Conrad Shepard quotes from Weeds

Conrad

You should never question Heylia's eyeballin'. That's the Rainman of weed, right there.

Conrad

This for you Snowflake. This my special blend, I call this here Clark Kent. Just sniff this, right here. It's good, huh?! You smoke this shit and you just wanna rip your clothes off in a phone booth and fight crime. I'm serious!

Nancy Botwin

Maybe black people need to start stealin' a little bit bigger.

Maybe fuckin' so.

Heylia

Oh, you poor schmuck, you just played wrong (lays down a domino). That's a boat!

Nancy

Wait, a boat is when the four ends add up to 20?

Heylia

A boat is when I spank this boy's black ass for thinking he all that with his three switchin' bitches.

Nancy

Three switchin' bitches?

Conrad

It's 15. And a boat is 20. Stop fuckin' with her, she's just tryin' to learn the game.

Nancy

All bun?

Conrad

No, uh... hot dog.

Heylia

Hey! Hey! Stop all that damn arguing, this is a house of peace. (Interrupted by gun shots and bullets) Everybody all right?

Vaneeta

Yeah

Conrad

Cool. Snowflake? Snowflake?

Vaneeta

She's in shock, slap her.

Conrad

I ain't slappin' no white woman.

Heylia

Move, I'll do it.

Nancy

No, I'm okay (in a very shaky voice)

Heylia

You sure?

Nancy

Yeah (sniff).

Heylia

all right, let's clean this shit up.

Nancy

(Giggling a little) Is somebody gonna call the police?

Heylia

Baby, that probably was the police.

Nancy

I'm gonna go. Wait, I need my keys.

Conrad

We got unsettled business, you haven't even talked to me about my car yet. How you gonna get your keys now?

Heylia

Boy! The girl just had her shootin' cherry broke, give her the keys.

[sees Conrad through the door's hatch and is rather surprised an African-American lives in the neighborhood] Oh...

Conrad Shepard

Can I help you?

Uh, [the initial shock slowly fades away] hello. I'm Eve Meriweather.

Conrad Shepard

Good for you.

Conrad Shepard

Uh, what is it I'm supposed to be looking out for?

Eve Meriweather

Oh, why our cross, of course. [hands him over an article from the newspaper]

Conrad Shepard

Someone stole your cross?

Eve Meriweather

Yes.

Conrad Shepard

That is a damn shame. Who would do something like that?

Eve Meriweather

Jews.

Conrad Shepard

Hmm, I haven't seen it. Haven't seen many Jews around here, either.

Eve Meriweather

Well, they're mostly urban.

Eve Meriweather

[with a wicked smile] See you all in church, I hope...

Conrad Shepard

Sure. Church. Praise the lord.

Vaneeta

Hallelujah.