Dean Venture quotes from The Venture Bros.

Hank

Eww!

Hank

Dude, what the dilly?!

Dean

Did it work? What happened?

Hank

Honest Abe's a 'mo, that's what happened.

Sorry! Sorry. I don't know what came over me. It was just a bit overwhelming to have a body again. All those hormones. Whoo! (Stands up.) Right. Just let me try this again. I'm ready for it this time. (Begins to step into Dean.) Who's Triana, by the way?

Dean

Ah! Just get in!

Hank

And no funny business!

Yes already! Like you boys never experimented.

Hank

Dean!

What are you trying to do there, Dean?

Hank

We're helping our new ghost pal!

Heh! Now ain't that somethin'? I wish my boy had that kinda creativity!

Dean

Col. Manstrong is going to assassinate the president!

Hank

It's not really his fault though. His mom's controlling him!

Don't give me that psycho-babble, son! After a certain age, a man needs to take responsibility for his own actions!

Dean

Um... Okay.

Sure, maybe if I hugged my thick-headed son more he wouldn't have started them fires or stolen all that lacrosse equipment, but dammit! Sometimes they're just bad apples!!

(knocks over a tiny statue of himself) Damnation! Forcefield, I didn't see that one coming! Sorry, Dean. Okay, okay! New plan...

Hank

(points at statue) Well, you just KO'd Uncle Sam! Why can't you just do that to an astronaut and his mom?

That's not Uncle Sam, it's me! Wouldn't lay a glove on it if it weren't. I can only move things in the material world that bear my image. Wait! That penny in your pocket, Dean! I was able to get that through the forcefield! That's it!

Hank

We build a gun made out of pennies!

Exactly! Wait, no, that's insane! But I have another idea! Boys, I need five dollar bills. Scores of them, 10 score at least!

Dean

How are we gonna find that many.

Hank

How, how. What are you, an owl? He can make it with his magic!

For the last time, Hank, I'm a ghost, not a genie. You two must find a way!

Hank

Wait, does it matter if it's the new fives or the old ones.

I... prefer the new ones? But, whatever! Go! Go!!

Dean

(to the Ghost of Abraham Lincoln) You're still here. Shouldn't you have crossed over?

Apparently stopping my bodyguard from beating up a repressed masturbator just isn't enough to get you into Heaven these days. Go figure.

You're one to judge, Rusty... I seem to remember a certain fast-handed little red-head, sleeping in the Lincoln bedroom, score and a half years back?

All right...

(sing-song) Not that you did much sleeping.

(covers ears) Okay!

Hank

So is she or isn't she?

Brock

OK, Hank, look! She used to be Power Cat on American Gladiators. Show gets tanked, she checks herself into the nuthouse. Every couple of years, she puts on the old costume, kidnaps you, or tries to kill your dad or burns down the compound. Depends on what meds she's coming off of.

Dean

How come we don't remember her then?

Brock

Look. You don't remember because you're cl--

Hank

I can't help feeling like we're not getting the whole story.

Dean

Right! Maybe she was telling the truth.

All right! So I fucked her! What of it?

Dean

Why do we have to eat breakfast with your dead guy?

Venturestein's been through a lot, Dean.

Hank

Venturestein!

You like that?

Hank

Sure do, Pop!

Good boy, Hank. Dean, right now Hank is better than you.

Hank

Hey Pop, why's the top of that guy's head black?

Not black, Hank! African American. The top of that guy's head is African American.

Dean

Dad, why's the top of this guy's head African American?

Because Brock caved in his original cranium and I had to use whatever fits.

Dean Venture

Are the walls titanium or made of secret rocket ship metal?

What? Who ca-.. Uh.. I know they're wicked easy to stain...

Dean

(trying to impress 24 with his knowledge) Hm. We can rule out any chromium-based metals. Those clean nicely with a damp cloth!

(exasperated) All right. I'll... "rule that out."

So uh... You, uh, like being a uh...

Dean

..A Dean?

Yeah. A Dean. That must kind of uh... suck...

Behold! The Ring of Power!! Eons have been waiting for he who can wear the magic and not melt or burst into flames or something...

