Did you say we were gonna do a press release?
Yes, erm, "Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'"
I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age.
Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing.
[Malcolm is in his office on his desk phone, trying to explain himself to a fellow government official.]
I'm not complacent, Tom. [beat] Yeah, I know we did take a hit over the-the-the focus group thing, but it wasn't a big hit. [beat] Oh yeah? Says who? [beat] Oh, the prime minister told you that, huh? Well, get you. [beat] Look, I can only cook with what I've been given. You know, it's like Ready Steady Cook. You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash. But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well then, I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops. Do you know what I mean? [beat] Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, bye.
So what time does this Daily Mail hack get here?
Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you?
So she left the Standard?
That's right, absolutely.
Go on then: ask me some questions.
Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions.
My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers.
Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease –
Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling.
Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world?
On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who deserve a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives.
[both start giggling]
Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant!
Go on, ask me something hard.
Where's the Nazi gold, you donkey-shagger?
I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large –
Malcolm [in his office, on his mobile]: Hi Tom, what can I do for you? [beat] Well, I-I didn't know what he was doing with his flat – I told him that fucking flat w– Well, they're not running with this – No, well, I know, he's got-he's got an interview now with that-that-that Angela Heaney, you know, the twat bubble from the Standard – Fuck, she's just gone to the Mail. I'm onto it. [Malcolm hangs up and leaves his office.]
[Hugh is still talking to Angela.]
No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...[Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl'] Just mucking about...Um...
I have always maintained very clearly...
[opening the door] Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment?
Sure. Sorry, be right back with you.
[Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...]
[to Hugh] They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!
[While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the "Goldfish Bowl." She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies]
Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee?
Um, would you like some tea?
Do let me know if you need anything else.
I will. Thanks very much.
[to Hugh] GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP!
[Hugh re-enters the 'goldfish bowl'...]
Ah. Hah! Bit of a disagreement.
Yeah. Um, could you...I'm just curious, could you hear? Because we were actually...We can be quite brutal to each other, because we're actually very, very good, good friends.
[Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.]
[to Glenn] You haven't been accepting any offers?
Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, "Fuck off, he's selling it!" They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town!
[to Ollie] What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh?
Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea.
Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you?
It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you.
Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet –
If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months –
Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I?
That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department.
[Malcolm's cell phone rings...]
[looking at his phone] Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. [answering] Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. [Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.]
[Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.]
What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview.
[to Hugh] What on Earth did you say to her?
I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so.
[to Hugh] You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go...
Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any.
What did you say about the offers?
[stammering] I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers.
Did you mention me by name?
[still stammering] Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes.
[displeased] Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch!
[Terri enters the office.]
OK, so what's the line on this then?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this?
[to Hugh, still upset] I don't know! Don't look at me!
But we need to have a line on this.
[Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.]
OK, we've got movement, we got a break.
To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright.
All the papers have got a hold of it. The Express has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more.
This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody!
[on her cell phone] Yeah, they're calling the scandal "Flatgate."
[whispering to Terri] Flatgate?!
Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal.
They should call it "Notting Hill Gate-gate."
Can we at least stop calling it a scandal?
[to Terri, unamused] Are you joking? Are you joking now?
[leaving the office] On my way to stall.
[A moment of silence...and then...]
Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.
That is an option, isn't it?
[The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about "Flatgate."]
It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake?
It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks.
Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is burying the whole thing!
Well, what do you want me to do? Resign? [Malcolm stares at him] No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this.
The way out of this situation is for you to –
This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? "Minister is disgusting defecation outburst". Mollie Sugden at Number 10: "Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?" They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick!
It is possible to have a good resignation, you know!
"A good resignation"?! Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell this to me!
Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying "Oh, that fucker's got to go", you surprise them! "Blimey, he's gone! I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!" How about that, huh?! What a way to go, yeah?!
Hugh [to Dan Miller]: I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now.
