Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

So you and her [Melissa] are, uh...

Alan

Oh, no-no, no, nothing's happened yet. Just a little kissing, and... she could feel my... "enthusiasm".

Charlie

What, are you Noël Coward? Just say "boner"!

Charlie

Everything work out at the office?

Alan

Uh-huh.

Charlie

Manage to keep your hands off Really Little Annie Fanny?

Alan

Well, not exactly, but, uh, we did keep it above the waist.

Charlie

Her waist or yours?

Alan

Both. And it wasn't easy. I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure my balls look like two-thirds of the Blue Man Group.

Charlie

Berta, hide the vacuum cleaner!

Alan

For the last time, I use it to get lint off my trousers.

Charlie

Then why do you call it "Brenda"?

Charlie

Listen, buddy, you're gonna have to make yourself scarce. Maybe take a cab home.

Jake

You take a cab home. I'm doing great!

Charlie

How do you figure?

Jake

You blind? First base off the top of my head, second base in my ear...

Charlie

Listen to me, knucklehead, that woman's gotta be ten years older than you.

Jake

So? You're like, fifteen years older than her! Step aside, Grandpa.

Alan

I feel like the universe is playing some horrible practical joke on me.

Charlie

Wow. I lost $8,000 playing poker, I have no idea where my car is, threw up in my mouth three times, and I'm still having a better night than you are.

Alan

I'm gonna have a daughter, Charlie.

Charlie

OK, OK, first of all, you don't know if it's your kid. All we know is that when Judith and Herb broke up, you nailed Judith. Then when they reconciled, Herb nailed Judith. So the only thing we know for sure is that despite all outward appearances, Judith is a slut.

Alan

This is so nice. A private, intimate dinner for just the two of us. Oh, my God, you guys! [he and Melissa enter the room for Alan's birthday party but nobody is there] There's nobody here.

Melissa

I don't understand. I told them to be here an hour ago.

Alan

Yeah, well, what are you gonna do? My family are a bunch of thoughtless, selfish buttwipes. [he turns around to see Charlie, Jake, Evelyn, and Berta standing in the doorway]

Charlie

Surprise.

Chelsea

Who's my best friend? Where do I work? What's my cat's name? What's my favorite movie? What kind of music do I like? What religion was I raised in? And do I have any brothers and sisters?

Charlie

Okay, I'd like to startwith the cat.

Alan

Wanna know her [Chelsea's] cat's name?

Charlie

No.

Alan

It's "Mandu".

Charlie

Mandu?

Alan

Yeah, you know, "Cat Mandu"? It's cute, huh?

Charlie

Why was I thinking "Puss-Puss"?

Alan

Because that's what you're always thinking.

Charlie

And how's your family back in... Davenport, Iowa?

Chelsea

I'm from Champaign, Illinois.

Charlie

You sure?

Chelsea

I'm sure.

Charlie

Bastard set me up!

Alan

Oh, it's horrible. But it's worth it, because you're paying a stranger to watch while your life goes down the toilet. Along with your money and your house and your car and every last SHRED OF YOUR SELF-RESPECT!

Charlie

You know, maybe you're not the right guy to ask.

Alan

Oh, no, no, no, I-- I'm the perfect guy to ask. Wh-- when Judith and I started, we were just a couple with a few problems. When we finished, I CAME TO LIVE ON YOUR COUCH! GOD BLESS COUPLES COUNSELING!

Charlie

The little turd (Jake) called my bluff!

Alan

[Scoffs, then he is hit in the head by Charlie] OW!!

Charlie

So what's it gonna be? A movie, bowling, putt-putt, Nevada cathouse?

Jake

I vote for cathouse.

Alan

Do you even know what a cathouse is?

Jake

Not firsthand. That's why I voted for it!

Alan

A movie would be fine.

Charlie

All right. A movie it is. What's out that's good?

Jake

There's a new pirate movie. It's rated "Arr!" [Alan and Charlie stare at him] You guys have no sense of humor.

Charlie

Hey, Jake...

Jake

You might wanna hang back a sec. I just ripped off an air biscuit.

Chelsea

What?

Jake

I farted. Sorry, I get the fancy words from my dad.

Is everything all right, Mr. Harper?

Charlie

Yeah, terrific. Listen, my date's in the ladies' room, and I need you to do something for me.

Not a problem. I'll have the valet bring your car around to the alley, I'll open the men's restroom window so you can shimmy out, and I'll have a cab standing by to take the lady home along with the customary chocolate soufflé to go.

Hey Charlie, how's it going?

Charlie

Boy you really blew it this time.

Did I now? How so?

Charlie

(sighs) I've fallen in love with Chelsea.

(distracted) Oop my bad

Charlie

Damn right your bad. There were plenty of medications that would have turned me into a happy little potato but would you prescribe them no. You said I had to get in touch with my feelings and express them with the people I care about.

Sorry I must have been drunk.