Scenes with Malcolm Tucker 155
[Hugh is still talking to Angela.]
No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...[Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl'] Just mucking about...Um...
I have always maintained very clearly...
Malcolm[opening the door] Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment?
Sure. Sorry, be right back with you.
[Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...]
Malcolm
[to Hugh] They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!
[While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the "Goldfish Bowl." She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies]
Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee?
Um, would you like some tea?
Do let me know if you need anything else.
I will. Thanks very much.
Malcolm
[to Hugh] GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP!
[Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.]
Malcolm
[to Glenn] You haven't been accepting any offers?
Malcolm
Jesus...
Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, "Fuck off, he's selling it!" They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town!
Malcolm
[to Ollie] What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh?
Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea.
Malcolm
Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you?
It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you.
Malcolm
Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet –
If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months –
Malcolm
Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I?
Malcolm
That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department.
[Malcolm's cell phone rings...]
Malcolm
[looking at his phone] Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. [answering] Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. [Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.]
[Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.]
What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview.
[to Hugh] What on Earth did you say to her?
I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so.
[to Hugh] You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go...
Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any.
What did you say about the offers?
[stammering] I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers.
Did you mention me by name?
[still stammering] Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes.
[displeased] Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch!
[Terri enters the office.]
OK, so what's the line on this then?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this?
[to Hugh, still upset] I don't know! Don't look at me!
But we need to have a line on this.
[Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.]
Malcolm
OK, we've got movement, we got a break.
Malcolm
The flat's sold.
Malcolm
To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright.
Malcolm
Yeah?
Malcolm
What?
All the papers have got a hold of it. The Express has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more.
Malcolm
[stunned] Jesus...
Malcolm
We've got to stall.
This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody!
[on her cell phone] Yeah, they're calling the scandal "Flatgate."
Malcolm
[whispering to Terri] Flatgate?!
Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal.
They should call it "Notting Hill Gate-gate."
Can we at least stop calling it a scandal?
Malcolm
[to Terri, unamused] Are you joking? Are you joking now?
[leaving the office] On my way to stall.
Malcolm
Yeah, get stalling.
[A moment of silence...and then...]
Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.
That is an option, isn't it?
[The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about "Flatgate."]
Malcolm
It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake?
It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks.
Malcolm
Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is burying the whole thing!
Well, what do you want me to do? Resign? [Malcolm stares at him] No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this.
Malcolm
The way out of this situation is for you to –
This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? "Minister is disgusting defecation outburst". Mollie Sugden at Number 10: "Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?" They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick!
Malcolm
It is possible to have a good resignation, you know!
"A good resignation"?! Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell this to me!
Malcolm
Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying "Oh, that fucker's got to go", you surprise them! "Blimey, he's gone! I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!" How about that, huh?! What a way to go, yeah?!
(Malcolm and his second-in-command, Jamie, are having a good, lively talk while walking to Malcolm's office.)
Malcolm
Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you?
Have you seen the whips' numbers?
Malcolm
NoMFuP.
Malcolm
NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that?
Malcolm
I think I'll use that quite a lot today.
(Malcolm spots a journalist he's very happy with for doing a good profile on a government Minister.)
Malcolm
(to the journalist) OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it.
(Malcolm and Jamie continue their conversation.)
What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. (Both men enter Malcolm's office.) They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses.
Malcolm
Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah?
Malcolm
And how's the Minister?
He's shitting himself. (laughs) He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was "in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting."
Malcolm
Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend.
(Malcolm's loyal personal assistant, Sam, enters the office. She has some papers for Malcolm to look over and sign.)
Malcolm
(to Sam) Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible?
(Sam readily agrees.)
Malcolm
Thank you. Try not to drip in it.
(After Sam leaves the office, Malcolm continues his chat with Jamie.)
Malcolm
(to Jamie) I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy?
I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter?
Malcolm
No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle.
Malcolm
I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron.
(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)
Malcolm
SAM!
(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)
Malcolm
Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. (Malcolm then sees Ollie.) What the fuck are you doing here?
I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say...
Malcolm
I mean what are you doing there? Come on!
All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your –
Malcolm
Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up.
Malcolm
(to Geoff Holhurst) How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and what fucking FLAVOUR is it?
(on the phone to Emma) Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! (beat) Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system.
GHGeoff Holhurst
(to Malcolm) Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1.
(on the phone to Emma) Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night?
Malcolm
(to Geoff) You're worse than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures.
(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)
(to Christian Holhurst) Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him.
(Ollie's cell phone rings...)
(answering his phone) Ollie Reeder? (beat) Um -- Sorry, who is this?
CHChristian Holhurst
(to Jamie and Malcolm) Obviously, he knew, but...
(on his phone) No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. (Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.) Sorry, what? Who-Who are you?
