Jamie McDonald quotes from The Thick Of It

Jamie

(to Ben, in the car back from the studio) You don't deserve to live!

Jamie

Where's Neil?

Malcolm

Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you?

Jamie

Have you seen the whips' numbers?

Malcolm

NoMFuP.

Jamie

Eh?

Malcolm

NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that?

Jamie

Yeah, it's very good.

Malcolm

I think I'll use that quite a lot today.

Jamie

I'll use it as well.

Malcolm

(to the journalist) OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it.

Jamie

What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. (Both men enter Malcolm's office.) They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses.

Malcolm

Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah?

Jamie

Obviously, yeah.

Malcolm

And how's the Minister?

Jamie

He's shitting himself. (laughs) He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was "in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting."

Malcolm

Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend.

Jamie

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Malcolm

(to Sam) Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible?

Malcolm

Thank you. Try not to drip in it.

Malcolm

(to Jamie) I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy?

Jamie

I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter?

Malcolm

No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle.

Jamie

Oh, I know.

Malcolm

I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron.

Jamie

Probably a moron.

Jamie

(to Christian Holhurst) Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him.

Ollie

(answering his phone) Ollie Reeder? (beat) Um -- Sorry, who is this?

(to Jamie and Malcolm) Obviously, he knew, but...

Ollie

(on his phone) No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. (Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.) Sorry, what? Who-Who are you?

Jamie

(to Christian) Well, you-you do talk to your dad?

Ollie

(on his cell) Well, how did you get...

Jamie

(to Christian) NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer!

Ollie

(on his cell) Please don't be aggressive. I will call back.

Malcolm

(to Christian) You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian.

Malcolm

Ollie.

Jamie

(to Ollie) We need you to fuck Hugh for us. (beat) Okay?

Ollie

(reluctantly) Okay.

Malcolm

(to Ollie) I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? (Ollie agrees) Good lad. Okay, see you later.

Ollie

(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair) Oh nice, very nice.

Jamie

WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE!

Ollie

When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot!

Ollie

Fuck's sake. (Ollie answers his phone) Oliver Reeder.

Malcolm

Have you sorted it, Ollie?

Ollie

It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult –

Malcolm

Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that?

Ollie

No, no –

Malcolm

You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together.

Ollie

No, I'm fine.

Malcolm

Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine.

Ollie

Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. (Ollie hangs up) Dickwad. (Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it) Oliver Reeder.

Jamie

Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet?

Ollie

I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try –

Jamie

WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!

Ollie

(Ollie hangs up) Fuck's sake! (His phone rings yet again. He answers) I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? (beat) Yeah. Yeah, Solaris, here we come. Bye.

Malcolm

All right, folks, here we go.

Tonight, dramatic pictures...

...of voter anger over the NHS.

Jamie

(happily) Anything other than Number One spot is a big win.

...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.

Glenn

CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?

Jamie

(quite amused) Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! (to Ollie) Hey, good photo.

Ollie

Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone.

Hugh

What fantastic landscaping...

Jamie

Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free.

Ollie

OK.

Jamie

Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. (Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it) Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: (laughs slightly) I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, (grabs Frankie's head) and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT!

Ollie

I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party.

Good. You should be impressed.

Ollie

Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy.

Emma

Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is...

Ollie

No no no no. Mine is...

Emma

What?

Ollie

...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is if we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are...

Emma

Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie.

Ollie

I win.

Emma

Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it?

Ollie

Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me.

Emma

You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie.

Ollie

Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power.

Jamie

Hey, Poxbridge!

Malcolm

Hello!

Jamie

Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer!

Malcolm

I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas?

Ollie

What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then?

Jamie

Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. (to Emma) You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma?

Emma

Emma. It's Emma.

Jamie

Emma. Hi, Emma.

Malcolm

(to Ollie) What are you doing down here?

Ollie

I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day.

Malcolm

Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? (to Emma) He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker.

Emma

I'll see you later.

Ollie

Yeah, see you later. (Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)

Jamie

(to Ollie) So, the girlfriend, she-she doesn't mind the whole, uh, you being gay thing?

Malcolm

(to Ollie) Did you take her home for Christmas?

Ollie

No. God, no. I couldn't do that.

Malcolm

Oh no, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in. 'Cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you? She's probably allergic to pit ponies.

Malcolm

(to Ollie) Where's My Little Phony? Ben Swain. What's his Newsnight angle gonna be, then?

Ollie

Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight?

Malcolm

(chuckling) Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already?

Ollie

Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously...

Jamie

The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark.

