Peter Mannion quotes from The Thick Of It

Peter

(on the phone with his wife) No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell. Well, we had champagne, and your sister wasn't there.

Peter

(on the phone to his wife) Champagne looks bad, PR-wise. I might as well be seen urinating through the letterbox of a closed-down library.

Peter

What a shit day!

Peter Mannion

Are they actually sleeping together?

Phil Smith

Yes, yeah. In the flat.

Peter

Do you think she's on top or, what-what do you hear?

Phil

Well, I hear her say, "How do you like it?" And he'll say, "I've got to page Tucker."

Peter

Oh, God. (beat) Have I shaved properly? It's just we're-we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror.

Phil

No, you're very smooth. So it's a chrome kettle, then?

Peter

You've been watching CSI again, haven't you?

Emma

Morning.

Phil

(to Emma) Oh, hello. How was sleeping with the enemy?

Emma

(sarcastically) Oh, hilarious. I forgot how funny you were.

Peter

(to Emma) What time are you seeing Stewart?

Emma

It'll be in about half an hour. What about you?

Peter

(groaning) Oh, I'll be last in. He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the Ryanair queue.

Emma

Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the, uh, wind turbine thing on your house, remember?

Peter

Yes, and it cost me 12 grand. And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in. But my next door neighbor has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around.

Phil

Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag.

Phil

Right. What's up first, then, Peter?

Emma

While we're here, we could bat a few ideas around.

Peter

He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he? Environment? Tax breaks for aromatherapists? SatNav for asylum seekers?

Phil

Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog.

Peter

(groaning again) Oh, God. Really?

Phil

I could actually do the..the writing bit of it, because you wouldn't have time.

Peter

Well, I mean, I might as well, I've knack all else to do. (Peter turns to Phil) Though, um...to be honest, you-you sort it out.

Phil

I thought we could have like a guest book so that, kind of, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments.

Peter

(to Emma) Are you sure? Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are.

Peter

(coughing) Oh, I can't get rid of this.

Phil

I bet you're looking forward to your holiday.

Peter

Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because...

Phil

Carbon.

Peter

No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom.

Phil

(looking at two lamps) What is that?

Peter

It's just –

Phil

Is that raffia?

Peter

He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he?

Phil

It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA.

Peter

I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men.

Phil

I know.

Peter

Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to old money? Because that's not me!

Phil

(confused) You've still got a video?

Peter

I'm a one-nation party.

Stewart Pearson

(smiling) Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting?

Emma

(to Peter) You all right?

Peter

Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around.

Stewart

Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff.

Peter

I was talking about the cold hanging around.

Stewart

Oh, right. (Stewart heads back into his office.) Thanks very much, Em.

Phil

Was that fun there?

Emma

Yeah, it was useful.

Phil

Playing with the big boys?

Emma

Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh?

Phil

No.

Stewart

So. How are you, then?

Peter

(nodding) Fine, I'm-I'm fine.

Stewart

Good, superb, because the reason I've asked you in -- I mean, firstly, just to say, "Hi, how are you?"...

Peter

Still fine.

Stewart

Then, this photo call this afternoon, "100 Days of the New Leader." We've got you a Paul Smith suit. I did think about Vivienne Westwood or...Well, it was just too expensive. And, oh, and a Ted Baker... (Stewart pulls out a pinkish-looking shirt with stripes on it.) Ted Baker shirt, right? No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good.

Peter

But I'm already wearing a suit and, controversially, a tie.

Stewart

Yeah, absolutely, sure. But frankly, you know, it all looks a bit '80s, you know? Robert Palmer, Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe. We think this is better, it's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming. Try it on.

Peter

(in amused disbelief) Is this a joke?

Stewart

Try the suit on.

Stewart

Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed?

Peter

Well, I don't know. Am I? Because, uh, I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, 'Are you still for locking up yobbos?', and I say, 'Yeah, of course we are.' And then I think, 'Well, are we?' Because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos now, or not even call them yobbos, call them 'young men with issues around stabbing.' (awkward silence) No tie, you say?

Stewart

No tie.

Peter

Quite a nice suit, actually.

Stewart

So, we were thinking...Shirt outside the trousers.

Peter

Outside? Not tuck my shirt in?

Stewart

Yeah.

Peter

I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out. Is that modern enough for you?

Stewart

Just try it, Peter. Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing.

Peter

(untucking his shirt) I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in. I've done it since I was a boy, I was told off for not doing it.

Stewart

Oh God, no, you were right. Sorry, no, tuck it in. You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm.

Peter

How is my blog? My own personal blog, personally written by me?

Phil

There we go.

Emma

Oh, brilliant.

Phil

Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals, and you had a fruit lunch.

Peter

Oh, I write very well. What's the feedback like?

Phil

Pretty good. Let's see on this page here. Here we go.

Peter

"I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook."

Phil

What?

Peter

Cypriot? This is the shit room. You've opened the shit room door.

Emma

Oh come on, that's not too bad.

Peter

"How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?" Christ, that was twelve years ago!

