Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Chelsea

What the hell did I just swallow?

Charlie

A one-bedroom condo.

Chelsea

What?

Charlie

I put a diamond ring in your champagne glass!

Chelsea

Why?

Charlie

What do you mean, "why?" I was gonna propose and I had no idea you'd chug it like a Jell-O shot!

Chelsea

That was a ring I just swallowed?!

Charlie

Hey, who drinks champagne like that?

Chelsea

I was thirsty! Stop yelling at me!

Charlie

How in God's name could you swallow it so easily?!

Chelsea

Hey, that's one of the things you love about me!

Charlie

Hey, Berta, where do we keep the spaghetti strainer thingy?

Berta

It's called a colander. What do you need it for?

Charlie

It's not for me. It's for Chelsea.

Berta

OK, what kind of Martha Stewart freak show you got going on up there?

Chelsea

I think I'm coming down with a cold. [blows her nose]

Charlie

That doesn't sound like a cold. It sounds like quitting time in Bedrock.

Charlie

This isn't a Clint Eastwood movie!

Alan

Yes, it is.

Charlie

Even Clint Eastwood doesn't think this is a Clint Eastwood movie!

Alan

Well, tough. I like it.

Charlie

Sure, you do. You're a giant fruit basket.

Alan

I'll never apologize for my feminine side.

Alan

So what's the deal? Does, uh, Chelsea have a cold?

Charlie

I'm not sure. Cold, flu, something disgusting.

Jake

Maybe she has an STD.

Charlie

What?

Jake

It means "sexually transmitted disease".

Charlie

I know what STD's are!

Alan

Your uncle helped invent them.

Jake

You know, they can be prevented by using a condom.

Charlie

I know we could have prevented you by using a condom. Now we gotta use a hammer.

Jake

I don't understand.

Charlie

Go get me a hammer, and I'll show you.

Jake

Okay. (walks to the utility room)

Charlie

(to Alan) You must be so proud.

Jake

(from the utility room) Ballpeen or claw hammer?

Alan

Do me a favour. When he comes back, just do it.

Charlie

Oh, please don't leave!

Alan

Oh, please don't hang up!

I love you!

Berta

And I love you, too.

Jake

See you later.

Charlie

Where you going?

Jake

Down to the pier with Celeste.

Herb

Who's Celeste?

Jake

My girlfriend. She lives next door.

Herb

She pretty?

Jake

She's gorgeous, and smart and popular.

Herb

No kidding.

Charlie

We don't get it either.

Alan

Maybe she's punishing her father.

Jake

Let's hope so!

Charlie

Ordering a pizza and going home. Two of the three things you want in a woman.

Alan

And you wonder why Chelsea dumped you.

Charlie

I'll tell you what I wonder. I wonder how you could possibly get stoned enough to stick your tongue in the mouth of a sixty-year-old woman.

Herb

Zing!

[delivering pizza] Hey Mr. Harper.

Charlie

Oh, hey Gordon! It's been a long time.

Yeah, two years.

Charlie

So what have you been up to?

Well, I finished night school, got my business degree, met an amazing girl and got married, landed a great job as a stock brocker, the company went under, my wife left me and - uh - that'll be 28.50.

Charlie

Oh, man I'm sorry. You want a drink?

Why stop now?

Where do you guys want me to put these [pizzas]?

Alan

Oh, uh, here, let me, uh, move the snickerdoodles.

[sighs] Snickerdoodles.

Alan

You don't like them?

No, no, I do. It's just that my wife used to call me her little snickerdoodle.

Charlie

You're kidding.

Well, no, not all of me. It was her little nickname for my, uh... [awkward chuckle]

Jerome

Oh, that is a terrible name for a penis.

Oh, yeah? What did your wife call yours?

Jerome

Mr. Roundtree. [everyone stares] Richard Roundtree? The guy who played Shaft? [everyone murmurs in agreement]

Alan

That's way better than "snickerdoodle".

Herb

Judith calls mine "that thing".

Alan

As in, "Get that thing away from me"?

Herb

Yeah, how did you know?

Alan

Just a guess.

Evelyn

Look, Charlie, if you're really going to marry this woman, I want to get started on the right foot. I don't want to make the same mistake I did with Alan's wife June.

Charlie

Judith.

Evelyn

Oh, whatever. Heinous woman. The fact remains, had I overlooked that and welcomed her into the family, she wouldn't have kept me at arm's length all during Jake's formative years and I'd have a better relationship with him today.

Charlie

Do you want a better relationship with him?

Evelyn

Not the way he is now! But if I'd gotten to him earlier, he wouldn't have the manners of an outhouse rat.

Chelsea

Believe me, when you meet my mom, you'll thank God for Evelyn.

Charlie

What the hell is your mom, a rabid werewolf who craps hot lava on people?

Charlie

This is a Rolex! You sold me out for a watch!

Alan

Hey, I did not sell you out for a watch. I sold you out for a genuine Swiss chronometer. Stainless steel submariner, waterproof up to 300 meters, and look, it winds itself. [repeatedly shakes his left hand]

Charlie

Put it on your right arm, it'll run forever.

Alan

Oh hey, good idea!

Now, be honest with me, Charlie. You're so dark and handsome, you've gotta have some dago in you, right?

Charlie

God, I love your mom.

Charlie

What'cha doin'?

Alan

Building an original 1978 Firebird. Got it on eBay.

Charlie

OK. Why?

Alan

I had this model when I was little, remember? I spent a month building it and painting it and putting on all the decals...

Charlie

Is that the one I tried to make a bong out of?

Alan

No, that was my Munster Mobile. And my Ventriloquist dummy, and my Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. My Firebird, you blowtorched with a cigarette lighter and Mom's Aqua-Net.

Charlie

Oh, yeah, the "Fire"-bird.