Alan [on the phone, wearing a dress]: Yes, yes, my car has been stolen. Yes, just now. If-- if you can hurry, you can... sure, I'll hold.
Why am I not surprised? Did it have to be my red chiffon?
S6 E9The Mooch at the Boo
Jerome [sobbing]: And after I blew out my knee, my wife left me.
Oh, man, I'm sorry.
For a placekicker!
Ooh, insult to injury.
A little tiny dude from Serbia. Not a single vowel in his entire name!
Oh, yeah, Grl Zrbnck. That guy could sure split the uprights... in a football manner of speaking.
S6 E10He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited
We'll be lucky to leave here [Evelyn's house] with all of our limbs and gonads!
What's a gonad?
You are.
So it's bad.
You're not a gonad.
Says the other gonad.
Did you hear? Grandma's sending you to college!
Now? I haven't finished my soup!
Mom, have you thought this through? Look at him! Maybe there should be one child left behind.
She's [Evelyn] buying Lunkhead a car?
And a college education.
Huh. Well, I guess that makes sense if it's a clown college and the car seats twenty.
What if I flunk out? Do I have to give the car back?
No, sweetheart, what makes you think you'll flunk out?
Well, history. Right now there's a 60/60 chance I'm gonna have to repeat the eighth grade.
60/60, huh?
At least. It could be 70/40.
Well, we can rule out the Ivy League.
Is that good?
For the Ivy League.
It became clear to me that I don't like what I'm doing, and now that Mom is taking care of Jake, I can spend my time doing the things that give me joy.
So you're gonna masturbate in a kayak?
S6 E11The Devil's Lube
You should have seen it, Berta. The paramedics zipped him up in a big plastic bag.
Is that so?
It looked like one of those things that delivery guys use to keep pizza hot. I wonder if they got him to the morgue in thirty minutes or less.
I was trying to research cars, but you wouldn't believe what comes up when you Google "Hummer".
Actually, I would.
I've been thinking a lot about how fleeting life is, and that none of us really knows how long we're gonna be here.
Did you find another lump on your pee-pee?
No, Mom, my pee-pee's fine!
I don't know how "worn down to a nub" can be fine, but all right...
[while Charlie imagines his own funeral]
JEJames Earl Jones
To be completely honest, I didn't know Charlie Harper. But any man who, with his dying breath, would set aside $25,000 and a first-class air ticket so I could deliver his eulogy is aces in my book!
I don't care if I never inherit this house.
Uh, uh... excuse me? You ain't seen this new will, huh?
What new will?
Just in case tragedy strikes, be prepared to clear your crap out of here in 48 hours.
(After realizing he's going to move out when Charlie dies) Son of a bitch!
S6 E12Thank God For Scoliosis
So you and her [Melissa] are, uh...
Oh, no-no, no, nothing's happened yet. Just a little kissing, and... she could feel my... "enthusiasm".
What, are you Noël Coward? Just say "boner"!
Everything work out at the office?
Uh-huh.
Manage to keep your hands off Really Little Annie Fanny?
Well, not exactly, but, uh, we did keep it above the waist.
Her waist or yours?
Both. And it wasn't easy. I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure my balls look like two-thirds of the Blue Man Group.
Berta, hide the vacuum cleaner!
For the last time, I use it to get lint off my trousers.
Then why do you call it "Brenda"?
[Charlie and Jake are having dinner at Janine's house]
Listen, buddy, you're gonna have to make yourself scarce. Maybe take a cab home.
You take a cab home. I'm doing great!
How do you figure?
You blind? First base off the top of my head, second base in my ear...
Listen to me, knucklehead, that woman's gotta be ten years older than you.
So? You're like, fifteen years older than her! Step aside, Grandpa.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.