[Hugh and Glenn are in the car listening to The World at One. They're celebrating Hugh's "Snooper Force" policy being given the green light.]
NCNick Clarke
[on the radio] The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...
Well, you can fuck off for a start.
NCNick Clarke
The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...
GlennFirst story up.
NCNick Clarke
...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its...
Yes it is, and not before time!
NCNick Clarke
...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson...
If you can get him out of the bath!
NCNick Clarke
But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight...
[But then, Hugh's cell phone rings.]
Oh, Tucker. [Happily answering the call] Malcolm.
What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you?
Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury.
Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about.
I can hear that you are, as usual, upset.
I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at the Treasury, these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup!
You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister actually say to you?
He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.'
What did he actually say?
He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.'
'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it.
I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything!
Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody New Avengers or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it.
Get rid of it. I don't wanna hear about it again. Bye.
[Ollie is in the car with Glenn & Hugh. The hree of them are discussing policy ideas while traveling.]
All right. So...what the hell am I gonna say is the reason for me summoning all the nation's major news organisations to a school in Wiltshire?
So you want something sexy and eye-catching, and that is free and universally popular and instantly applicable, no one can possibly object to it.
Glenn
Yep.
[to Glenn] Well, really, you should've said something before, Glenn, because I've got a file about that fucking thick of that back in the office. Absolutely huge. Those sorts of policies are ten a penny.
Glenn
[getting mad] Ollie!
Our entire manifesto is more or less made up of...
Glenn
[settling down] You know, it really doesn't help when you get cynical. You should think of this as an opportunity.
It's not that easy to come up with Das Kapital in the back of a cab, Glenn.
Glenn
[to Hugh, handing him an electric razor] Here, shave.
[As Hugh shaves his face, everybody settles down and gets back to the task at hand.]
Glenn
What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free.
Return of capital punishment.
[unimpressed] That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something.
National spare room database.
[Nobody has any ideas yet -- UNTIL...]
What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo, you know, the other day and they said-they said it was fucking disgusting. You know, the state of it. [beat] That's shit, isn't it?
Glenn
[nodding] No...but there is an idea there, because in the middle of the city, you've got wild animals.
Pet ASBOs? Do you remember that? ASBOs for pets?
Well, you see, that sounds potentially ludicrous. But then pet passports, I mean, that was a...that was a goer.
Glenn
What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag? By law? You know, the identification cards are coming in...
[appalled] You've fucking cracked! Are you mad?
What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement.
No, no, wait. Right? We say, "The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in 'cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up. So we have to call a big, you know, thing like this."
Absolutely. Yes, I like that.
Glenn
Not wasting resources.
Glenn
Let's go for that.
We trick them. We trick them. Tinselly thing and they come along and then we say, "Ah-ha, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!" [beat] Yes, they never print that stuff, do they?
Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this.
But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel.
Yeah, which is you live in a country which is properly -- There's not many countries can say that.
Glenn
And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it.
Yes. That's good, that, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it?
[Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are at the school, preparing for Hugh's big speech.]
I've got a thing here that says "springy concrete." I don't know, I think that's about the playground thing, but I don't...
Glenn
Springy concrete?
[practicing his speech] Good afternoon...Should I say "Hello, boys and girls?"
Glenn
Yes, very nice.
Like a fucking panto dame.
He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, "Hello, boys and girls."
Glenn
He's talking to the audience in front of him.
[practicing] Real money for real families. [asking Glenn and Ollie] Real families or real people?
Glenn
Families.
Glenn
You see? Don't -- Families.
Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds John Major.
Glenn
People sounds Communist.
It doesn't sound Communist.
Glenn
Thank you, Hugh.
[A schools-woman approaches the room.]
SWSchools-woman
Mr. Abbot.
Glenn
Great. You're on. Here we go.
Glenn
It's what you do best, mate.
Yep. [to the schools-woman] This is lovely. Very nice indeed.