Dean

Giant Boy Detective! You're real!! Are we gonna solve a mystery?

No, young'un. We are going to save the kingdom and restore Princess Tinglepants to the throne, then peace shall reign for eternity!

Dean

(unenthusiastic) Oh.. Okay...

...And solve a super cool mystery?

Dean

(enthusiastic) Yay!! You're a short giant. Aren't you like 30 feet tall in the books?

Oh, if you think I'm a disappointment, you should see Clifford. He's, like, the size of one of those little dogs rich ladies drag around. Plus, he's more pink than red. Anyways, the Magic Flashlight shall lead the way!! (flashlight burns out) Stupid fucking enchanted batteries...

Giant Boy Detective, show me this mighty warrior you speak of!

Okay, but don't be judgmental. You have to keep an open mind!

I always do!

You're kidding, right?

You're the one whose always judgmental.

A-Are you insane?! You're always, like, "Hey fella, you might wanna roll up the windows in this neighborhood!"

Am I doing it now?

Well, no but...

Then show me the friggin' warrior already! (Giant Boy Detective reveals Dean) What, behind the little kid?

See, you always do this!

What? I'm not being judgmental, I'm making a judgment. There's a huge difference.

Oh, this is just stupid! You bother the Great White Oracle for this?! That shivering child? Clearly he's incompetent and I bet he's a sissy!

Yeah, or a crybaby. (taunting) Is this true? Is baby gonna cry? Like a witlle baby cwy, huh?

Dean

(fighting back tears) I am not a crybaby!

Eh, don't kid yourself there. You're bit of a pussy. No offense.

Dean

I can do this! I am the chosen one! I have the Ring of Power! (Ring falls off his finger onto the floor)

The princess is completely screwed...

Dean

There's a princess?

Oh, sure! And she is a looker!

Oh, please! She dresses like a whore!

No! Not the ring of power! It's the only thing that can steal my black heart.

Dean Venture

Eat it!

Ow-eeee that fucking hurts! Ow! Right down to the thorax, Dick! But it missed my Black heart.

Dean Venture

Die!

Ow, dude stop already, you're not even aiming for my black heart!

Dean Venture

I vanquish you!

Come on, those are reproductive organs! Will you take the fucking hint and stab me in the heart already?!

Dean Venture

I got it! Your evil black heart is where your power comes from!

Oh no, you have learned my terrible secret!

Dr. Orpheus

Don’t panic, Dean is safe. Safe in the magic hands of the Order of the... [Orpheus trips on Phantom Limb limb’s then drops Dean]

Dean

Ow, hey pop!

Dean was missing, nice job Brock.

The Alchemist

Peoples, somebody here lose an invisible...

The Alchemist

Oh... Oh, I'm keeping this.

Hey! How ya feelin'?

Like a dwarf stuck a knife in me. How do you think I feel? Didja bring my.... magazines...?

No, but I brought something way better! I got somebody here who came to cheer you up!

(excited) He remembered??

Dean Venture

Hey there, glum chum!

(struggling not to laugh) Well, I'll leave you two to catch up!

Dean Venture

Good idea! This area is officially quarantined. Because smiles are contagious!

(tersely, to #21) I HATE you...

Dean

Hank, are you listening to me?

Hank

Actually, uh, can you keep it down? I'm trying to write a song for the girls.

Dean

Would you get with the program? We've got a mystery to solve!

Hank

Well then we should team up. With the girls!

Dean

We can't! They're ... they're suspects.

Hank

Then solve it tomorrow or something. Man, what's your hurry?

Dean

What's your slowy?! You've gone soft on me, Henry Allen So-Called-Venture! You used to be all 'Go Team Venture!' but now ... now you're all 'Go Team ... b- Boobies!'

Dean

Dr. Quymn is the wereodile!

She's- oh my god! I almost fucked a wereodile!

Dean

We have to stop her transformation before she kills us all! (he picks up a chair and begins to hit Dr. Quymn with it over and over)

Dean

The power of Christ compels you! (Ginnie springs into action and pushes Dean away)

Stop it you little asshole! She's not a wereodile, she's an epileptic.

Ew!