Phil

I hadn't seen that one.

Peter

"Adulterous Nazi"?

Phil

Or that one.

Emma

That's actually I think the same one.

Peter

This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible.

Emma

Peter, you really – you can't say the public are fucking horrible.

Peter

Yes I can, I've met them. "You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?" Really? I mean, for God's sake.

Emma

The chutney?

Peter

Yes, it's up the arse.

Emma

See this: I still don't understand why people do this 'h8' thing. If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly.

Phil

What the fuck was that all about? You know, nicking the other lot's ideas?

Emma

You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite.

Phil

You started it. You know, at least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas.

Emma

You sanctimonious twat! Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him.

Peter

(knocking from behind glass) What's going on?

Phil

Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't. So Emma nicked it.

Peter

(to Emma) Oh, fuck-tastic. Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday. Good work.

Emma

(to Phil) Thanks a lot, Supergrass.

Peter

Do I know you? Oh, don't you work for somebody famous? Er, Malcolm Hamish MacDeath?

Jamie

It's, er, Peter Onion, isn't it?

Peter

Hah! That's right.

Jamie

I always forget, were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi?

Peter

Just the love child: I was the quiet one.

Phil

Like John Deacon in Queen.

Ollie

What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator!

Glenn

Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.Ollie: (re: Nicola's daughter, Ella) She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. Neil Diamond I believe would have called 'a Sweet Columbine incident'.

Emma

Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working.

Phil

Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. (impersonates Malcolm) 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!'

Emma

OK, erm –

Phil

I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like.

Emma

Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound.

Phil

OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall.

Morning.

Peter

Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo!

Phil

Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix!

Emma

Don't ask.

Peter

Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'.

Phil

Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise?

Peter

Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it.

Malcolm

(explaining the Opposition Drill) When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.

Emma

(receiving an alert on her phone) That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up.

Peter

Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we?

Emma

Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? (taps her phone) One button... (leaves)

Peter

Cher?

Phil

Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. (checks that Emma has gone) OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter.

Peter

She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection.

Phil

She's 12.

Peter

Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.

Stewart

Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence.

Peter

Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.Peter: I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC?

Stewart

Yeah, who are you meeting?

Phil

Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks.

Stewart

Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks.

Phil

Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though.

Emma

Very funny.

Peter

(Discussing Malcolm) His bark's worse than his bite. (Sees Malcolm approaching)

Malcolm

Peter!

Peter

And speaking of rabies injections, here he is!

Malcolm

I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the Robert Palmer lookalikey thing, huh?

Peter

Malcolm, you're looking well, for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm?

Peter

(Answers his mobile phone) Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear?

Stewart

How's the info-pump firing?

Peter

You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on.

Malcolm

Listen, Nicky, this - it's a war, right? It's a fucking war. Now, you can't change a thing unless you win the war, and you cannot win the war unless you're prepared to fight.

Nicola

That's what this all about for you, isn't it? It's just about fighting and fucking... power. Does it never occur to you that your poisonous male obsession with conflict, which is making people despise politics? And by the way, don't ever fucking call me Nicky!

Malcolm

Spare me your fucking psycho-fanny, right? What do you think fucking Mannion's doing right now? Michael Aspel's cooler, fucking younger brother? I'll tell you what he's doing. He's sitting around with his pals, you know what they're doing? They're telling very fucking nasty jokes about your family! They're playing fucking pin the cock on the fucking donkey's face with your face there, 'cause you're the fucking donkey, right? So you should just fucking count your blessings! Ella's not been excluded. That's what you wanted, right? Yes?

Nicola

Yeah, I really wanted Ella to be able to stay at a shit school, the only redeeming feature of which was the headmaster who, thanks to me, has now been forced out.

Malcolm

Yeah, well... maybe... maybe in a term or so, you know, we might understand if you... very quietly decided to move her.

Nicola

Really?

Malcolm

Yeah.

Nicola

(composing herself) Good. Good. OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something?

Malcolm

There you go, that's my girl, yeah! Indiana Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.(deleted scene)

Phil

This is mint. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a wooden horse.

Phil

I meant the film Troy?

Peter

Awesome.(deleted scene)

Emma

Do you fancy a cup of tea?

Stewart

Er, yes, you got anything herbal?

Emma

OK, yeah. (walking off, to herself) Something perfumed and essentially gay. (sees Phil) Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself.

Phil

I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. (Emma laughs) It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel.

Stewart

Where's Peter?

Emma

Yeah, where is Peter?

Phil

I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in Greenwich.

Emma

Greenwich?

Phil

I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.(deleted scene)

Peter

Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed.

Peter

Why does the useless one keep staring at me?

Phil

Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. You ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. (both chuckle) You've seen Misery?

Peter

I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I?

Peter

(quietly) The stupid one keeps staring at me; could you block the view, or something?

Phil

OK. (Phil sits on the table, between Terri and Peter.)

Peter

OK.

Phil

(to Terri) Sorry.

Peter

Why isn't Emma here to help?

Phil

She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! Probably crying his eyes out right now, like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card.