Can I pet your pussy?
[holding a cat] There is no irony in that, is there?
[patting the cat] No, it's soft. [The cat screeches and runs away] Your pussy hates me.
“The Better Man” · Season 4
In this episode: The Alchemist (7), Doctor Byron Orpheus (5), Jefferson Twilight (5), Dean Venture (3), Triana Orpheus (3), Hank Venture (2), Master Billy Quizboy (2), The Master (2)
Tatyana, what are you doing here?
[as Tatyana] I was just sitting here thinking how glad I am that I left you for the OutRider, and how he does that thing you used to do with your mouth, but better because he can hold his breath longer.
Oh... it is you. My Master.
[as Tatyana] Duh, Orpheus. Now what’s all this cry-baby crap about. Aren’t you used to the OutRider making you look like a shnooke by now?
He came out of a portal to the second-world. I have been training my whole life just to perceive that there is a second-world, and he can move between them. Tell me Master how can this be?
[as Tatyana] The love of a good woman can do wonders, Orpheus. I mean look at me, [Puts hands on breasts] and these are natural C cups. Aren’t they beautiful? I mean, you could bounce a penis off these!
I doubt my ex-wife's breasts are the answer.
[as Tatyana] It doesn’t stop there; I’m sitting on what is easily the ass of a teenager. What does she do pilates or something? You can rest a coffee mug on it.
Really, she’s almost forty by now!
[as Tatyana] Well, you tell it to the heinie Orpheus, because it still thinks it's 1992.
Do you dig this Tracy girl or what?
Well, she seems nice, and her hair is really pretty.
Well, talk to her, then. You don't have to nail her. Just see what happens. Man, way to be uptight.
Wait, did you just give good advice?
I gotta go check the temperature in Hell.
You can both blow me.
We must draw him out. Draw him from Hell with Hell. Quickly! What is the worst thing that's ever happened to you? (Points at Jefferson Twilight.)
Um...I saw my mom raped by blackulas. I was 10. She called my name. I just stood there.
Um, wow. Wait, I can hear him. More ugliness?
Once I saw two homeless guys giving each other oral sex.
Yes, he's closer! More like that.
Okay, this is really gross. Once I was out of toilet paper, so I used cotton balls. So, you know, I'm wiping, and I think my finger kinda poked through the cotton. So I—and do not ask me why—I smell my finger to check.
Gross. I see where this is going.
Quickly, Al, he's so close!
Okay, I bring it up to smell it, right. But somehow the cotton got stuck to my fingers, so when I smell my fingers, the cotton's getting stuck to my razor stubble. So then I have this shit-cotton all over my face!
I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I think we should see other people. Long distance relationships can be rough.
You are so wise, Dean. I'm gonna miss you.
[She kisses him]
Or maybe we could try a long distance relationship!
There are too many girls waiting in line. I can't hog you all to myself.
True.
How did it go?
What are you doing in here?
Did he mention me? The Master in your daughter’s closet that may not exist!
No he didn’t mention you. And it went like it always does, he tore away at my heart until he kicked me out.
Hey, can I ask you something? You’re gay, right?
Yeah!
What’s it looked like? I mean, is it real or is it all Frankenstein?
Hank!
Your dingus. Does it look real?
What is kid-crazy talking about?
He thinks you're transgender.
Hank, it looks real because it is real. I’m gay. It doesn’t mean I was born a woman. I have a regular dingus, as you say.
Hank, aren’t you just a little ashamed of your ignorance?
Like just a little?
Yeah, constantly.
Torrid's a dick. Who does that? Who opens up hell, honestly?
If Torrid gets the portal open we’re done for. Once the second-world comes through, we haven’t the power to stop them.
I gotta be honest, I’m scared. I’m like a 9 scared. 9.3 maybe.
We should all be at 10. There isn’t a sorcerer alive who has the ability to fight the denizen of the second-world. I’m a 10.
If Orpheus is going Bo Derek then I'm pushing it up to 8.
I admire your bravery. Now are you ready to wage our final battle?
What? Hell no. I have one more thing to try. [Yells at Torrid] Stop being a pud. Knock it off you dimbat. Nobody wants you to open a door to hell.
[ Cthulhu comes out of the portal and reaches for Torrid]
TTorrid
No, no. I command thee!
[It grabs Torrid and throws him inside the portal]
Something just came out of the vortex and killed Torrid. So, that happen.
The time is now. Triad join me. I am Dr. Orpheus, master of mysticism.
I’m a...
I don’t wanna do that introducing ourselves bit, it’s goofy. Lets not die being goofy.
I’m with Al. Maybe we can sing a Stevie Wonder song together!
Yeah, that’s not much better.
[Billy just finished operating on the OutRider’s head]
It's out! I did it. So, am I part of the Triad?
Triad implies three. So...
All right. Then you guys have to pay my rather steep fee.
Welcome to the Mystical Order of the Triad, Special Brother Billy!
[as Future Dean] OK , listen: I’m the Master. I’m like your dad’s omnicient boss, so let me give you some advice. Get on with your life. You think anyone can just walk into to your closet and see me?
Never would of thought of that!
[as Future Dean] It’s a regular closet to anyone without The Gift. I mean, you can start your training now, and seriously, you can make better money with this stuff than you can as the manager of The Gap.
Yeah, my dad kinda wants me to go to art school.
[as Future Dean] Yeah, and get the world’s most useless diploma! Forget your dad, he’s just trying to save you from his life, not yours. Triana Orpheus, you should go live with your mother and begin your training to be a sorceress. It's your destiny! And it's way cheaper than art school!
Triad! Be unseen!
Was something supposed to happen? Are we invisible now, or something?
No, I meant that we should hide. Just like behind something.
Well be specific next time.
Score?
85%.
Get out! Where did I blow?
Well, for one, you killed Matthew Lasko.
That was... well, he was wearing punctuation on his suit. That's a total bad-guy suit!
He helps people get free money from the government. That is a good guy. It's reflected in your score.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Venture Bros. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.