Triana Orpheus quotes from The Venture Bros.

Triana Orpheus

So how come I never see you at school?

Dean

(with a hint of fear) I'm kind of home tutored in a box my pop made, (looks down with a more frightened tone) it sometimes gets very hot in the box... my pop made.

Triana

Wow. That's, um... that's screwy. (notices his face, which has gone blank) Crap, did I upset you?

Dean

(blankly) Penguins have a gland above their eyes that converts seawater to freshwater.

Dean

Is your name Pumpkin?

Triana

No, it's Triana. Doesn't your dad have a nickname for you?

Dean

Well, I've heard him call me 'Dave' or 'Don' a few times, but I don't think they're nicknames.

Triana

Who's that big guy who's always washing his car in front of your place?

Dean

Oh, that's Brock. He's my dad's bodyguard. One time I saw him kill a guy with a sock full of party snaps!

Triana

(facetiously) Did the guy's head get blown off?

Dean

(proudly) Yes it did.

Pumpkin, get me my cloak!

Triana Orpheus

Why don't you wear the ...

Alright fine. GET ME MY BLUE WINDBREAKER!

Triana

...What're you doing?

I like digging. Can't a man leave his home with a shovel without an inquisition?

Triana Orpheus

Hey, Dean.

Dean

Triana! Thank god!

(sarcastically) Nice bod.

Dean

Thanks, I've been working out... a lot.

Triana

Hey, we came over to use the pool, is that cool?

Dean

No, it's not cool. Nothing is cool.

Triana

You seem a little weird, are you guys ok?

Dean

(whispering) She's killing us.

Triana Orpheus

(entering her room, where Orpheus is opening her closet door to reveal a supernatural portal) I knew it!

(flustered) Pumpkin! What are you doing in... your room? Shouldn't you be... not in your room?

Triana

My whole life I've been afraid of that closet! There's always these weird lights and something that smells like a burning Band-aid.

Brimstone. Okay fine, porthole to the burning nowhere, you got me.

Triana

Dad! I thought I was going crazy! I mean, I'm still afraid of the closet! Still! I wear the same thing every day because of that closet!

Well, how was I to know?! Come now, Archie and his indolent companion Jughead wear the same clothes every day. I thought it was an adolescent phase of yours.

Triana

Great. My closet is the door to hell.

The Necropolis. A porthole to the Necropolis. It had to be on the south side of the apartment, and since you had to have a private bathroom... oh, this is never... (he seizes her head) SLEEP!!

I have been attempting to stave off this awkward, yet necessary conversation.

Triana

Please. Dad.

This is my duty!

What is funny about my duty? You know I take my duty quite seriously.

Triana

You said... [laughs] Never mind.

I share your nervousness, but there are certain facts that a father must impart to his daughter on occasions such as this- Oh yes, 'doody', clever.

Triana

Daaad.

Hear me out! [clears throat] When young women reach estrus, the, uhh, lignum, ummm, craves theeee stamen-like skills of the yonie. This is quite natural.

Triana

Dad. Come on. I'm doing you a favor.

Yes, yes, Mr. Venture has been kind enough to give me some leeway with the rent if I get the boys, as he says, 'out of his hair' for the evening. But as you know, tonight I teach conjuring at the new school.

Triana

It's not a problem. Kim and I could use a free dinner.

It's just that boys at their age have unchecked desires coursing, nay raging as a tempest would! Through their tingling nethers!

Triana

Come on, Dad. I'm going on a date with... the Venture brothers.

So, are the Venture Brothers cute?

Triana Orpheus

Well, Dean...he's kinda cute. He dresses like Buddy Holly.

That's pretty cool.

Triana Orpheus

Yeah, but I think he does it accidentally.

What about my date?

Triana Orpheus

Hank? Well, he's blonde and more...like, athletic.

Sounds good. How does he dress?

Triana Orpheus

Like Fred from Scooby-Doo.

Can I ask you a question?

Dr. Girlfriend

(sighs) Yes, I belong in here; I just have a deep voice.

Okay. Can I ask you another one?

Dr. Girlfriend

Yeah, sure.

What color lipstick is that?

Dr. Girlfriend

"Pink Poodle". It's a MAC color. They give a Guild discount. You're in the Guild. Aren't you?

I don't know what the Guild means.

Dr. Girlfriend

Tell me about it. I don't know anymore myself. So, do you work, uh, single, number 2 a man?

Um, I don't really have a guy.

Dr. Girlfriend

Well, let me give you my card, I like your look. Yeah, I've had it up to here with men and I think we'd make a nice team. Call me.

Did you see that? That woman just totally hit on me.

Triana Orpheus

She wasn't hitting on you. Read the card.

Oh my god! I knew it. She's a supervillian, that is so cool! She thought I was a bad guy, I am so gonna to do this.

I'm gonna be a supervillain.

Hank

Yeah, I'm gonna be Batman!

Go Team Venture! (They do hand signal in the air)

Triana Orpheus

Dude, I warned you.

I think I just found my first archenemies.

Triana

Ooohhh, Hank! What is wrong with you?

Dean

Right? It smells like a bible story in here.

Triana

Did my grandpa teach you to crap?

Dean

Can I pet your pussy?

Triana Orpheus

[holding a cat] There is no irony in that, is there?

Dean

[patting the cat] No, it's soft. [The cat screeches and runs away] Your pussy hates me.

Dean

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I think we should see other people. Long distance relationships can be rough.

Triana Orpheus

You are so wise, Dean. I'm gonna miss you.

Dean

Or maybe we could try a long distance relationship!

Triana Orpheus

There are too many girls waiting in line. I can't hog you all to myself.

Dean

True.

The Master

[as Future Dean] OK , listen: I’m the Master. I’m like your dad’s omnicient boss, so let me give you some advice. Get on with your life. You think anyone can just walk into to your closet and see me?

Triana Orpheus

Never would of thought of that!

The Master

[as Future Dean] It’s a regular closet to anyone without The Gift. I mean, you can start your training now, and seriously, you can make better money with this stuff than you can as the manager of The Gap.

Triana Orpheus

Yeah, my dad kinda wants me to go to art school.

The Master

[as Future Dean] Yeah, and get the world’s most useless diploma! Forget your dad, he’s just trying to save you from his life, not yours. Triana Orpheus, you should go live with your mother and begin your training to be a sorceress. It's your destiny! And it's way cheaper than art school!