“Free Goat” · Season 1, Episode 2
In this episode: Celia Hodes (10), Nancy Botwin (5), Heylia (5), Tennis Pro (4), Silas Botwin (3), Shane Botwin (2), Conrad Shepard (2), Vaneeta (1)
Do you think I'm weird?
Totally weird, but you're awesome. Αnd I wouldn't trade you in for any other almost-ten-year-old on earth.
What if there's life on other planets and there's an unbelieveable, amazing ten year old out there?
Why would I trade down? To me, you're the best dude, you are the amazing unbelievable Shane Botwin.
Dean?? You awake? (Buzz go the hair clippers)
(In the morning, at the breakfast table) Did your hair go to boarding school in Mexico too?
Tell me where she is!
Why? So you can fly down to mexico and spring her from Casa Reforma?
I love her.
You stuck your penis in her. That's not love, believe me.
I am her family.
Ugh, God, poor thing. Do you really think that my daughter had deep romantic feelings for you? Is that what you think? Now I'm sure that you were a fun and sweaty diversion for her, but the truth is Quinn had a day and a half to get all of her ducks in a row before going to Mexico and she didn't call you. She didn't write or IM or e-mail you either, did she? But I'll tell you what she did do, she downloaded 2,000 songs into her ipod and dyed her hair pink with black on the tips. Because all that Quinn cares about is Quinn. She takes after her father that way.... Poor schmuck.
Oh, you poor schmuck, you just played wrong (lays down a domino). That's a boat!
Wait, a boat is when the four ends add up to 20?
A boat is when I spank this boy's black ass for thinking he all that with his three switchin' bitches.
Three switchin' bitches?
It's 15. And a boat is 20. Stop fuckin' with her, she's just tryin' to learn the game.
All bun?
No, uh... hot dog.
That's it. Range Rover for stoney clover.
Jesus-Loves-You-Judy loves her hillbilly heroine.
I call 911. (Into phone) Hello? Hello?
Fucking perfect the phone's still dead.
(Smacks Silas) You don't say fucking to your mother.
(In a parallel line, leans toward Nancy accusingly) I know what you did. I know you stole that goat. Goat thief!
Mr. Norman, step back into your line.
(towards Nancy) It's the economy stupid. But that goat didn't belong to you, it was a free goat.
(from other side) Mom, it really hurts. It's throbbing.
(Whiny) ‘It's throbbing, Mom.'
Back off, nutty!
(Turns away, turns back, leans down towards Shane, whining and mocking) Ah, cry baby, wha, wha.
I'm gonna take your free goat and shove it straight up your ass.
(Straightening up) What goat?
Now, I know you got troubles, but like my momma always said, "Tough shit."
What do you do if somebody actually calls to get his house cleaned?
Then I refer ‘em to my cousin Zondra, who cleans for real. She don't make shit, but Zondra found the Lord so she don't care.
How much you think we get for that? (referring to Nancy's wedding bang and ring)
Nothin'. She'll be back.
We need to go somewhere where we can get very, very drunk.
I'm a mean drunk. Let's go.
He always did excellent work down there... Piece of shit.
IS that what you think? He's shit?
You know, when you stop being cute and clean and funny at home and start spending afternoons with your head buried in the snatch of the tennis pro, yeah, you're a piece of shit.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Weeds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
