Weeds quotes

Yeah, lookin' in the dictionary the other day, saw your picture sittin' up in there. Right next to "Dumb ass white bitch."

Heylia

We should start that in this neighborhood. Call it the "I'm getting' skinny ‘cause some nigger stole my food" diet.

Nancy Botwin

Maybe black people need to start stealin' a little bit bigger.

Maybe fuckin' so.

Conrad

You should never question Heylia's eyeballin'. That's the Rainman of weed, right there.

Silas Botwin

What? Who told you that? She's totally deaf. And Dennis Kling says there's nothing wrong with her tongue.

Josh

Shit hasn't gone this fast since the Passion of the Christ.

Nancy

People got stoned for the Passion of the Christ? That's disturbing.

Josh

It's not as disturbing as seeing it not stoned. Religion my ass. It's a straight up snuff film.

Josh

If they're too young to bleed, they're too young for weed. If there's no grass in their field, no weed will they yield.

Nancy

(Sees Shane get knocked down on soccer field) Foul! Ref, what's the matter with your whistle?!

Celia Hodes

Well, technically, Nancy, Ref can't call a foul. Shane was kicked by his own teammates.

Shane Botwin

Can we go home now, please?

Nancy

It's not even half-time.

Shane

I don't feel well. I think I have rickets.

Shane

Actually, you should alternate cold and hot every 20 minutes.

Don't even talk to me weirdo.

Shane

I am so dead, I am so dead. Is he coming?

Silas

There's no one chasing you, Shane. Oh man, are you wearing lipstick?

It's not lipstick. It's fruit punch.

Shane

I threw a can of soda at Devon Rensler.

Silas

Well that was stupid.

Shane

He called me "Orphan boy."

Silas

He's a fuckwad.

Did you hit him?

Shane

No, just grazed him.

Silas

Oh, that's bad. You can't miss the bear.

What bear?

Shane

I missed the bear... The shot was no where near his optimum kill zone.

What are you talking about?

Silas

Don't you watch bear hunt? On the wilderness channel.

Somehow I've missed it.

Shane

It's only the best show in the history of television!

Silas

Every week these guys with gun racks and their big old monster trucks go out and they kill a bear.

That's horrible

Shane

No, it's so awesome!

Silas

Right, right, right

Shane

You've gotta bring enough gun to get the job done. Oh! And tell her about CGS!

Silas

Whoa, Shane, you're gonna wet yourself.

Shane

Shut up, you're just as into it.

Silas

Carter Grizzly Sike. He's the host. At the end of the show –

Shane

He's got the head of the bear that they shot that week.

Silas

Right, right, and he leaves you with, like, these wise parting words like (in a red neck accent), "You can't miss the bear or he's gonna turn around and rip you open like a present from your mama on Christmas morning."

Okay, we are breaking up.

Silas

Come on, think of the time this'll save us on foreplay. You just whisper, "Shoot me in the optimum kill zone," and I'll be good to go.

: I could whisper "Linoleum" and you'd be good to go.

Shane

I think pink's really your color, you fuckwad!

Doug

(Reassuring Nancy that Judah didn't discuss their sex life) The guys who still have sex with their wives usually don't want to jinx it by saying something out loud.

Nancy

You know the rules..

Josh

One of your own kind, deal to your own kind. I'm putting the love in the glove.