[Surprisingly, Hugh's press conference was so boring that it was a success! Hugh and Glenn are celebrating at the office.]
Glenn
Well, you really pulled it round, mate.
I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket.
Glenn
Yeah, and the bullets bounced off.
This is what it's all about, Glenn.
Glenn
Yeah.
This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit.
Glenn
When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them.
Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that.
Glenn
Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns.
Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt!
Glenn
That's what we're in it for, mate! Tell them all the shit that we do.
[Glenn sees Malcolm standing behind Hugh, but Hugh is blissfully unaware.]
It's a means to an end, mate.
[Hugh then sees Malcolm right behind him.]
Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that?
Can I have a word with you?
[Glenn, who had earlier slammed doors in Ollie's and Terri's faces, finds a door being slammed in his face.]
[This is the opening scene of the episode.]
Glenn
[to Hugh] You're late. And you look like shit.
I know both of those things already. Margaret Thatcher used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night. How is that possible?
Glenn
Monkey glands. She was mad. Mad people have different needs.
And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute. God, London is so big. Can't we devolve some of it? If I could get just one decent night's shut-eye...
Glenn
Well, Hugh, do yourself a favor. Stay over in the flat.
I can't break my promise to Kate.
Glenn
I mean, do you actually get to see the children?
Glenn, I don't have time for that. All I do... I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, "No, I'm not going to read the New Statesman. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me." Is that normal?
Glenn
It's sad.
Well at least I've made something.
[thinking of policy ideas] Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit.
We aimed high, now we're at dog shit.
So what you're looking for –
[entering the room] OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies –
Glenn
[to Malcolm] Morning, Malcolm.
– that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff.
Glenn
Cliff Lawton.
Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.
Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.
Glenn
It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.
Glenn
Well, my guts still say no.
Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.
Malcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um –
Well, I wouldn't go that far.
She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box.
No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box.
I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm.
I have so much stuff to read and think about.
Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless.
Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?!
Glenn
Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense!
Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, "I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the National Trust, I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke." Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you!
Glenn
Was that good-natured joshing?
Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but...
I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I?
Glenn
Oh, 12.
Glenn
Er... 50.
Right, [to Glenn] so I'm 24% fucked according to you, [to Ollie] but according to you I'm 120% fucked?
[But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.]
Glenn
[to Terri] Terri, have you got anything for us?
Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic.
Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living?
This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that...
[Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.]
All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon.
Glenn
[to Malcolm] Morning, Malcolm.
It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back.
[The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.]
At times of stress, I make jokes!
[Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.]
[to Malcolm] Right, um...What do I do?
Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now.
[Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching a recording of The Bill. Hugh is almost dozing off, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!]
Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000.
Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress.
Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, "group."
[Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...]
Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just...
If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec.
[Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.]
Glenn
What?
I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group?
Glenn
What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception?
Glenn
What do you mean?
Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress.
Glenn
Are you sure?
I've just seen her, she's in The fucking Bill!
Glenn
Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.
Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home Middle England housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know –
[Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.]
Glenn
Yes. Yeah, I do know.
What, who said what wasn't what?
[whispering to Terri] We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're not ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all!
[Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.]
[on the phone]' Can I get back to you?
Glenn
Your fucking legend is a fucking actress!
Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency –
Glenn
Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant!
[whispering] We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone!
Glenn
[to Ollie] Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once?
[Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.]
[still whispering] Shit! Shit!
[Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.]
Glenn
It's not real!
I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in Midsomer Murders.
Glenn
Why didn't you say anything?
I saw her in Midsomer Murders. I thought she might've had a twin or something.
Glenn
What a stupid thing to...
[While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.]
[But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.]
[Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.]
I didn't know that she's an actress!
Glenn
No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse!
[holding the phone] Ollie?
[Malcolm re-enters the picture.]
[to Hugh] How could I know you are a broken vase?
What the fuck are you talking about?
How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape!
[Hugh comes up with a plan...]
Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine.
Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen.
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
