Silas Botwin quotes from Weeds

Silas Botwin

What? Who told you that? She's totally deaf. And Dennis Kling says there's nothing wrong with her tongue.

Silas

(Spray painted on the wall) I'm sorry. P.S. My maid thinks I fucked a smurf.

Silas

I need to talk to you, you fucking perv.

Shane

I am so dead, I am so dead. Is he coming?

Silas

There's no one chasing you, Shane. Oh man, are you wearing lipstick?

It's not lipstick. It's fruit punch.

Shane

I threw a can of soda at Devon Rensler.

Silas

Well that was stupid.

Shane

He called me "Orphan boy."

Silas

He's a fuckwad.

Did you hit him?

Shane

No, just grazed him.

Silas

Oh, that's bad. You can't miss the bear.

What bear?

Shane

I missed the bear... The shot was no where near his optimum kill zone.

What are you talking about?

Silas

Don't you watch bear hunt? On the wilderness channel.

Somehow I've missed it.

Shane

It's only the best show in the history of television!

Silas

Every week these guys with gun racks and their big old monster trucks go out and they kill a bear.

That's horrible

Shane

No, it's so awesome!

Silas

Right, right, right

Shane

You've gotta bring enough gun to get the job done. Oh! And tell her about CGS!

Silas

Whoa, Shane, you're gonna wet yourself.

Shane

Shut up, you're just as into it.

Silas

Carter Grizzly Sike. He's the host. At the end of the show –

Shane

He's got the head of the bear that they shot that week.

Silas

Right, right, and he leaves you with, like, these wise parting words like (in a red neck accent), "You can't miss the bear or he's gonna turn around and rip you open like a present from your mama on Christmas morning."

Okay, we are breaking up.

Silas

Come on, think of the time this'll save us on foreplay. You just whisper, "Shoot me in the optimum kill zone," and I'll be good to go.

: I could whisper "Linoleum" and you'd be good to go.

Silas

Tell me where she is!

Celia

Why? So you can fly down to mexico and spring her from Casa Reforma?

Silas

I love her.

Celia

You stuck your penis in her. That's not love, believe me.

Silas

I am her family.

Celia

Ugh, God, poor thing. Do you really think that my daughter had deep romantic feelings for you? Is that what you think? Now I'm sure that you were a fun and sweaty diversion for her, but the truth is Quinn had a day and a half to get all of her ducks in a row before going to Mexico and she didn't call you. She didn't write or IM or e-mail you either, did she? But I'll tell you what she did do, she downloaded 2,000 songs into her ipod and dyed her hair pink with black on the tips. Because all that Quinn cares about is Quinn. She takes after her father that way.... Poor schmuck.

Lupita

I call 911. (Into phone) Hello? Hello?

Silas

Fucking perfect the phone's still dead.

Lupita

(Smacks Silas) You don't say fucking to your mother.

Silas Botwin

Mrs. Gruber?

Silas!

Did you know that if you drink and take Ambien, you can randomly blackout and run your car onto a boulder?

[points to a fellow community service worker] Who's that cute Latino guy?

[when Silas ignores her] It's so hot! Why don't you take your shirt off?

Silas Botwin

I'm fine.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, you're...you're young and lean like ostrich meat.

Silas Botwin

Have you been drinking, Mrs. Gruber?

Don't tell! Anyway, it isn't illegal unless you're behind the wheel of a car, is it?

Silas Botwin

I guess not!

[suddenly leans up to Silas and whispers in his ear] I'm wet!

Silas Botwin

This is a non starter.

Nancy Botwin

I will never let you deal.

Silas Botwin

You don't have the choice. I know you don't.

Nancy Botwin

It's too dangerous. I don't want this for you. Come back here.

Nancy Botwin

We'll discuss this later.

Shane

Do you really think evolution is a lie?

Well, I believe that I'm descended from Adam and Eve, and not a monkey.

Shane

So, natural selection, Darwinism, empirical data, none of that factors in for you?

Evolution is just a theory. I mean that's why they call it the Theory of Evolution and not the Fact of Evolution.

Shane

Oh, what about-

Silas

Hey, you asked your question. Now, shut the fuck up.

Nancy

Silas, don't swear at your brother. Shane, don't antagonize Tara. Tara, keep saving it for the Lord! Where the fuck's Andy?

Apparently, a religious group chanting "Jesus will protect us" forced their way into the burning house in an attempt to rescue the Majestic cross. Now those members are being treated at a nearby hospital for minor burns and smoke inhalation. [turns to face a gurney bound Tara] Can you tell us why you ran into a burning house?

The Lord told us to go.

Silas Botwin

[watching the news] Okay, I'm over her.

Nancy

[looking at Bubbie sleeping] Jesus, time is cruel. We should start taking fish oil.

Andy

And green tea.

Shane

Yeah, 'cause that'll totally reverse the effects of 90-plus years of life. Get real. It's all downhill from 30 on.

Andy

Shut up!

Nancy

Be quiet. [Silas walks in] What did they say?

Silas

That the nurse was fired a month ago. Said a family member called and said he was taking over her care.

Andy

Oh, shit, family member? No, no, no. Forget this. I'm leaving.

Nancy

Oh, no, wait. We don't know for sure. Don't you have cousins? Isn't he on a riverboat somewhere?

Andy

He probably sunk it. It's him. I know it's him. Look. Look around. Paintings missing from the wall. All right, here we go. Tchotchkes missing. Bubbie's watching the World Poker Tour? [looks in the fridge] Ah! Look. [holds up boxed wine] He's here.

Lenny

Excuse me. who the hell are you, bursting in here like this and telling me how to take care of Grandma? With Not-Francie, no less.

Shane

Who?

Lenny

It's your mother. Never mind.

Shane

Her name is Nancy.

Andy

He knows that. He just won't say it.

Silas

Who's Francie?

Lenny

That's the woman your father should've married.

Silas Botwin

Yeah, sure, death is no big deal and life is just blah blah blah.

Andy Botwin

Look Silas, life is just blah blah blah. You hope for blah, and sometimes you find it; but mostly it's blah, and waiting for blah, and hoping you were right about the blahs you made. And then, just when you think you have the whole blah damn thing figured out and you're surrounded by the ones you blah, death shows up. And blah, blah, blah...

Silas

Weren't Lawn Darts banned?

When you boys are finished crying it's your turn.

Silas

(To Shane) He's taunting us.

Shane

He's trying to act like a father. (Silas starts picking up the Darts) Father's taunt...when we went jogging Dad told me I was so slow Stephen Hawking could beat me in a foot-race. Then he collapsed, puked twice and died. (Shane laughs and looks up) Who's the better jogger now? (Silas gives him a concerned look)