Malcolm

Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with Stephen Fry or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture.

Ollie

Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll...

Jamie

Pat Morrissey?

Ollie

Yeah.

Jamie

Her? What, Fat Pat?

Ollie

Yeah.

Jamie

"Pumpkin Tits?"

Ollie

Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. (to Malcolm) I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously.

Malcolm

(sarcastically) Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick!

Ollie

So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system.

Malcolm

(beside himself) Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days.

Jamie

Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like mela-fucking-noma.

Malcolm

(to Ollie) See you later. See you in a tick.

Jamie

(to Ollie) What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you?

Ollie

I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper.

Ollie

Hey, Terri!

Terri

Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year!

Ollie

How was Christmas?

Terri

Oh, you know...

Ollie

Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that "I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her." (Ollie follows Terri into an office.) Every bloody year.

Terri

Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home.

Ollie

Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on Newsnight?

Terri

Ben Swain's going on Newsnight?

Ollie

Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me.

Terri

Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually.

Ollie

Well, why did you say it like that, then? "Ben Swain's going on Newsnight?"

Terri

You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists.

Ollie

(laughing) Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists.

Terri

(dead serious) I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health.

Jamie

Mr. Swain.

Ben

Jamie.

Malcolm

Good morning, Ben.

Ben

Morning, Malcolm.

Malcolm

(to 2 office workers) Off you two fuck.

Malcolm

Right, Ben, heard the big news about Paxo.

Ben

Oh right.

Malcolm

What was it you did in your gap year again?

Ben

Um, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz –

Malcolm

Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, unless, unless...you listen to us.

Jamie

He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you.

Ben

Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much.

Malcolm

Who?

Ben

George Alagiah.

Jamie

Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George.

Malcolm

This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you?

Ben

Yes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and...

Jamie

(pulling up a chair) Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh?

Jamie

(As Paxo) Immigration is in disarray. What are you going to do about it?

Ben

Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in...

Jamie

Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck!

Phil

Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here?

Emma

Oh, are you a bit jealous?

Phil

Of the man from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something.

Emma

I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge.

Phil

Oh, yeah.

Emma

So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe.

Phil

Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in –

Ollie

(returning from the toilet) Your life?

Phil

Yes.

Emma

What's he doing with his eyes?

Ollie

Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink.

Malcolm

That's a mega blink! It's not just a blink.

Ollie

He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. (impersonates a cow mooing in pain)

Phil

Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way.

Jamie

The cameramen are laughing.

Ollie

"J-j-j-j-just"!

Emma

Stop him, stop him!

Ollie

He spelled "just" with four Js!

Malcolm

He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken!

Phil

It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically (gibberish).

Jamie

Well, what about the coalface?

Malcolm

Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.

Ollie

Well he certainly looked like a Nutter.

Emma

He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone.

Phil

It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car.

Ollie

He didn't mention the coalface idea.

Jamie

(impersonating Ben) 'I, I, I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, I, I, I –' (normal voice) What's your favourite band, blink-182?

Jamie

That's not a proper cigar: a proper cigar is those big Cuban whoppers, that's just a jumped-up fag.

Malcolm

Talking of which –

Hey!

Jamie

Is it Rag Week?

Malcolm

Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects.

Jamie

Hand rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids.

Ollie

Yeah, thanks. Um, Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually. The opposition have got the Week at the Coalface idea. They're gonna do it.

Jamie

Who, when?

Ollie

Peter Mannion, I don't know when.

Malcolm

How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend, Jesus Christ!

Jamie

You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago.

Ollie

Well I would've done! She is mad, she's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her, just in case I found anything out!

Jamie

Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're... you're David fucking Niven!

Malcolm

Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head.

Ben

Yeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is –

Malcolm

And who was it that did your media training? Myra Hindley? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!

Ben

Yes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around Covent Garden or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you.

Jamie

I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw Al Jolson in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson!

Malcolm

He loves Al Jolson.

Jamie

The Governor!

Ollie

'Maaammy.'

Jamie

You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your iPod from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your cock! And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track (to Ben) by crushing your balls!

Malcolm

Hugh is not coming back: it would look like we're panicking, and we're not panicking. But I need you back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking.

Glenn

So you want me to interrupt my holiday in a panic, so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt his holiday and look like he's panicking?

Malcolm

You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me! (hangs up)

Jamie

(walking in, holding up the same 'Silly Tucker' story) You seen this?

Malcolm

No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me.

Jamie

All right, all right. What are we doing?

Malcolm

What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here.

Jamie

Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malc: they spelt your name right and everything.