Shelly [showing Alan her family photo album]: Now this picture here is toward the end of my labor. That's my vagina, and that's Melissa's little head pokin' out of me like a groundhog. Hey, I guess if she'd seen her shadow, I would've had six more weeks of labor, huh?
S6 E12Thank God For Scoliosis
(Jake gets out of his chair on the deck)
Where are you going?
I'm a 14-year-old boy who just got ear-boob. Where do you think I'm going?
S6 E13I Think You Offended Don
I feel like the universe is playing some horrible practical joke on me.
Wow. I lost $8,000 playing poker, I have no idea where my car is, threw up in my mouth three times, and I'm still having a better night than you are.
I'm gonna have a daughter, Charlie.
OK, OK, first of all, you don't know if it's your kid. All we know is that when Judith and Herb broke up, you nailed Judith. Then when they reconciled, Herb nailed Judith. So the only thing we know for sure is that despite all outward appearances, Judith is a slut.
Unicorns? Oh, Herb, that's just a pony with a strap-on!
S6 E14David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie
Charlie [after Alan and Melissa share a breakfast sausage]: Aw. Nothing says "love" like a little morning pork.
This is so nice. A private, intimate dinner for just the two of us. Oh, my God, you guys! [he and Melissa enter the room for Alan's birthday party but nobody is there] There's nobody here.
I don't understand. I told them to be here an hour ago.
Yeah, well, what are you gonna do? My family are a bunch of thoughtless, selfish buttwipes. [he turns around to see Charlie, Jake, Evelyn, and Berta standing in the doorway]
Surprise.
I want to thank you all for coming to celebrate this wonderful occasion.
I thought it was Alan's birthday.
Alan, darling, you were always the good son. Of course, your brother didn't set the bar very high.
MSMelissa's Mother
I have pictures of myself dressed in a forest rangers uniform and have absoulately no memory of being a forest ranger. Thank you.
[To Berta, Evelyn and Charlie] You should be ashamed of yourselves. This (Alan) is a warm and wonderful human being and he deserves more, especially from his family. I don't even know why you guys showed up tonight.
Well, I can't speak for anybody else, but I'm getting overtime.
MSMelissa's Mother
You know, I did spend a summer in Yosemite doing 'shrooms, so maybe I wasn't an official forest ranger.
S6 E15I'd Like to Start With the Cat
Who's my best friend? Where do I work? What's my cat's name? What's my favorite movie? What kind of music do I like? What religion was I raised in? And do I have any brothers and sisters?
Okay, I'd like to startwith the cat.
Wanna know her [Chelsea's] cat's name?
No.
It's "Mandu".
Mandu?
Yeah, you know, "Cat Mandu"? It's cute, huh?
Why was I thinking "Puss-Puss"?
Because that's what you're always thinking.
No cookies? What the hell is going on around here?!
Hey, watch your mouth!
I am watching it. It's empty. I need dessert!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.