traps her foot in the snow] Simon! Simon!!
EEmpress
Where are we? It's like we fell asleep on a raft and woke up in strange seas.
Humph! Fell asleep? We died. The demon Marceline staked us all. Why are we back? How did it happen? Listen. I don't know and I don't care. We're alive, and I'm going to get eating!
FFool
[tries reattaching his loose fang] Ahhh... Hey, does anyone have any milk for this? Do you, like, carry milk?
CCow
Mooooo. [Vampire King's hand holds him] Moo?
EEmpress
This is well and good for you, Hierophant. All you ever needed was a forest and something hot to chew on. [Hierophant gnaws his instrument] Where are the comforts of the old hive? The minions, the blood... The good blood with the gold leaf flaked into it!
VKVampire King
The gold leaf was stupid. It didn't taste like anything.
EEmpress
We had standards! It doesn't matter when we are or where we are because we are. [VK licks his tongue, smudges saliva on cow's eye like eyeliner] We must start rebuilding our realm. There's life here and I bet it's pathetic. [VK starts dancing with the cow] We march in, we take control, and we rebuild the hive! My King, are you listening?
FFool
I dunno. Like... [yawns] What if we just got a loft downtown?
[a fused Empress warbles a beam at the entranced Fool]
FFool
Whoops, I'm hypnotised. [slaps himself down] Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh! [crack!]
[Fool lodges himself onto Sister Moon's brains and she sways him away. Moon's head soon regenerates back]
FFool
[laughing] Good ol' backwards egg!
Bonnie, I don't get it. Jake's talking about vamps at the same time you fixed me, and there can't be any still around!
Well, clearly something's creeping around.
Okay, what about the paste you took out of me? That should be all that's left that's vampiric in the modern world.
It's all over there, safely in the safety bucket. [all gone] What?! Pep But, what'd you do with the gunk?!
Okay, there was one that looked like if a baby snake was a baby-baby.
[Pep But scribbles in his sketchbook and shows an illustration of a larva-like thing with its tongue out on top]
Nah, that's not right. There was another one that looked like if an ant hill were a girl.
[Pep But scribbles another, shows illustration of ant hill with eyelashes and lips]
Nah, that's not right. There's one of them that looked like a wet uncle.
[Pep But scribbles another, shows illustration of a face with a tie, messy hair and moustache with teardrops]
Nah, that's not right. There was a lady who looked like black drapes on a cake pop.
[Pep But scribbles another, shows illustration of a cake pop and drapes]
Nah, that's not right. There was also one that looked like an angry stop sign coming out of a loaf of bread.
[Pep But scribbles another, shows illustration of what looks like a epicanthic folded face between two sides]
Nah, that's not—oh, actually, that one's pretty close.
You did a tremendous job guarding the cabin, Jake. But it looks like you need to be relieved.
Yeah, I need relief. PB still working on new vampire-busting gear?
Yeah, but she's almost done. No sign of Marceline, though. I think she ditched us to fight the vampires by herself—solo-style. We'll go look for her after PB's device is up and running. So, how did you pass the time?
Patted my laps and made some rhymes. Stoop, stoop, sittin' on the stoop. Stoop, stoop, sittin' on the stoop... [walks into cabin, Finn sees something]
Is that PB's outside clock? [sees grandfather clock punctured with holes] Looks like it's been staked. What did you do?
[turns around, groans] I heard a loud snap, and my vampire-hunting reflexes kicked in!
Dude, that was her Uncle Gumbald's outside clock.
[squeaks] She doesn't have to know I broke the clock. Let's blame it on the vampires! [stretches his arms] Or we can hide it! Whoop! [pushes clock into the forest] Problem solved?! Yeah?! [Finn hi-fives] Whoop! [runs into cabin; Finn pauses for a beat]
Aahh!! What was that?! Vampiyah!! [continues throwing his stakes screaming. Pan up to see Ice King sitting on a high branch]
Snap, snap, snapping branches for fun.
