Doug Wilson quotes from Weeds

Doug

(Reassuring Nancy that Judah didn't discuss their sex life) The guys who still have sex with their wives usually don't want to jinx it by saying something out loud.

Doug

(On phone) Hey listen, I've got somebody here, we'll finish this up at the next counsel meeting. Your turn to bring the vodka. Okay, you too. Yes, yes, I fucked your wife. Yes, I fucked your mother. Okay, bye.

Doug

Oh, it's a weed wonderland, Nancy. It's like Amsterdam, only better, because you don't have to visit the Anne Frank house and pretend to be all sad and stuff.

Doug

Hey, anymore Stephen Hawking? I wanna be wheeled out of here.

Doug

I'm in a databank?.... I'm in a databank?.... I'm in a databank?

Doug

If you make something mediocre enough, you might even have a go at it.

Doug Wilson

[playing a banjo and singing around a christian group that reaches ecstasy in their prayers against the fire] The Jesus freaks are singing, the Jesus freaks are singing, the Jesus freaks are all singing. They're annoying, self-righteous and lame. [imitates their ecstasy] Everybody, come on, all together.

Doug Wilson

[walking around people playing a guitar and singing] Well, this is just like the Superdome except no rape or piles of human waste. It's still not quite like home even though we got wi-fi, some cookies and toothpaste. Yeah, it's just like the Superdome 'cept everyone's white and middle-class. We got some yoga people chanting, oh, there's lots of Gatorade and toilet paper to wipe our ass. This is just like the Superdo-doh-ome.

Doug Wilson

[to old woman in bar] Listen, you cock-juggling thunder cunt...

Doug Wilson

[to Maria (Mermex)] You're gonna love this country. The land of freedom and opportunity. And...[turns it on] air conditioning. Ah, do you like that? That's the cool breeze of freedom right there.

Doug Wilson

As soon as we figure out our next venture, I want to get a bigger place. I'm thinking generic mexican pharmaceuticals. Sell them to old people with no insurance. What do you think?

Doug

See this Lollipop

Nancy

It isn't...?

Doug

Yes, I'm getting high right now and you can't even tell.

Andy

Hey, Doug.

Doug

Hey, Randy.

Andy

Andy, it's Andy.

Doug

Oh really? I thought... It's not Randy?

Andy

(Andy shakes his head)

Doug

I've always thought of you as a Randy.

Andy

Pretty sure.

Doug

Hmm, wow. Okay.

Andy

Lookin' for Nancy?

Doug

Yeah, I am, is she around?

Andy

No, you can try her cell phone.

Doug

Oh no, no, she needs to sign some stuff, papers and things. (Hears television in background) Are you watching Incredihoes?

Andy

Ha, yeah.

Doug

Oh that's good. I started it 7 or 8 times, I've never seen the whole thing.

Andy

That's a strong endorsement.

Doug

It is. Oh... I don't suppose you'd let me watch with you, would ya?

Andy

That'd be kinda weird

Doug

Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right. Well, enjoy. Orgasmagirl's a squirter.

Andy

Hey hey hey, spoiler.

Doug

You know I've got about an 8th of Romula on me.

Andy

Come on in.

Andy

Runway?

Doug

You know that little piece of skin that runs between your asshole and your balls, or asshole and vagina, that's called a runway.

Andy

That's called a taint, taint ass, taint equipment.

Doug

What the hell's that mean? No, I think "runway" is much more of a visual description.

Andy

It's a taint.

Doug

Runway.

Andy

This is a taint.

Doug

Runway.

Andy

Hey, Lupita, settle an argument for us. What do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole?

Lupita

The coffee table.

Celia Hodes

Doug, what's your take on this Majestic proposal?

Doug Wilson

Basically, Majestic's overflowing a river of crap. It's got no place to go, but through us. Like a physical colonic. We got them by the sphincter. Shit highway could be our road to riches.