Andy Botwin quotes from Weeds

Andy

Know this, Lupita: until you love me, I've got enough love for the both of us.

Andy

If there's one thing I learned about the Christ crowd, absolutely no sense of humor. Should've gone after the Jew market, least we can take a joke

Andy

You know, I don't think you're adorable anymore.

Andy

[getting a phone call from Celia's kidnapper] Hello?... Yeah, I know Celia... We're all gonna die. What does that mean anyway? Life is cheap, people die and people have babies... Everyday they're having babies! What's with that? Kidnapper man, I mean, women in their forty's are having babies, doesn't that seem weird to you?... What? No, I'm not gonna pay the ransom... Allo?... Rude.

Andy

Hey, I know all the best rehabs. I'm totally addicted to that show Intervention.

Nancy

They wanted to suspend him.

Andy

For what? If Shane wants to believe in Chris, and they try to suspend him for it, Whoa! That's freedom of religion, that's like the first commandment; we could nail ‘em on that.

Nancy

I don't think Chris is protected under "Freedom of Religion," Andy. In fact, the Angry Christian Moms I heard from in the PTA were pretty offended by it.

Andy

Well that's so intolerant. I mean, what would Jesus do?

Andy

Hey pants

Nancy

Please tell me I didn't hear that you had cyber sex with a 15 year old deaf girl.

Andy

The way I see it is you're in way over your head here. You got a house, you got bills, you're a mommy. Dealing is a full time job. You need some help, Nancy Pants.

Nancy

Don't call me pants. Judah called me pants, not you.

Andy

Hey, I miss him too, Nancy. Whatever you think about me, Judah was my brother. And I loved him. And I have your back.

Andy

Hey, Doug.

Doug

Hey, Randy.

Andy

Andy, it's Andy.

Doug

Oh really? I thought... It's not Randy?

Andy

(Andy shakes his head)

Doug

I've always thought of you as a Randy.

Andy

Pretty sure.

Doug

Hmm, wow. Okay.

Andy

Lookin' for Nancy?

Doug

Yeah, I am, is she around?

Andy

No, you can try her cell phone.

Doug

Oh no, no, she needs to sign some stuff, papers and things. (Hears television in background) Are you watching Incredihoes?

Andy

Ha, yeah.

Doug

Oh that's good. I started it 7 or 8 times, I've never seen the whole thing.

Andy

That's a strong endorsement.

Doug

It is. Oh... I don't suppose you'd let me watch with you, would ya?

Andy

That'd be kinda weird

Doug

Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right. Well, enjoy. Orgasmagirl's a squirter.

Andy

Hey hey hey, spoiler.

Doug

You know I've got about an 8th of Romula on me.

Andy

Come on in.

Andy

Runway?

Doug

You know that little piece of skin that runs between your asshole and your balls, or asshole and vagina, that's called a runway.

Andy

That's called a taint, taint ass, taint equipment.

Doug

What the hell's that mean? No, I think "runway" is much more of a visual description.

Andy

It's a taint.

Doug

Runway.

Andy

This is a taint.

Doug

Runway.

Andy

Hey, Lupita, settle an argument for us. What do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole?

Lupita

The coffee table.

Andy

Yeah, I cook, you sell. Come on, Nanc. I don't mind you being out there in front, I'm totally liberated. It's me and you, babe, Team Botwin.

Nancy

Please leave.

Andy

I will, just as soon as you sign these papers. There's no water in this tub!

Nancy

I can't do this right now.

Andy

You have to. Doug says if you don't hurry, they're gonna put a vitamin store in there. And this town does not need more gingko biloba. It needs pot brownies. Come on, sign.

Nancy

Andy, today, it was brought to my attention that the down side of this business is death. So right now, I'm not thinking about the bakery, I'm thinking of enrolling in dental hygiene school so my children aren't orphans.

Andy

If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own.

Nancy

(Laughs) Now I pledge never to die.

Andy

Well, we're gonna have to get a longer lease.

Nancy

This is my business. This has nothing to do with you. Go downstairs, do what you do best. Patrol the couch in your underwear.

Andy

Look, this is different. This is my moment. I was born to cook drugs.

Sir, you do realize you just rolled through a stop sign?

Andy

Nice bike. Did your horse die?

Sir –

Andy

You must be in killer shape. Let me see your quads man.

May I see your driver's license and registration please.

Andy

When you arrest people do you ride ‘em in on your handlebars or do they just sit on the back with their arms around you?

Step out of the car.

Andy

Oh, come on. Seriously? I'm just having fun. You're a cop in bike shorts. It's adorable.

I have a gun.

Andy

Cool, I'm cool.

Andy

Why didn't I just take off? The guy was on a bike for god's sake.

Nancy

‘Cause you're stupid. So, Ms. Greenstein, wha-what happens now?

Incarceration, in a medium security prison for no longer than 10 years.

Andy

10 years?

Joke! (Laughs) Listen up everybody, there's nothing to worry about. You're looking at a fine and, probably an anti-drug class.

Nancy

So, no jail time?

You've obviously never sat through an anti-drug class. You had less than an ounce on you, there's no jail for that.

Andy

Oh, that's bullshit.

I don't understand, that's good news.

Andy

I paid for a full ounce. They fuckin' cheated me.

Nancy

They fuckin' saved your ass from going to jail.

Still that's very un-cool. There used to be an unbroken spiritual bond between dealer and buyer. I feel your pain, Andrew, and I return it with a renewed sense of outrage.

Nancy

So less than an ounce is a misdemeanor?

That's only if the cop's an asshole. Most cops just let you go.

Nancy

What if the marijuana is in baked goods – say, candy or chocolate?

(Sing-songy) If you can eat it, you can beat it.

Nancy

What would get their attention?

Andy

If I sued ‘em, can I sue ‘em?

All right, you asked for it, you get it. The lay of the land. Marijuana currently exists in the legal gray area, it's not illegal to have weed, less than an ounce that is, Andrew, but it's illegal to buy it.

Nancy

What about growing?

Ah, botany. As long as it's not broken down, non-specific weight, we're talking a slap on the wrist, 3-5.

Nancy

Years?

Probation.

Nancy

So you can grow it, but you can't break it down?

Not unless you wanna go to jail or flee to Mexico. Or Canada. Canada rocks. Primo weed, reeeaaalllly good Chinese food.

Nancy

Do you have a card? Because you never know in my business when you might need a lawyer.

What's your business?

Nancy

I own a bakery.

Smart cover. Call anytime.

Andy Botwin

What are they teaching you at school?

Shane Botwin

[Sarcastically] Like how to pass the standardised tests to give the school more funding!

Get your corn holly shit shit-stained asses over here!

Andy Botwin

What's with all the...recurring homophobic imagery? I'm starting to worry about this guy.