(Peter's partner at DoSAC is Junior MP Fergus Williams. Fergus and his advisor, Adam Kenyon, are proudly getting ready to launch a policy they created, called Silicon Playgrounds.)
I hate to ask, but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus?
Fergus WilliamsYeah. Somewhat.
Silicon Playgrounds are -- is -- go.
Fergus
I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it.
Don't worry about Mannion. He's allergic to the 21st century.
Fergus
Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus.
(Terri is being called to see Fergus and Adam in Fergus's office.)
Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right?
Fergus
And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged.
Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it?
Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government.
Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything.
Fergus
Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam?
Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to Call the Midwife.
Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about.
The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push.
Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I will not -- do ask you ask.
Fergus
Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, NURSE RATCHED, because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is "Tonight" from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't "Rain on my Parade", Funny Girl. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a Hobnob while we run the fucking country, all right?
(Fergus is perplexed, Adam is stunned, and Terri gets up to leave...)
(to Fergus) Thank you, minister.
(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)
Fergus
Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway.
(on the phone to Emma) We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal.
And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'?
You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the BRITs? 'Tinny' Tempah?
Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'.
(shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC) Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits!
Fergus
Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch.
Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place.
Fergus
What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner?
This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet!
(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)
BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW!
(to Peter) Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, P. Diddy?
It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, and I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that!
Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht?
Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. (to Fergus) And Fergus, what about you?
Fergus
Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre.
Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily "gaffe dump." What was the word I used this morning?
Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking Will Self lecture.
What was the word I used?
Fergus
Coalition?
BOOM! So you will go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds with Peter, who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist!
Fergus
So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take salvaging the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great!
I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! (leaves)
(storming out of his office) She's NOT on the FUCKING LIST! (enters Fergus's office) Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list?
Fergus
Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of.
Oh Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want her wafted out of here.
Fergus
(smiling) My hands are tied.
Fuck you! You're not getting in MY car tonight! (leaves)
What a very principled stand you're taking.
Fergus
Yep, but did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly.
(deleted scene)
We have to distance ourself from this now.
Fergus
Right, OK, I'll call Terri and get her up to speed.
Terri is never up to speed. She's stuck in neutral in a fucking rainy car park listening to Ken Bruce.
(on his phone) Who told you I was the guru? Terri Coverley, right, thank you. Well, I am the guru of the policy, but I'm not the guru of the colossal gang of Henrys who tried to explain it just now.
(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)
Fergus
(to Tara) Here we are, at the Coalface. (to Adam) Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan.
(to Tara) Hello, lovely to meet you.
TSTara Strachan
Hi there.
Fergus
Shall we, er...She's an economist...
Fergus
...and a lady.
(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)
What's going on? Who's the skirt?
Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute.
Fergus
(to Tara) I really like your coat, by the way.
(quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you.
Fergus
It's like a leopard.
Fergus
Or a cheetah.
(Tara is sharing her idea for micro banking with Fergus and Adam.)
The beauty of this model...
Fergus
Yeah.
...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay?
Fergus
Great.
Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward.
This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant.
Fergus
(trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam.
Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice.
Fergus
The helping hand for hands-on people.
I like that, that's great. That's really good.
Fergus
Making sure the can-doers don't get canned.
Terrific. Yeah, really good.
(Meanwhile, back at DoSAC HQ, the Banking Brainstorm continues...)
Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level.
This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or...
Fergus
The People's Bank?
Fergus
The Credit Fund? (correcting himself) No, no, credit's a bad word.
Negative. Something, something with "Advance..."
Fergus
The We Bank?
Fergus
Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee.
Do you want to have an "ideagasm?"
(very much turned on) Yes, please.
Ask me how we'd initially fund this.
FAFergus & Adam
How would we initially fund this?
A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses.
You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah.
I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here?
Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion.
Fergus
£2 billion?
Fergus
Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury.
Fergus
And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion.
(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)
OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah?
Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout Sweaty Swain as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.
I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in.
(suddenly concerned) What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it.
Fergus
Well... (awkward laughter from all 3 people) He's in opposition. We rule.
We're the rulers, we're the governors.
Fergus
And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us.
Fergus
Yeah.
(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)
Here, uh, "Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other, Small is Bountiful, Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds." God, that sounds dreary.
Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog?
And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business!
(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)
Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation.
Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017?
As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal.
If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there!
Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here?
Fergus
Not at all.
Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women.
How do you explain this, then? (waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space) I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. You're a woman.
Oh, brilliant. That is really good.
(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)
(offscreen) FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD!
(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching BBC News)
Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust.
Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide.
Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake!
(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)
The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away.
Fergus
He is dead.
Which makes him easier to ignore.
Fergus
As a minister, I should at least express condolences.
(stammering) That-that-that should come from Peter.
Fergus
But he's not here. I am.
(Terri enters the room.)
Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset?
Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died.
Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out!
Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent.
TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!
(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)
Fergus
Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank.
(surprised) Don't you need to talk to the Treasury?
Fergus
We've done that.
Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got...
(jokingly) Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that.
(smiling) So, is-is this the green light?
Fergus
Uh-huh! Yep! £2 billion!
(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)
FAFergus & Adam
Thank you.
Fergus
(to Tara, walking her to the elevator) Lovely to meet you, great.
(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)
What have we just green-lit?
Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion.
Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin?
This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out?
So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut.
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
