(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)
Terri, is, uh -- (Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.) Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not...
Robyn Murdoch(smiling) Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman!
Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster?
(pretending to be seductive) Hey, Horatio! (beat) How's it hanging?
Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey?
What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um...
(beside himself) Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day.
Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so...
Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers?
It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though...
Oh, Terri. Did you not know?
(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)
(to Ollie) Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy?
Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone.
Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry.
(very happy) NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE!
(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)
Robyn
(to Hugh) Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile.
(much more sympathetic) I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry.
(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)
Robyn
I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers.
Robyn
Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that...
Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that?
(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending "Cabinet Reshuffle.")
(on his cell phone) No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye.
(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)
Robyn
(cheekily smiling) Morning, Minister.
Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm?
Robyn
Yep yep.
Robyn
Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit.
"The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm."
Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so...
Robyn
That's true.
A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out.
Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic.
Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah.
Robyn
What about the...piss?
(reassuring Robyn) No no no, it's just a figure of speech.
Robyn
I'd better go.
Robyn
OK.
(looking at his cell phone) I'm sure there's a way of...
(chasing after Robyn) Robyn!
(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)
(whispering to Robyn) Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle?
Robyn
I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late.
Yeah, God, don't be late!
Robyn
Apparently, they shout things at the last one in.
(entering the scene) If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears.
(Robyn leaves)
(to Glenn) Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap.
Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex?
That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's –
(chuckling) You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you.
Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red.
I have not gone red. (points to his folder) That's red.
Look, he can hardly walk properly.
(Malcolm Tucker is having his 8:30 meeting with all the reporters and press officers from various government departments.)
(entering the room) Morning morning morning morning!
OK, I want to have a little bit of a think about, um, some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. There seems to have been a bit of a problem last night with, uh, Liam on Newsnight. I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know their lines.
R1Reporter #1
It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We-we grilled him beforehand.
R1Reporter #1
He's got a new baby. He's not getting enough sleep.
I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care whether he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about. Now I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? (Malcolm starts pointing at all the reporters.) And that is your job and your job. (He continues pointing.) And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. With all due respect of ministers, give them the lines. Right?
Robyn
Give them all the lines to say?
(Malcolm introduces the other reporters to Robyn.)
This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. She's standing in for, eh, Terri Coverley at the Department of, uh, Social Affairs. So let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, or the Department of Stupid Announcements, or the Department of Sod All. (Laughter emanates from the room.) Right, next.
Robyn
Reshuffle?
(to Robyn, smiling) Yes, there is, uh, a pending reshuffle, I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! "There was a young girl from DOSA, who helped herself to a samosa." (Malcolm jokingly makes a karate chop.) Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Just a bit of fun. Um...Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, well, definitely, we-we don't know anything. I don't know anything. So, um, we can't say anything. But you know, even if we did, we wouldn't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't.
Robyn, can you send these back to archives, 'cause they're not even highlighted, I'm not going to plough through all that myself. While you're talking to them, I need the last four months of the European Digest. I'm going to be moving –
Robyn
Is it 'cause you fancy me, is that what this is all about?
Robyn
Why are you so bloody rude to me? I mean, that's got to be the reason. Other people, when they come in here, they knock on the door and they say "hello", "good morning", "thank you" and "nice top" sometimes.
Right, um, well, no. I mean, for a start, I don't fancy you. I don't know where you got that in your head, but it's probably best to get it out. If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it?
Robyn
I think that would definitely do it.
Right, fantastic. Well, thank you very much for the work you do; hi, by the way, how are you?
Robyn
I'm really well, actually.
Great, that's great; you look lovely; can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific.
Robyn
All you had to do was ask me.
Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. (Robyn bends down to get something) Phwoar! (She gets up and stares at Ollie) It was a joke.
(Robyn, Ollie and Terri are looking at the atrium of the new building from their floor.)
Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience.
Robyn
What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place.
What are these, um, hangy-down things?
Oh, they're acoustic baffles, they stop it getting too echoey in here.
Robyn
So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming?
Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a PFI building.
(spotting them from the ground floor) HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!
Malcolm (to Robyn): You are going to bury this Watford arseache tonight, OK? 'Cause tomorrow morning, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want page one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of the last few years in British politics with me at the centre, looking fucking indispensable, and fucking benign. And I want page six to be fucking – Israel or some bullshit, not a fucking DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY-DISTRACTING COCK-UP!
Robyn
Right, um, Jamie. Look, I just have to say at this point that I do find him just a little bit frightening.
Relax, he has never hit anyone. Or at least, anyone he has hit has never had the balls to take it to a superior. (Robyn still looks terrified) It's a fucking joke. It's a joke, OK? The man is a professional, you will be fine.
Actually, Malcolm? We still have no word on Dan Miller. I mean, he's gone dark, he's not answering his phone –
Maybe he's in a hotel with his own huddle. Ring around, try and find him.
What, ring every hotel in London and ask if Dan Miller's booked in?
Yeah! Although he could be using an assumed name.
So you want me to ring round every hotel in London, and ask if anyone, of any name, has booked in?
Well it will keep you busy, you know, you need to keep the mind active at your age.
OK, the line is: wildcat walkout, we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment. Off the record: er, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging, shit-hot, public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he's gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, OK?
(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)
Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax.
(to Robyn) Does he know? Well, follow him.
(still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn.
(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)
(on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want...
(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)
Robyn
Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides...
What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run.
Robyn
Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete!
(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)
Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring?
(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)
(annoyed) WHAT? (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. (to Nicola and the team) Two minutes and I will be back.
(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.)
Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis?
Robyn
I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me.
(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)
(still laughing) I'm protecting you.
Robyn
Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up.
Well, that may or may not be true.
Robyn
Well, it is true.
Well, it may or it may not be true.
Robyn
Well, that is true.
Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms. Murdoch.
Robyn
Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying me at DoSAC.
You've experienced bullying there?
Robyn
Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing.
That's the form the bullying takes?
Robyn
And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you Mariella Shitstrop. Or Flouncy Sinatra, which doesn't even really work!
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
