TV show quotes
Don’t worry, nothing could have happened, I’m gay.
[relieved] Ah, that's right. You're gay. Wait, how gay? Like, 1 being "Yay, it’s college!" Or 10 being "I’m going Subaru shopping with Ellen and Rosie."
I'm closer to a nine. I mean, I make my own soap, but I don’t sell it at the Lilith Fair.
I have a motto for situations like this. What happens in Jenny, stays in Jenny.
Are we gonna talk about the orgy we had last night?
What...?
You were there?
Hell yeah. I banged James Franco.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
A little house on the beach in Hawaii with Kate Upton.
Kate Upton’s straight.
Give me two weeks.
Well I can see where Walden gets his pretty face.
Well aren't you sweet? He's single, you know.
I know, are you? [Walden hastily gets his mother out of the house and turns to Jenny]
Really?!
Hey, just 'cause you came out of it, doesn't mean I don't want to get into it!
It's not that complicated. The first time you masturbate thinking about the school nurse, you pretty much know.
Oh, my God, I'm a lesbian.
'Twas the night before Christmas when all down the beach
Not a creature was stirring, not even a leech.
Alan was nestled, all snug in his bed
While visions of lesbians danced in his head.
Brooke and Jenny were sleeping, a long winter's nap
Surrounded by bottles with nary a cap.
Jenny was nervous and frightened, but took a big chance.
She let Brooke in her heart, as well as her pants.
While Berta in her vest and I in my hattie
Had just baked our brains out with a big Christmas fatty.
We started to doze, we hadn't a care.
Happy Christmas to all. My balls have no hair.
I've got great news. Ice cream sandwiches are in the oven. They'll be ready at 5.
Better hope I don't run into Mila Kunis.
Yeah, like that's gonna happen.
[to the urn holding Charlie's ashes] Hey, Charlie. It's me, Walden. We...never met, but I'm the guy who took your place. Thanks for giving up your house. I guess you didn't really give it up, you died. You'd have to be on crack to give up all this.
Can you believe it? We're still together, three years later.
I know. I thought for sure it was over when Charlie died.
Thank God I showed up.
You don't have the death certificate, do you?
No, but I'm sure my mom does.
How are you gonna get it from her without telling her about the money?
Uh, remember four years ago, how I told you I'd only be here a few days? I think I can figure it out.
[looking at audience] I can't wait for this to be over.
[in a text to Walden] You despicable troll. You thought you could replace my ninja awesomeness, you lame clown. I will deploy army of assassins to destroy you, I will bring my bayonets of truth to the hexagon of death where I will carve my initials into your reptilian skull and cover you in tiger's blood.
This guy has some serious rage issues.
Has he tried anger management?
Yeah, but it didn’t work.
I’m not letting Charlie drive me out of this house. I reward his bad behavior.
Yeah, that’s only supposed to happen in show business.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
