Shore Leave quotes from The Venture Bros.

Oh, and Hunter, Wayland Flowers called, and he wants his Madam back. BOOM!

Yeah? Well, the Village People called, AND THEY WANT YOU TO GO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF, YOU PRANCING BASTARD!

Damn it Shore Leave, you’ve ruined another outfit. Think Betsy Ross works here? I’m the one who has to sew this back together, you clown.

What are you laughing at, Mr. Blood stains on everything?

Brock

You know that he rips those himself. He just tears it off like a Chippendales firemen, every time.

Good god, why?

For one, because it looks super-cool.

You’re an infant.

I’m not gonna fight him, they can’t make me fight him.

White you are such a sissy.

I’m a sissy. You're calling me a sissy.

Oh yeah, I get it. I’m out and proud and I’m the sissy. I’m brave enough to be who I am in the face of assholes like you, and I’m the sissy. Maybe when you come outta the closet you can walk a mile in my jimmy Choos.

What?! I am so not gay.

With that pink shirt and that oh-so-sad dye job.

I’m a albino, and this is my lucky shirt. It was red when I bought it.

I hope I fight you next. You BIG sissy.

Brock

Let’s go Shore Leave, boys night out. You coming?

Boys night out, I wish. You guys are gonna go to that strip club again.

You make that wholesome place sound dirty, you bastard. Are you coming or not?

Hmm, ahh... I’m feeling kind of, kind of gay. Wait... no. No it’s definitely... I’m definitely still gay.

Dr. Orpheus

[grabbing Dean and Hank's hands] I am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me! [Nothing happens] Please?

Brock

Yeah, I'm not sure you had the right...key?

Dr. Orpheus

I am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me! [Still nothing] Nope. Maybe I should...

Wait. Okay, try it with his old headshot, all the awards, the signed picture of Loni Anderson, all the money, the newspaper clippings, the shoebox of old love letters, but without the Rush cassette.

Brock

[removing the tape] Oh, here's your problem—it's a "best of."

And there's one more thing we haven't tried, [indicating Dean] and it's nothing personal, but...

Dean

[dejectedly stepping aside] I get it.

Dr. Orpheus

Okay, one more time. I am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me!

Brock

I'm sure it was the Rush cassette, Dean.

I have a check here for $50,000 for whoever helps me rescue Billy from vampires.

Brock

We're not mercenaries, White. We handle the guys that nobody else wants to deal with.

Well, that's perfect, because nobody else wants to deal with me.

Brock

Yeah, you're not getting it. Hunter, why don't you explain what we do here at SPHINX.

SPHINX!

It works like this—if someone points a gun at you, you call the police. If a bunch of guys are pointing guns at you, you call SWAT. If they're in spandex and pointing a super laser at you, you call OSI. And if they're dressed regular and pointing a super laser at your daughter, that's when you call SPHINX.

SPHINX!

So explain to me why we'd give a squirt about your roomie being abducted by vampires.

We're talking about Billy here! You guys owe him. You did the...you know.

Spit it out, White! This is SPHINX!

SPHINX.

We have no secrets here. When men live and work together, it's imperative that there are no secrets. I miss my breasts! Inside of me, there's a woman screaming to be heard.

I hit a dog with my car last week, but told the owner I found him like that.

Brock

I once jerked off twelve times in one day just to see if I could.

I had an erotic dream about Henry Rollins last night, and I'm straight as an arrow.

Remember that smell I told you was the garbage? That was my ass. I had chicken tandoori for lunch.

[regarding the ship] What do you call her?

I call her Manny's Song.

Brock

Who's Manny?

Me first love. She left me for a bloke named Craig, who just slept with her and tossed her away. Haven't seen her since then. I heard she was with some go-nowhere mechanic named Jay.

Brock

Sad. Does she know how you feel?

Um, no, she doesn't because that's all from a TV show. Captain Cuckoo here named his boat after Manny Santos on Degrassi.

You're a liar!

I can't believe they killed J.T.

I know! And they hardly talk about it, like after Terri bashed her skull on that rock.

Yeah, I'm the liar, me.

Whoa! Wait, you guys are the ones who kidnapped Monstroso?

SPHINX!

