You have a choice here: You can dig down and confront your feelings so they won't be controlling your behavior, or you can keep eating pudding and cookies until you have more chins than a Chinese phone book.
S6 E15I'd Like to Start With the Cat
And how's your family back in... Davenport, Iowa?
I'm from Champaign, Illinois.
You sure?
I'm sure.
Bastard set me up!
[on couples counseling]
Oh, it's horrible. But it's worth it, because you're paying a stranger to watch while your life goes down the toilet. Along with your money and your house and your car and every last SHRED OF YOUR SELF-RESPECT!
You know, maybe you're not the right guy to ask.
Oh, no, no, no, I-- I'm the perfect guy to ask. Wh-- when Judith and I started, we were just a couple with a few problems. When we finished, I CAME TO LIVE ON YOUR COUCH! GOD BLESS COUPLES COUNSELING!
If you want dessert, have an apple!
Not funny, Dad!
[After when Jake takes Charlie's pudding cups]
The little turd (Jake) called my bluff!
[Scoffs, then he is hit in the head by Charlie] OW!!
S6 E16She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime
Hey, hey, it's got nothing to do with jealousy. I just know, based on a lifetime of experience, that penises do not observe a traditional mourning period.
So what's it gonna be? A movie, bowling, putt-putt, Nevada cathouse?
I vote for cathouse.
Do you even know what a cathouse is?
Not firsthand. That's why I voted for it!
A movie would be fine.
All right. A movie it is. What's out that's good?
There's a new pirate movie. It's rated "Arr!" [Alan and Charlie stare at him] You guys have no sense of humor.
[Charlie is drinking on the patio with Wanda while Chelsea is out of town]
Have I met this woman before?
I doubt it.
She looks familiar.
Blond, busty, and bombed? Around here, that's familiar.
I thought Uncle Charlie liked Chelsea.
He does.
Well, then, what's he doing with Wanda?
Well, buddy, it's like this: uh, despite his many admirable qualities, your Uncle Charlie is, at heart, a sleazeball.
That's what I figured. I just wanted a second opinion.
I still don't understand why it's called Back to the Future.
Because they're stuck in the past, and they have to get back...
Home.
Hey, Jake...
You might wanna hang back a sec. I just ripped off an air biscuit.
What?
I farted. Sorry, I get the fancy words from my dad.
S6 E17The "Ocu" or the "Pado"
[at the restaurant where Charlie is on his date with Chelsea]
BBobby
Is everything all right, Mr. Harper?
Yeah, terrific. Listen, my date's in the ladies' room, and I need you to do something for me.
BBobby
Not a problem. I'll have the valet bring your car around to the alley, I'll open the men's restroom window so you can shimmy out, and I'll have a cab standing by to take the lady home along with the customary chocolate soufflé to go.
[At Dr.Freeman office]
FDr.Freeman
Hey Charlie, how's it going?
Boy you really blew it this time.
FDr.Freeman
Did I now? How so?
(sighs) I've fallen in love with Chelsea.
FDr.Freeman
(distracted) Oop my bad
Damn right your bad. There were plenty of medications that would have turned me into a happy little potato but would you prescribe them no. You said I had to get in touch with my feelings and express them with the people I care about.
FDr.Freeman
Sorry I must have been drunk.
What the hell did I just swallow?
A one-bedroom condo.
What?
I put a diamond ring in your champagne glass!
Why?
What do you mean, "why?" I was gonna propose and I had no idea you'd chug it like a Jell-O shot!
That was a ring I just swallowed?!
Hey, who drinks champagne like that?
I was thirsty! Stop yelling at me!
How in God's name could you swallow it so easily?!
Hey, that's one of the things you love about me!
Hey, Berta, where do we keep the spaghetti strainer thingy?
It's called a colander. What do you need it for?
It's not for me. It's for Chelsea.
OK, what kind of Martha Stewart freak show you got going on up there?
S6 E18My Son's Enormous Head
I think I'm coming down with a cold. [blows her nose]
That doesn't sound like a cold. It sounds like quitting time in Bedrock.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.