Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Whiskey, neat.

Charlie

Since when do you drink hard liquor?

Since right now. I'd order a glass of crack if it were on the menu.

BBobby

Tru dat.

View quote →

Charlie

So, once again, what are you up to?

OK, at first I was just doing a little light recon on Chelsea to make sure you weren't dating a whack job.

Charlie

You thought Chelsea might be...? Go on.

Well, good news, she's not. She's got a cousin who's a truck stop hooker, and her mom's an honorary Kleagle in the Ku Klux Klan, but Chelsea's clean as a whistle.

Charlie

Kleagle?

According to Wikipedia, it's below Grand Dragon and above Exalted Cyclops.

View quote →

Charlie

[After finding Alan in the shower with Rose and Alan comes out] Explain it to me Alan, help me understand.

Oh, you mean Rose?

Charlie

No, I mean the internal combustion engine...Yes I mean Rose!

View quote →

Charlie

[to Rose] So you actually wanna be with him?

[replies back to Charlie] I do.

Charlie

[to Alan] And you believe she's got no ulterior motive whatsoever?

[replies back to Charlie] I do.

Charlie

[to both of them] Fine. I now pronounce you fruit basket & nutcase! May God have mercy on your souls.

View quote →

Charlie

Oh, come on, Chelsea! Is this about money? 'Cause I'd be happy to pay the lease on your apartment.

It's not about money, you ass! I just think it's ridiculous that we're engaged and not living together!

Charlie

Well, excuse me for being old-fashioned! I'm just not comfortable with us living in sin.

So you think we should stop having sex?

Charlie

No, no, no, it's not the "sin" I object to, it's the "living" in it.

S6 E22 Sir Lancelot's Litter Box

View quote →

What do you want me to do, Charlie?! You want me to leave?!

Charlie

No, no, no, you just got here! I'll leave! It'll make more room for you and Sir Crapsalot!

Charlie...

[Charlie slams the bathroom door and walks downstairs]

Charlie

Get a good earful?

Berta

No.

Jake

I did, and I don't appreciate being called "Sir Crapsalot".

S6 E22 Sir Lancelot's Litter Box

View quote →

[Alan is in the kitchen with his ventriloquist dummy]

Charlie

Alan?

Yeah?

Charlie

You're starting to scare the crap out of me.

Oh, oh, this? This is, uh, just a new hobby. Uh, Charlie, say hello to Danny O'Day. [as Danny]: Howdy do, Charlie?

Charlie

That's not a hobby. That's a cry for help.

Oh, come on, Charlie, play along. [as Danny]: So, Charlie, how did you sleep last night?

Charlie

With a woman, Alan. Something you need to do before this gets out of hand. [leaves]

Alan [as Danny]: Wow. He's got a stick where I've got your hand.

View quote →

[Chelsea and Charlie are on their way to the movies]

Did you ask if he wants to go to the movies with us?

Charlie

No.

Why not?

Charlie

Because he's a ticking time bomb and we don't wanna be in the car with him when he goes off!

Come on, he's breaking my heart. Staying home all alone on a Friday night.

Charlie

Don't worry. You know how they say you can be alone, but not lonely?

Yeah?

Charlie

Well, Alan's kinda the opposite. He's always lonely, but he's never alone.

He's going through a tough time. Your brother should be surrounded by friends and family.

Charlie

My brother should be surrounded by a SWAT team.

Please. For me?

Charlie

Chelsea, we agreed that you only get one of those a month. Are you sure you wanna waste it on Alan?

View quote →

Charlie

You know, just once I'd like to walk in this room [the kitchen] and not be freaked out.

Alan was just showing me his butt exercises.

Charlie

Have him show you the one where he sticks his head up there. That's my favorite.

View quote →

Oh, Charlie. Your penis is no match for my technology.

[Charlie enters Alan's room]

Charlie

OK, I know what you're doing, now quit it!

What I'm doing? Whatever do you mean?

Charlie

You're text-blocking me.

Hey, I can't help it if Chelsea finds me witty and urbane.

Charlie

Keep it up, and she's gonna find you bloody and homeless.

View quote →

Charlie

Alan?

Yeah?

Charlie

Smack your kid for me.

Should we really risk more brain damage?

Jake

Thanks for sticking up for me, dad.

Oh, hey, you'll never guess who I ran into.

Kobe Bryant?

No.

Lauren Conrad?

No.

Sean "P. Diddy" Combs?

What is wrong with you?

S6 E24 Baseball Was Better With Steroids

View quote →

I can't get over how into this baby you are.

Charlie

It was amazing. The miracle of birth. If Judith hadn't been there it would have been perfect.

So you're not against maybe having one of your own someday?

Charlie

I don't see why not. Turns out, I love babies, and as you know, I'm a longtime fan of intercourse.

Season 7

Please expand this article.

Further information might be found in a section of the talk page or at Requests for expansion.

Please remove this message once the article has been expanded.

S6 E24 Baseball Was Better With Steroids

View quote →

[While Mia is singing incredibly badly in a recording studio, the music operator gives Charlie an incredulous look]

Charlie

I know, its hard to believe I'm not banging her.

OOperator

Then why are we here?

Charlie

She's an old friend and I'm helping her out.

OOperator

You really wanna help her? Sneak up behind her with a big rock.

S7 E1 818-jklpuzo

View quote →

[Reading a self-help book] Okay, name three things you would change about me.

Charlie

Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.

...

Charlie

The way you chew your food, the hair in your ears and your address.

That stopped being funny a week ago.

Charlie

Judges?

Berta

Still funny.

S7 E5 For the Sake of the Child

View quote →

[Charlie and Alan are playing a Word game in which they insult each other with letters of the alphabet]

You are a lush!

Charlie

You are a leech!

You are a misogynist!

Charlie

You are a mistake!

You are a... What are we up to?

Charlie

Thank you. You are a necrophiliac!

Charlie

She was drunk, not dead, I challenge!

Okay, fine. You are a narcissist.

Charlie

Better. You are a nancy-boy.

You are old!

Charlie

You are oddly-shaped.

[Phone rings] Hang on.

Charlie

You are a parasite.

Not your turn. [Answers phone] Hello. Oh, hey, Judith. What's up? What do you mean what happened with Jake? We had a nice weekend. Well, we went driving, to the movies, um, ice cream.

Charlie

Quack, rectal, suckwad!

[To Charlie] I never got my "P".

Charlie

All you do is pee.

[To Judith] What? What? Nothing. Just a little word game. You know, exercise the brain. [To Charlie] Twit!

Charlie

Turd burglar!

[To Judith] Judith, I don't know what Jake's problem is. We had a terrific weekend. Huh. [To Charlie] Jake says he doesn't wanna come here anymore.

Charlie

Really? Why?

I don't know. [To Judith] Did he say why? Charlie and I don't bicker. I mean, no more than any other couple of guys. [To Charlie] Right?

Charlie

Right! Oh, oh, oh! You are a eunuch!

That's E, not U. Learn to spell. Useless! [to Judith] Look, I don't know what to tell you. He's a teenager. He'll get over it. Okay. Okay. Bye-bye. [hangs up] Well, I hope you're happy.

Charlie

I haven't been happy in seven years.

For your information, I will not have been here seven years until next fall.

Charlie

Oh, good to know. Circle the date on the calendar so I'll know when to hang myself.

Ha, ha. Funny. It's because of you, Jake doesn't wanna come here anymore. Great.

Charlie

Tell me what I did so I can do it to you!