Aw, the Guild index is lit up over that guy. I can't believe you're holding him here.

Maybe we are, and maybe we're not.

Being clever?

No, tough guy, we're running a Monstroso shell game and we're not sure where the red queen is.

Decoys? Aw, man, we never do cool crap like that with the Monarch crew!

Uh, because you guys suck.

[nuzzling an escort] How about I take you to my boudoir and give you a little Rusty Venture?

Alchemist

Whoa! Denied! What was that about?

Boom! Right out of the gate, you ask for a Rusty Venture. That is bold, my friend. Kudos!

What? I had chilled bubbly in my room.

Alchemist

Rust, you do realize that a "rusty venture" is when you take your finger and run it around a guy's asshole while you pull the guy off into his own face.

What?! My name is a sex act?! When did that happen?!

Uh, like, in the 80s, and Al is way off. A rusty venture is when you 69 and fill each other's mouths with cum; then you turn over and blow splooge into each other's cracks.

Good lord! How can that be named after me?! What does that have to do with me?

Oh, don't play coy. Your cartoon was huge in the gay community. We used to throw Rusty Venture parties in the Castro, and we'd all wear little striped tops and tight little shorts.

Alchemist

How could you not know this? Man, you're like a little twinkie Cher. A ginger friggin' Liza Minnelli.

No. I missed this. I don't 69 guys and do that spinning thing.

Alchemist

That's not a Rusty Venture. That's a Snake Venom.

You are misinformed, my darling. [Pulls out cell phone] You want to settle this, maybe make a little wager?

Alchemist

Fine. I'll bet you a Rusty Venture I'm right.

Stop it!

You are on. I'm going to call an authority on both subjects.

[answering his phone while doing a model of the USS Indianapolis on his dog's back] Hello? Oh, sure. I am the one who started that craze in P-Town with Tennessee Williams. It's brilliant. What you do is you take a scuba snorkel and you put your cock in the wee bendy mouth part. Then you snake the other end right up your back address, okay? Then you just grab the middle of the snorkel and you're fuckin' your own ass and pulling off your crank at the self-same time, until you're standin' in your own jacksie! That's a Rusty Venture! [His dog runs off] Mischa! Mischa! Bad girl!

[hanging up] Useless. That was Colonel Gentleman.

Alchemist

And?

And the out-of-touch old windbag just described a Double Frog Man.

Alchemist

Ugh! Give me your phone.

[on other end] You? I told you, when your arch is terminated by a third party, it's not our problem! A what? Well, of course I do! It's when you fist a guy and then open up your hand inside his ass and grab—no, he's laying down. Then whatever you come out with, you rub on his dick.

Wrong! The Rusty Venture is a straight move. Okay, it's when you take a girl out for a huge dinner, but you don't let her go to the can. Then you have anal sex with her and she craps all over your dick; so right when you're about to get off, you take it out and blow shit cum all over her back.

That's a Rusty Venture?

No, that's the Rusty part; the Venture part is when you eat that junk off her back without using your hands.

Are you getting this?

Alchemist

Yeah, I heard it. and you're both wrong. To settle a bet. Yes, with Shore Leave.

Okay...I wasn't prepared for this, but...freeze! This is SPHINX!

Brock

(from under his costume) Gary!? What are you doing, you idiot?

(removing his mask) I swear I'm going to reach down your throat, rip out your heart and eat it!

Shore Leave? You're part of Long Division?

Yeah, that's it. Brilliant conclusion...

Brock

We're undercover, moron. We were undercover...

We've been wearing these smelly-ass sweat-soaked masks for a week for nothing.

Brock

Nice move, Chubs. The kid's dead. So's Tom.

You killed an eight-year-old boy with the corpse of the only person who knew where Long Division's secret base was. Argh! That's so raven!

Brock

Gary, you better shoot me or somethin', 'cause I'm about to kill you.

I was being a good guy! And you left me S.P.H.I.N.X! What did you expect me to do?

Honestly, use the hot tub a couple of times. Not run around like a lone wolf fighting crime. That WE are already fighting!

Brock

(taking a crossbow away from Gary) This my crossbow?

Aw, c'mon! It makes me feel like a wookie.

Brock

No. This is my crossbow.