Shane Botwin quotes from Weeds

Shane

I think pink's really your color, you fuckwad!

Shane

Here, kitty, kitty.

Shane

Can you convince Mom that I'm better off sitting home all summer than stuck in a classroom full of religious zealots proselytizing a form of fundamentalism that's two clicks away from jihad?

Shane

A croquet mallet; I couldn't find a golf club.

Shane Botwin

Can we go home now, please?

Nancy

It's not even half-time.

Shane

I don't feel well. I think I have rickets.

Shane

Actually, you should alternate cold and hot every 20 minutes.

Don't even talk to me weirdo.

Shane

I am so dead, I am so dead. Is he coming?

Silas

There's no one chasing you, Shane. Oh man, are you wearing lipstick?

It's not lipstick. It's fruit punch.

Shane

I threw a can of soda at Devon Rensler.

Silas

Well that was stupid.

Shane

He called me "Orphan boy."

Silas

He's a fuckwad.

Did you hit him?

Shane

No, just grazed him.

Silas

Oh, that's bad. You can't miss the bear.

What bear?

Shane

I missed the bear... The shot was no where near his optimum kill zone.

What are you talking about?

Silas

Don't you watch bear hunt? On the wilderness channel.

Somehow I've missed it.

Shane

It's only the best show in the history of television!

Silas

Every week these guys with gun racks and their big old monster trucks go out and they kill a bear.

That's horrible

Shane

No, it's so awesome!

Silas

Right, right, right

Shane

You've gotta bring enough gun to get the job done. Oh! And tell her about CGS!

Silas

Whoa, Shane, you're gonna wet yourself.

Shane

Shut up, you're just as into it.

Silas

Carter Grizzly Sike. He's the host. At the end of the show –

Shane

He's got the head of the bear that they shot that week.

Silas

Right, right, and he leaves you with, like, these wise parting words like (in a red neck accent), "You can't miss the bear or he's gonna turn around and rip you open like a present from your mama on Christmas morning."

Okay, we are breaking up.

Silas

Come on, think of the time this'll save us on foreplay. You just whisper, "Shoot me in the optimum kill zone," and I'll be good to go.

: I could whisper "Linoleum" and you'd be good to go.

Shane

Do you think I'm weird?

Totally weird, but you're awesome. Αnd I wouldn't trade you in for any other almost-ten-year-old on earth.

Shane

What if there's life on other planets and there's an unbelieveable, amazing ten year old out there?

Why would I trade down? To me, you're the best dude, you are the amazing unbelievable Shane Botwin.

(In a parallel line, leans toward Nancy accusingly) I know what you did. I know you stole that goat. Goat thief!

Mr. Norman, step back into your line.

(towards Nancy) It's the economy stupid. But that goat didn't belong to you, it was a free goat.

Shane

(from other side) Mom, it really hurts. It's throbbing.

(Whiny) ‘It's throbbing, Mom.'

Nancy

Back off, nutty!

(Turns away, turns back, leans down towards Shane, whining and mocking) Ah, cry baby, wha, wha.

Nancy

I'm gonna take your free goat and shove it straight up your ass.

(Straightening up) What goat?

Nancy

Shane, did you shoot the Elderman's cat?

Shane

What! No! I shot the mountain lion. Right in the eye.

Nancy

Why?

Shane

Because that's what Dad would've done.

Shane

This sucks.

Nancy

Yeah, but imagine how the mountain lion feels.

(Reading Shane's poetry/rap) My name is Shane/I bring the pain/ Up from the streets of Agrestic/Bitch, you don't wanna sweat this/I cap any motherfucker/You don't wanna test this/Be-

Shane

"Be-otch." I got rage in me. This is my way of venting.

Well, you made a lot of people around this school very nervous.

Shane

Yeah? That's because they're a bunch of bitch ass white boys.

I hate to break this to you, but you're also a bitch ass white boy.

Shane

Whatever, I don't care.

I think you do care. A great deal.

Shane

Yeah, about what?

You want approval from your peer group and when you don't get it, when they call you weirdo or Strange Botwin, then you wanna lash out. In this case, through your rap.

Shane

Yeah, that's it. I just wanna fit in. Can I go now?

Shane you're here, because there's some concern that you might act on these emotions.

Shane

I'm not gonna cap any motherfuckers.

How do I know that?

Shane

‘Cause my therapist says I'm just acting out because my dad's dead.

You may go.

Shane

I got sent to the school shrink. They'll probably be calling you.

Nancy

Oh, not again, why this time.

Shane

I wrote a gangster rap about killing Devon Rensler, with my Gat.

Celia

Is your mom home?

Shane

Not yet, she went to bail uncle Andy out of jail.

Celia

Well, tell her I stopped by.

Shane

Okay... I like your jacket.

Celia

Well, thank you, Shane. Everyone thinks I've lost my mind.

Shane

Everyone thinks I'm weird.

Celia

Well, I can see how you might give that impression.

Shane

I really don't care what they think.

Celia

Good for you. Let your freak flag fly.

Shane

Really?

Celia

Really. I've recently stopped giving a shit what anyone thinks and I've gotta tell ya, I feel great.

Shane

But you have cancer.

Celia

And you have a dead father. Both of us make people really uncomfortable. There's no way around it. So we can feel all self-conscious and pretend everything's normal, or we can just be our strange selves.

Shane

Thanks, Mrs. Hodes.

Celia

For what?

Shane

For telling me the truth.

Celia

You're welcome. It's a bitch though, ain't it?

Andy Botwin

What are they teaching you at school?

Shane Botwin

[Sarcastically] Like how to pass the standardised tests to give the school more funding!