Nancy Botwin quotes from Weeds

Nancy

Not to mention the amount of shit I'm going to get from those Hypochristian bitch moms I'm going to get tomorrow.

Nancy

[looks around the table at everyone, who are all injured in some way] So... [laughs] We've had a trying couple of weeks. We lost our homes. A Bubbie. But we have this food. This lovely roof over our heads, recent bee infestation excluded, which my father-in-law has offered up at a ridiculously inflated price. I've had a particularly challenging last 24 hours. But... Ah... But in the drive-through at Popeyes I found myself saying, "Family combo, please." And it was a moment of clarity. What I mean to say is, I was thinking of you today. All of you. Andy, I think in the past I've dismissed you as being the kind of guy you couldn't really count on and I was wrong. You've been a rock to this family. We need you. Andy's friends, I'd like to welcome you to our country. I hope you get to stay. Keep a low profile. Blend. Shane, I've been unavailable to you and that's rotten. I will be more present. Silas, you've taken on more responsibility in a time of upheaval and it's been admirable. We still need to talk about the GED. Doug, I'm sorry. You and Dana are having problems. But you need to find a place of your own to live. And you need to seek medical attention. And finally, maybe, um... possibly... Wow. I owe an apology to the woman to my right. I left her holding a very big bag. It was not my finest hour. I'm sorry Celia. All of us are sorry.

Nancy

You are not having anymore beer, that was a special occasion... You got shot.

Nancy Botwin

Maybe black people need to start stealin' a little bit bigger.

Maybe fuckin' so.

Josh

Shit hasn't gone this fast since the Passion of the Christ.

Nancy

People got stoned for the Passion of the Christ? That's disturbing.

Josh

It's not as disturbing as seeing it not stoned. Religion my ass. It's a straight up snuff film.

Nancy

(Sees Shane get knocked down on soccer field) Foul! Ref, what's the matter with your whistle?!

Celia Hodes

Well, technically, Nancy, Ref can't call a foul. Shane was kicked by his own teammates.

Shane Botwin

Can we go home now, please?

Nancy

It's not even half-time.

Shane

I don't feel well. I think I have rickets.

Nancy

You know the rules..

Josh

One of your own kind, deal to your own kind. I'm putting the love in the glove.

Heylia

Oh, you poor schmuck, you just played wrong (lays down a domino). That's a boat!

Nancy

Wait, a boat is when the four ends add up to 20?

Heylia

A boat is when I spank this boy's black ass for thinking he all that with his three switchin' bitches.

Nancy

Three switchin' bitches?

Conrad

It's 15. And a boat is 20. Stop fuckin' with her, she's just tryin' to learn the game.

Nancy

All bun?

Conrad

No, uh... hot dog.

(In a parallel line, leans toward Nancy accusingly) I know what you did. I know you stole that goat. Goat thief!

Mr. Norman, step back into your line.

(towards Nancy) It's the economy stupid. But that goat didn't belong to you, it was a free goat.

Shane

(from other side) Mom, it really hurts. It's throbbing.

(Whiny) ‘It's throbbing, Mom.'

Nancy

Back off, nutty!

(Turns away, turns back, leans down towards Shane, whining and mocking) Ah, cry baby, wha, wha.

Nancy

I'm gonna take your free goat and shove it straight up your ass.

(Straightening up) What goat?

Nancy

What do you do if somebody actually calls to get his house cleaned?

Heylia

Then I refer ‘em to my cousin Zondra, who cleans for real. She don't make shit, but Zondra found the Lord so she don't care.

Celia

(A little tipsy, pulls up next to Nancy in Conrads hoopdie) Hey Nancy! Where's your, where's your ring?

Nancy

My ring?

Celia

Yeah, you're pretty little diamond ring.

Nancy

It's in the shop.

Celia

Oh, well, I hope they can fix it.

Nancy

Yes, me too, Celia. Thanks!

Doug

See this Lollipop

Nancy

It isn't...?

Doug

Yes, I'm getting high right now and you can't even tell.

Celia

(Walking into Nancy's House) You really should lock your front door.

Nancy

I do lock it. But Lupita leaves it open so she doesn't have to dig for her keys. Drives me insane.

Celia

Their subtle revenge for having to clean our toilets.

Nancy

I still say, we got the better end of that deal.