(to Christian) Well, you-you do talk to your dad?
(on his cell) Well, how did you get...
(to Christian) NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer!
(on his cell) Please don't be aggressive. I will call back.
Malcolm
(to Christian) You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian.
(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm & Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)
Malcolm
(introducing himself to Mark) Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone.
Malcolm
Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing.
(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)
Malcolm
Do you see what I have to work with?
MMark
I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he?
(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)
Malcolm
(to Mark's assistant) That shot, are you going to use that?
(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)
Malcolm
Sorry, sorry.
Malcolm
This isn't in the package, is it, Mark?
(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)
Malcolm
(to Mark's assistant) You're not using that. You can't use that. (to Mark) This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way.
MMark
Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'.
Malcolm
Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal.
MMark
I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry.
Malcolm
But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman?
MMark
I'm sure my researchers have, yes.
Malcolm
Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have.
(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)
Malcolm
Ollie.
(to Ollie) We need you to fuck Hugh for us. (beat) Okay?
Malcolm
(to Ollie) I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? (Ollie agrees) Good lad. Okay, see you later.
(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair) Oh nice, very nice.
WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE!
When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot!
Fuck's sake. (Ollie answers his phone) Oliver Reeder.
Malcolm
Have you sorted it, Ollie?
It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult –
Malcolm
Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that?
Malcolm
You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together.
Malcolm
Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine.
Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. (Ollie hangs up) Dickwad. (Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it) Oliver Reeder.
Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet?
I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try –
WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!
(Ollie hangs up) Fuck's sake! (His phone rings yet again. He answers) I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? (beat) Yeah. Yeah, Solaris, here we come. Bye.
(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)
Malcolm
All right, folks, here we go.
(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)
NANews Announcer
Tonight, dramatic pictures...
(The newsroom office cheers.)
NANews Announcer
...of voter anger over the NHS.
(happily) Anything other than Number One spot is a big win.
NANews Announcer
...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.
(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)
CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?
(quite amused) Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! (to Ollie) Hey, good photo.
Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone.
What fantastic landscaping...
(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)
(Malcolm Tucker is having his 8:30 meeting with all the reporters and press officers from various government departments.)
Malcolm
(entering the room) Morning morning morning morning!
Malcolm
OK, I want to have a little bit of a think about, um, some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. There seems to have been a bit of a problem last night with, uh, Liam on Newsnight. I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know their lines.
R1Reporter #1
It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We-we grilled him beforehand.
Malcolm
You grilled him?
R1Reporter #1
He's got a new baby. He's not getting enough sleep.
Malcolm
I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care whether he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about. Now I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? (Malcolm starts pointing at all the reporters.) And that is your job and your job. (He continues pointing.) And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. With all due respect of ministers, give them the lines. Right?
Give them all the lines to say?
(Malcolm introduces the other reporters to Robyn.)
Malcolm
This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. She's standing in for, eh, Terri Coverley at the Department of, uh, Social Affairs. So let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, or the Department of Stupid Announcements, or the Department of Sod All. (Laughter emanates from the room.) Right, next.
Malcolm
(to Robyn, smiling) Yes, there is, uh, a pending reshuffle, I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! "There was a young girl from DOSA, who helped herself to a samosa." (Malcolm jokingly makes a karate chop.) Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Just a bit of fun. Um...Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, well, definitely, we-we don't know anything. I don't know anything. So, um, we can't say anything. But you know, even if we did, we wouldn't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't.
Malcolm
Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right?
Malcolm
Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist?
Malcolm
He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze your department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk.
It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. (to Malcolm) Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably?
(Malcolm joins Glenn and Hugh in the office.)
Malcolm
So did you enjoy the show?
(to Malcolm, jokingly) You were magnificent, darling.
(to Malcolm) Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now?
Malcolm
(to Hugh) No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on?
Malcolm
No. This is my bollocking face?
(Malcolm shows Hugh his infamous "bollocking stare.")
Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way.
Malcolm
Did I send that?
As an office warming present.
Malcolm
Christ, she's a great P.A., isn't she, Sam?
Malcolm
She always remembers the little people. (looking at the plant) Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. (back to Glenn and Hugh) So what do you think of the new building, eh?
Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed.
Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window.
(on the phone, calling out to Glenn) Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief.
Malcolm
(to Terri) How much, love?
(to Glenn) I'll catch you later.
Malcolm
(to Hugh, smiling) I like your tan, by the way.
Malcolm
Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend?
I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend.
Malcolm
Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend.
You're not really my friend.
Malcolm
So this, uh, Super Schools Bill...
Malcolm
You don't think it's so super, do you?
(Malcolm gives Hugh the "bollocking stare." Again.)
Malcolm
(unflinching) What?
That's your bollocking face.
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
