Hugh Abbot quotes from The Thick Of It

Hugh

[to Glenn] Can you wake me in a couple of hours? [Hugh lies down on a sofa] There's no time to go home, I'll just pass myself coming back in.

Hugh

(telling a joke at his party) And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.”

Hugh

And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time. (to Ollie, whispering) A fiver if you set off the sprinklers.

Hugh

It's going to be like sitting on a tea crate, having chicken shit sprayed all over me.

Hugh

I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and then puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers.

[on the radio] The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...

Hugh

Well, you can fuck off for a start.

The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...

Hugh

[quite proudly] Evening!

Glenn

First story up.

Hugh

Top of the bill.

...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its...

Hugh

Yes it is, and not before time!

...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson...

Hugh

If you can get him out of the bath!

But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight...

Hugh

Well, that's marvelous.

Hugh

Oh, Tucker. [Happily answering the call] Malcolm.

Malcolm

What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you?

Hugh

Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury.

Malcolm

Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about.

Hugh

I can hear that you are, as usual, upset.

Malcolm

I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at the Treasury, these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup!

Hugh

Mal– Malcolm –

Malcolm

You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister actually say to you?

Hugh

He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.'

Malcolm

What did he actually say?

Hugh

He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.'

Malcolm

'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it.

Hugh

I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything!

Malcolm

Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody New Avengers or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it.

Hugh

Scam Busters?

Malcolm

Get rid of it. I don't wanna hear about it again. Bye.

Hugh

All right. So...what the hell am I gonna say is the reason for me summoning all the nation's major news organisations to a school in Wiltshire?

Ollie

So you want something sexy and eye-catching, and that is free and universally popular and instantly applicable, no one can possibly object to it.

Glenn

Yep.

Ollie

Right.

Hugh

Yes.

Ollie

[to Glenn] Well, really, you should've said something before, Glenn, because I've got a file about that fucking thick of that back in the office. Absolutely huge. Those sorts of policies are ten a penny.

Glenn

[getting mad] Ollie!

Ollie

Our entire manifesto is more or less made up of...

Glenn

[settling down] You know, it really doesn't help when you get cynical. You should think of this as an opportunity.

Ollie

It's not that easy to come up with Das Kapital in the back of a cab, Glenn.

Hugh

[intervening] Ollie.

Glenn

[to Hugh, handing him an electric razor] Here, shave.

Glenn

What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free.

Ollie

Return of capital punishment.

Hugh

[unimpressed] That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something.

Ollie

National spare room database.

Hugh

What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo, you know, the other day and they said-they said it was fucking disgusting. You know, the state of it. [beat] That's shit, isn't it?

Glenn

[nodding] No...but there is an idea there, because in the middle of the city, you've got wild animals.

Ollie

Pet ASBOs? Do you remember that? ASBOs for pets?

Hugh

Well, you see, that sounds potentially ludicrous. But then pet passports, I mean, that was a...that was a goer.

Glenn

What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag? By law? You know, the identification cards are coming in...

Hugh

[appalled] You've fucking cracked! Are you mad?

Ollie

What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement.

Hugh

Oh, for goodness...

Ollie

No, no, wait. Right? We say, "The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in 'cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up. So we have to call a big, you know, thing like this."

Hugh

On target, under budget.

Ollie

Coalface politics.

Hugh

Absolutely. Yes, I like that.

Glenn

Not wasting resources.

Hugh

Good. Let's do that.

Glenn

Let's go for that.

Hugh

We trick them. We trick them. Tinselly thing and they come along and then we say, "Ah-ha, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!" [beat] Yes, they never print that stuff, do they?

Ollie

Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this.

Hugh

You mugs! You mugs!

Ollie

But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel.

Hugh

Yeah, which is you live in a country which is properly -- There's not many countries can say that.

Glenn

And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it.

Hugh

Yes. That's good, that, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it?

Ollie

I've got a thing here that says "springy concrete." I don't know, I think that's about the playground thing, but I don't...

Glenn

Springy concrete?

Hugh

[practicing his speech] Good afternoon...Should I say "Hello, boys and girls?"

Glenn

Yes, very nice.

Hugh

Like a fucking panto dame.

Ollie

He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, "Hello, boys and girls."

Glenn

He's talking to the audience in front of him.

Hugh

[practicing] Real money for real families. [asking Glenn and Ollie] Real families or real people?

Glenn

Families.

Ollie

People. Real people.

Glenn

You see? Don't -- Families.

Ollie

Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds John Major.

Glenn

People sounds Communist.

Ollie

It doesn't sound Communist.

Hugh

I'll say families.

Glenn

Thank you, Hugh.

Ollie

Say families of people.

Mr. Abbot.

Glenn

Great. You're on. Here we go.

Hugh

Thank you.

Glenn

It's what you do best, mate.

