(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)
Terri, is, uh -- (Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.) Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not...
(smiling) Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman!
Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster?
(pretending to be seductive) Hey, Horatio! (beat) How's it hanging?
Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey?
What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um...
(beside himself) Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day.
Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so...
Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers?
It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though...
Oh, Terri. Did you not know?
(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)
(to Ollie) Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy?
Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone.
Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry.
(very happy) NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE!
(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)
(to Hugh) Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile.
(much more sympathetic) I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry.
(Malcolm and his second-in-command, Jamie, are having a good, lively talk while walking to Malcolm's office.)
Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you?
Have you seen the whips' numbers?
NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that?
I think I'll use that quite a lot today.
(Malcolm spots a journalist he's very happy with for doing a good profile on a government Minister.)
(to the journalist) OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it.
(Malcolm and Jamie continue their conversation.)
What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. (Both men enter Malcolm's office.) They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses.
Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah?
He's shitting himself. (laughs) He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was "in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting."
Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend.
(Malcolm's loyal personal assistant, Sam, enters the office. She has some papers for Malcolm to look over and sign.)
(to Sam) Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible?
(Sam readily agrees.)
Thank you. Try not to drip in it.
(After Sam leaves the office, Malcolm continues his chat with Jamie.)
(to Jamie) I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy?
I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter?
No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle.
I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron.
(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)
(looking at Ollie's cell phone) Is this yours? Is this new?
Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10.
Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back.
(to Glenn) Happy slap him. Go on.
(to Hugh) How do you know about happy slapping? How do you begin to know about...
(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a "Happy Slap" upside the head!)
(to Glenn) Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again?
(to Hugh) That's assault.
(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)
(to Glenn) Get off, will you?
(to Ollie) No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures.
(to Ollie) I really like this!
(to Glenn) I'll punch you in your substantial gut.
(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)
(to Robyn) Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker!
(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)
(to Hugh) We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by.
(Glenn takes the pic.)
(to Hugh) Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit.
Yeah, then you'll both be out.
Giving head to the Policy Unit.
(to Hugh) Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now?
We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay?
(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)
I don't think it was funny.
I'm an elected representative of the people.
(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)
(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)
Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. (Malcolm then sees Ollie.) What the fuck are you doing here?
I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say...
I mean what are you doing there? Come on!
All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your –
Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up.
(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)
I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers.
Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that...
Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that?
(to Geoff Holhurst) How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and what fucking FLAVOUR is it?
(on the phone to Emma) Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! (beat) Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system.
GHGeoff Holhurst
(to Malcolm) Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1.
(on the phone to Emma) Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night?
(to Geoff) You're worse than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures.
(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)
Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello.
(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)
Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss?
Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss?
That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you.
But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss?
I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this.
Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you...
(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)
What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with...
(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)
But is that your answer? Is that your answer?
Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it.
You'll get someone to note my case?! Nobody's noted my case!
(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)
STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU?
(stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just...
OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts.
The minister would love to know the facts.
There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two!
(to Hugh, quietly) Give her a smile...
(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)
WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING!
(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)
Glenn? Is she still saying it?
Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment?
(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)
Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know...
The thing is: Don't panic.
(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)
...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS!
(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)
CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please!
(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)
Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up.
Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that?
(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)
(to Christian Holhurst) Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him.
(Ollie's cell phone rings...)
(answering his phone) Ollie Reeder? (beat) Um -- Sorry, who is this?
CHChristian Holhurst
(to Jamie and Malcolm) Obviously, he knew, but...
(on his phone) No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. (Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.) Sorry, what? Who-Who are you?
(to Christian) Well, you-you do talk to your dad?
(on his cell) Well, how did you get...
(to Christian) NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer!
(on his cell) Please don't be aggressive. I will call back.
(to Christian) You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian.
(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm & Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)
(introducing himself to Mark) Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone.
Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing.
(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)
Do you see what I have to work with?
MMark
I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he?
(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)
(to Mark's assistant) That shot, are you going to use that?
(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)
This isn't in the package, is it, Mark?
(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)
(to Mark's assistant) You're not using that. You can't use that. (to Mark) This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way.
MMark
Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'.
Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal.
MMark
I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry.
But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman?
MMark
I'm sure my researchers have, yes.
Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have.
Stats, percentages, international comparison, information! Email them fucking WADS of information! And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? COME ON, UNLEASH HELL!
Sometimes I...You know, when you meet the real...the actual people...Don't you ever, I mean, just look at the little, beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and...I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothes with writing on them? And why are they so fucking fat?
(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)
(to Ollie) We need you to fuck Hugh for us. (beat) Okay?
(to Ollie) I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? (Ollie agrees) Good lad. Okay, see you later.
(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair) Oh nice, very nice.
WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE!
When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot!
Fuck's sake. (Ollie answers his phone) Oliver Reeder.
Have you sorted it, Ollie?
It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult –
Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that?
You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together.
Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine.
Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. (Ollie hangs up) Dickwad. (Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it) Oliver Reeder.
Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet?
I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try –
WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!
(Ollie hangs up) Fuck's sake! (His phone rings yet again. He answers) I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? (beat) Yeah. Yeah, Solaris, here we come. Bye.
