Celia Hodes quotes from Weeds

Celia

[Watching a video of her daughter] I should've had an abortion.

Celia

Jesus-Loves-You-Judy loves her hillbilly heroine.

Celia

He just turned out to be another mid-level asshole. And that makes me Mrs. Mid-level Asshole.

Celia

You know, I read somewhere that killing small animals is the first sign of psychotic behavior. You should really tell the parents, they can rush that little sociopath into therapy before he starts tooling around Agrestic in a white van with blacked out windows.

Celia

I haven't shit in 3 days. I'm like an African famine baby.

Celia

High on Ludes. Queen of the Roller Disco. I could fuck against a wall with my skates on, no easy feat.

Celia Hodes

Nancy Botwin.

Celia Hodes

[to her drug rehab group] We're all like one big, wonderful, dysfunctional family, and I love you guys.

Celia Hodes

[to her daughter] And I'm sorry for the massive body issues I have given you. And I'm sorry for judging your lifestyle choice. If you want to love the ladies, love those ladies. Vagina power! I'll buy you a big strap-on for Hanukkah.

Nancy

(Sees Shane get knocked down on soccer field) Foul! Ref, what's the matter with your whistle?!

Celia Hodes

Well, technically, Nancy, Ref can't call a foul. Shane was kicked by his own teammates.

Isabelle

Did you see my kick?

Celia

Yeah, I wanna see more running out there, Isa-belly, now that's what burns the fat.

Celia

Dean?? You awake? (Buzz go the hair clippers)

Isabelle

(In the morning, at the breakfast table) Did your hair go to boarding school in Mexico too?

Silas

Tell me where she is!

Celia

Why? So you can fly down to mexico and spring her from Casa Reforma?

Silas

I love her.

Celia

You stuck your penis in her. That's not love, believe me.

Silas

I am her family.

Celia

Ugh, God, poor thing. Do you really think that my daughter had deep romantic feelings for you? Is that what you think? Now I'm sure that you were a fun and sweaty diversion for her, but the truth is Quinn had a day and a half to get all of her ducks in a row before going to Mexico and she didn't call you. She didn't write or IM or e-mail you either, did she? But I'll tell you what she did do, she downloaded 2,000 songs into her ipod and dyed her hair pink with black on the tips. Because all that Quinn cares about is Quinn. She takes after her father that way.... Poor schmuck.

We need to go somewhere where we can get very, very drunk.

Celia

I'm a mean drunk. Let's go.