Dean Venture quotes from The Venture Bros.

Dr. Orpheus

It appears your father was engage in some sort of experiment, but why would he abandon it in such haste?

Hank

He gets bored pretty easy.

Dean

And rarely tidys his work area.

Hank

Hey do you think maybe, now I'm going out on a limb here, they went, down there?

Dr. Orpheus

You... you mean, you didn’t check?

Dean

Are you kidding? That’s like, the basement!

Hank

It’s super spooky down there!

Dr. Orpheus

Oh dear god.

Hank

Why else would we call magic guys to help us look!

Jefferson Twilight

Oh no, no no no! 16 years old!

You guys are sad. Why'd he decide to leave you here in the first place?

Hank

' Something about the conference having hot, desperate women.

Dean

And we had a bad run-in with the hot lava men of Tanga Island, so I can imagine how dangerous their women get when they're desperate!

It’s too bad Col. Gentlemen couldn’t be here to basks in the glory with you. Oh, or did you guys get him killed too?

Dean

Its the ghost of Col. Gentlemen!

Thats for breaking my step-daughter’s heart.

Brock

Hey-hey-hey hey, now!

Don’t you try it Prince Adam, this old panther's still got moves that will make your mullet spin.

Dean

But, you’re suppose to be dead?

Nonsense, I'm a Ox.

Hank

I'm telling you there's like a skunk ape out there or something.

Hank, sit down and pretend to be sane. Dean, what are you doing?

Dean

I can't feel my left arm. How old do you have to be to have a heart attack?

Hank

In regular years, or pansy years?

Dean

Whatever! Why!? Why can't I just have a normal life?

I had that dream once too.

Dean

The doggie made a poo-poo.

Great! Some fucking master race!

[Laughs evilly] Time to pay the piper, Venture. Or in minutes my meca-pillar silky issue will destroy the only living proof you've actually had sex. That is, unless you give me $10 million!

What?! Since when do you arch for money?

Yeah, what are you doing?

Honey, how long have we been trying to kill this schmuck, 10, 20 years?

I don’t know, since Marky Mark had a Funky Bunch!

And it never works. You wanna know how to really hurt Venture?

Not really, but as a wife I try to be supportive, so.

We strike him in the pocket book. Ha-ha.

Yeah, speaking of which, how much did those meca-pillars set us back?

I dunno, a couple of mil. Anyway, it’s $10 million Venture. Tick-tock tick-tock.

Look I don’t have that type of cash lying around.

Dean

Daddy! [Meca-pillar gags him]

All right, you can have anything in my lab. Anything you see here, take your pick. Anything except for the positronic accelerator...

I don’t want any of your old crap. This isn't "Antiques Roadshow," dick. Its your money or their lives!

Hank

Yeah, quit being such a skin-flint and pay the piper-man.

Now don’t take sides with your arch-enemy!

Hank

Shut up, you're not the dad of me.

Hank! Don’t you sass your bodyguard.

Hank

He’s not my bodyguard.

Will you accept half for just Dean? You can keep Hank.

Your father doesn’t mean that Hank.

Oh don’t I? Do you know what Mr. Smart-Mouth called me as he stormed out this morning? A "honky!"

[Chuckle] Did you really?

Hank

Yeah.

I’m transmitting you the instruction for the drop-off now, I suggest you follow them. Or your boys will follow the rainbow bridge to Valhalla. [Laughs] That is not as dark as its sounds in my head, is it?

Dean

Can I pet your pussy?

Triana Orpheus

[holding a cat] There is no irony in that, is there?

Dean

[patting the cat] No, it's soft. [The cat screeches and runs away] Your pussy hates me.

Do you dig this Tracy girl or what?

Dean

Well, she seems nice, and her hair is really pretty.

Well, talk to her, then. You don't have to nail her. Just see what happens. Man, way to be uptight.

Hank

Wait, did you just give good advice?

Dean

I gotta go check the temperature in Hell.

You can both blow me.

Dean

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I think we should see other people. Long distance relationships can be rough.

Triana Orpheus

You are so wise, Dean. I'm gonna miss you.

Dean

Or maybe we could try a long distance relationship!

Triana Orpheus

There are too many girls waiting in line. I can't hog you all to myself.

Dean

True.

Don't you have one of them fancy machines that can just look inside him, you know, like...with computers?

You mean an MRI.

Oh.

But he's right. We need to see inside Rusty's brain, and to do that, you know what we need?

Hank

An aeronaut! And an armored bear!

A submarine!

Hank

Also good.

Dean

We've got one—the X-3

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What are you— oh, geez! No! Come on, not that old cliche.

Cliche nothing! It is a classic!

Innerspace is not a classic!

That's, like, a great film!

Then why don't they make it on DVD, huh, fella?

They totally do. And, whatever—I was talking about Fantastic Voyage anyway!

No way! A thousand times no! I’m not letting those clowns shrink my 40 million dollar secretly funded nuclear submarine to go fight the fucking cavity creeps!

Hank

Then when our dad dies, are you guys prepare to adopt us?

No, but I'm considering a extremely late-term abortion! Samson! What part of secret underground headquarters does that square-head of yours fail to grasp?!

Brock

Look, they live next door, what am I supposed to do?

Wipe their pink little minds and send them back home, like I told you!

Brock

They discover us every other week. I can’t keep doing that, its starting to make them buggy. Listen to this. Dean, what day is today?

Dean

Sagittarius

Brock

Goooooood! Now Hank, what color is my tongue?

Hank

It’s kind of... Wednesday! Like a light Wednesday.

Hank

Oh yeah! I'm jealous that I don't get to go to New York dressed as the Jamaican flag to work for no pay.

Dean

It's an internship, Hank. They pay you with experience and an impressive resume.

Shh, I understand; you can't talk. You need help, just blink twice if he's your pimp.

Dean

No, what? No, he's my dad.

Dr. Orpheus

[grabbing Dean and Hank's hands] I am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me! [Nothing happens] Please?

Brock

Yeah, I'm not sure you had the right...key?

Dr. Orpheus

I am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me! [Still nothing] Nope. Maybe I should...

Wait. Okay, try it with his old headshot, all the awards, the signed picture of Loni Anderson, all the money, the newspaper clippings, the shoebox of old love letters, but without the Rush cassette.

Brock

[removing the tape] Oh, here's your problem—it's a "best of."

And there's one more thing we haven't tried, [indicating Dean] and it's nothing personal, but...

Dean

[dejectedly stepping aside] I get it.

Dr. Orpheus

Okay, one more time. I am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me!

Brock

I'm sure it was the Rush cassette, Dean.

Dean

What does she see in him?

Who, her dad!

Dean

No, that Raven kid. Her boyfriend.

Hank

Oh, lets see now. He’s super handsome, I can say that, he’s got cool hair, cool clothes, and worse of all, he’s a cyborg.

Dean

No, I asked, she said that they’re just crutches.

Hank

Oh, even worse, that means he’s a cripster, dude. He’s rocking a hipster angle and a sympathy angle all-in-one. There’s no way you can compete with that.