So you and her [Melissa] are, uh...
Oh, no-no, no, nothing's happened yet. Just a little kissing, and... she could feel my... "enthusiasm".
What, are you Noël Coward? Just say "boner"!
Everything work out at the office?
Uh-huh.
Manage to keep your hands off Really Little Annie Fanny?
Well, not exactly, but, uh, we did keep it above the waist.
Her waist or yours?
Both. And it wasn't easy. I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure my balls look like two-thirds of the Blue Man Group.
Berta, hide the vacuum cleaner!
For the last time, I use it to get lint off my trousers.
Then why do you call it "Brenda"?
[Charlie and Jake are having dinner at Janine's house]
Listen, buddy, you're gonna have to make yourself scarce. Maybe take a cab home.
You take a cab home. I'm doing great!
How do you figure?
You blind? First base off the top of my head, second base in my ear...
Listen to me, knucklehead, that woman's gotta be ten years older than you.
So? You're like, fifteen years older than her! Step aside, Grandpa.
Shelly [showing Alan her family photo album]: Now this picture here is toward the end of my labor. That's my vagina, and that's Melissa's little head pokin' out of me like a groundhog. Hey, I guess if she'd seen her shadow, I would've had six more weeks of labor, huh?
(Jake gets out of his chair on the deck)
Where are you going?
I'm a 14-year-old boy who just got ear-boob. Where do you think I'm going?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.