Hugh

Yep. [to the schools-woman] This is lovely. Very nice indeed.

Glenn

Well, you really pulled it round, mate.

Hugh

I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket.

Glenn

Yeah, and the bullets bounced off.

Hugh

This is what it's all about, Glenn.

Glenn

Yeah.

Hugh

This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit.

Glenn

When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them.

Hugh

Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that.

Glenn

Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns.

Hugh

Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt!

Glenn

That's what we're in it for, mate! Tell them all the shit that we do.

Hugh

It's a means to an end, mate.

Hugh

Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that?

Malcolm

Can I have a word with you?

Malcolm

[sighing heavily] I'm hacked off, mate.

Hugh

[stuttering] But we-we-we killed-we killed it. It's-it's-it's-it's killed.

Malcolm

Yeah, but once you start the fire...And we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning, et cetera, et cetera.

Hugh

S-Sorry, Malcolm, you're not making any sense.

Malcolm

Prime Minister, obviously, he's, uh, on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with The World At One. He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one, so he, um... [Malcolm takes a long pause] He stuck with the story.

Hugh

He liked it?

Malcolm

Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force.

Hugh

[smiling] Oh, right. [beat] We shouldn't really then have, I mean, you shouldn't really have, uh, told us to, uh...Should you? [chuckles]

Malcolm

[unamused] Don't should me, Hugh. 'Cos I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window. None of this should be happening, SHOULD it? SHOULD IT? SHOULD IT?

Hugh

Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...?

Malcolm

It's should in the sense of "You should do as you're fucking told."

Hugh

What, um...What are we gonna do now?

Malcolm

You're gonna completely reverse your position.

Hugh

Hang on-hang on-hang on a second. Hang-Malcolm, it's-it's not actually that, um – I mean, that's gonna be quite hard, really.

Malcolm

Yes, well the announcement that you didn't make today, you did.

Hugh

No, no, I didn't, and there were television cameras there while I was not doing it.

Malcolm

Fuck them.

Hugh

I'm not quite sure h– what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.

Malcolm

Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't really believe you said it, they know that you never said it.

Hugh

Right.

Malcolm

But it's in their interests to say that you said it. Because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying.

Hugh

Yeah, I-I am following this. I just...

Malcolm

I had a friend who used to indulge in extramarital affairs, OK? He would go off and he'd have some dalliance, and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch. The affair never happened. OK?

Hugh

Right.

Malcolm

There's not a prob -- I don't -- What is the problem with this?

Hugh

The problem with it...First of all, I -- I didn't get much dalliance.

Malcolm

Get it into your head. Rewind today into your head.

Hugh

OK, stop explaining it to me!

Malcolm

I have to fucking explain it to you, man. You haven't been here long enough.

Hugh

I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't want to see this guy ever again.

Glenn

On what grounds?

Hugh

Smiling. Inappropriate smiling. And smirking. Smiling and smirking. I don't want to see that smile or smirk ever again. OK? Thank you. [Hugh turns to the driver] OK, thank you very much.

Which way do you want to go?

Hugh

I don't care, you're the boss.

Glenn

[to Hugh] You're late. And you look like shit.

Hugh

I know both of those things already. Margaret Thatcher used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night. How is that possible?

Glenn

Monkey glands. She was mad. Mad people have different needs.

Hugh

And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute. God, London is so big. Can't we devolve some of it? If I could get just one decent night's shut-eye...

Glenn

Well, Hugh, do yourself a favor. Stay over in the flat.

Hugh

I can't break my promise to Kate.

Glenn

I mean, do you actually get to see the children?

Hugh

Glenn, I don't have time for that. All I do... I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, "No, I'm not going to read the New Statesman. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me." Is that normal?

Glenn

It's sad.

Hugh

Well at least I've made something.

Hugh

Hello, Malcolm.

Malcolm

Have you got Simon Hewitt's piece in front of you?

Hugh

I haven't been quite through it, erm, yet.

Malcolm

Have you got to the bit where he calls you out of your depth?

Hugh

No, at the moment he's calling me 'the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant'. That's not very good, is it?

Hugh

So, how do we respond to this?

Terri

Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat.

Ollie

Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with?

Glenn

This is a bucket of shit: if someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them, we start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit.

Terri

Mm.

Hugh

That's top swearing, Glenn, well done.

Ollie

[to Terri] Watch and learn.

Hugh

[thinking of policy ideas] Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit.

Ollie

Aiming high.

Hugh

We aimed high, now we're at dog shit.

Ollie

So what you're looking for –

Malcolm

[entering the room] OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies –

Glenn

[to Malcolm] Morning, Malcolm.

Malcolm

– that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff.

Ollie

Cliff being –

Glenn

Cliff Lawton.

Ollie

Oh right.

Malcolm

Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.

Hugh

Are they now?

Malcolm

Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.