Terri Coverley quotes from The Thick Of It

Terri

It's not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples. And if you want me to sell the oranges, then I'll go and tell people the apples? "The apples are shit, Ollie. They're shit." I'll say, "Go on! Check out our oranges!"

Terri

Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the new Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray.

Glenn

So the line is -- and call every news desk -- that the Snooper Force story is that it was led out by, quote, "a disgruntled civil servant," unquote. OK?

Terri

[privately annoyed] OK, great.

Glenn

And Terri?

Terri

Hmmm?

Glenn

You can drop that tone, all right?

Terri

What tone?

Glenn

The "I knew better all along" tone, yeah? It isn't fucking appreciated right now!

Hugh

So, how do we respond to this?

Terri

Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat.

Ollie

Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with?

Glenn

This is a bucket of shit: if someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them, we start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit.

Terri

Mm.

Hugh

That's top swearing, Glenn, well done.

Ollie

[to Terri] Watch and learn.

Terri

Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless.

Ollie

Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?!

Glenn

Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense!

Ollie

Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, "I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the National Trust, I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke." Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you!

Glenn

Was that good-natured joshing?

Hugh

How fucked am I?

Ollie

Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but...

Hugh

I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I?

Glenn

Oh, 12.

Ollie

Yeah. 12, say.

Hugh

Out of what?

Glenn

Er... 50.

Ollie

Oh. Mine was out of ten.

Hugh

Right, [to Glenn] so I'm 24% fucked according to you, [to Ollie] but according to you I'm 120% fucked?

Ollie

Um, yeah, I didn't...

Glenn

[to Terri] Terri, have you got anything for us?

Terri

Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic.

Hugh

Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living?

Terri

This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that...

Malcolm

All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon.

Glenn

[to Malcolm] Morning, Malcolm.

Malcolm

It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back.

Malcolm

At times of stress, I make jokes!

Hugh

[to Malcolm] Right, um...What do I do?

Malcolm

Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now.

Hugh

Oh, shit.

Malcolm

Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000.

Hugh

Oh, shit.

Malcolm

What?

Hugh

She's an actress.

Malcolm

Who?

Hugh

Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress.

Malcolm

Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, "group."

Hugh

Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just...

Malcolm

Should I pause it?

Hugh

If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec.

Hugh

Glenn?

Glenn

What?

Hugh

I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group?

Glenn

What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception?

Hugh

She's an actress.

Glenn

What do you mean?

Hugh

Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress.

Glenn

Are you sure?

Hugh

I've just seen her, she's in The fucking Bill!

Glenn

Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.

Hugh

Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home Middle England housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know –

Glenn

Yes. Yeah, I do know.

Terri

What, who said what wasn't what?

Hugh

[whispering to Terri] We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're not ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all!

Terri

[on the phone]' Can I get back to you?

Ollie

[to Glenn] What is it?

Glenn

Your fucking legend is a fucking actress!

Ollie

Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency –

Glenn

Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant!

Hugh

[whispering] We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone!

Glenn

[to Ollie] Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once?

Hugh

[still whispering] Shit! Shit!

Glenn

It's not real!

Terri

I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in Midsomer Murders.

Glenn

Why didn't you say anything?

Terri

I saw her in Midsomer Murders. I thought she might've had a twin or something.

Glenn

What a stupid thing to...

Hugh

Fuck! Fuck!

Hugh

I didn't know that she's an actress!

Glenn

No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse!

Terri

[holding the phone] Ollie?

Ollie

Shut up!

Terri

Can you call her?

Ollie

Yes, I'll call her!

Malcolm

[to Hugh] How could I know you are a broken vase?

Hugh

What the fuck are you talking about?

Malcolm

You're a broken vase!

Hugh

How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape!

Hugh

Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine.

Malcolm

Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen.

Ollie

Or we kill her.

Terri

Did you say we were gonna do a press release?

Hugh

Yes, erm, "Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'"

Dan Miller

How are you, Glenn?

Glenn

I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age.

Dan Miller

Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing.

Hugh

No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...[Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl'] Just mucking about...Um...

Hugh

I have always maintained very clearly...

Malcolm

[opening the door] Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment?

Hugh

Sure. Sorry, be right back with you.

Malcolm

[to Hugh] They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!

Terri

Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee?

Angela

No, I'm fine, thanks.

Terri

Um, would you like some tea?

Angela

Nope, nope.

Terri

No biscuits or anything?

Angela

No.

Terri

Do let me know if you need anything else.

Angela

I will. Thanks very much.

Malcolm

[to Hugh] GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP!

Hugh

What is happening?

Ollie

What the hell was that?

Hugh

What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview.

Glenn

[to Hugh] What on Earth did you say to her?

Hugh

I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so.

Ollie

[to Hugh] You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go...

Hugh

Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any.

Ollie

What did you say about the offers?

Hugh

[stammering] I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers.

Glenn

Hugh?

Hugh

Hmm?

Glenn

Did you mention me by name?

Hugh

[still stammering] Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes.

Glenn

[displeased] Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch!

Terri

OK, so what's the line on this then?

Hugh

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this?

Glenn

[to Hugh, still upset] I don't know! Don't look at me!

Hugh

But we need to have a line on this.

Malcolm

OK, we've got movement, we got a break.

Glenn

What? What? What?

Malcolm

The flat's sold.

Hugh

[in disbelief] WHAT?

Malcolm

To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright.

Glenn

Jesus!

Hugh

WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

Terri

Malcolm?

Malcolm

Yeah?

Terri

We're too late.

Malcolm

What?

Terri

All the papers have got a hold of it. The Express has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more.

Malcolm

[stunned] Jesus...

Terri

Haven't been accepted.

Malcolm

We've got to stall.

Hugh

This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody!

Terri

[on her cell phone] Yeah, they're calling the scandal "Flatgate."

Hugh

Scandal?!

Malcolm

[whispering to Terri] Flatgate?!

Glenn

Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal.

Terri

They should call it "Notting Hill Gate-gate."

Hugh

Can we at least stop calling it a scandal?

Malcolm

[to Terri, unamused] Are you joking? Are you joking now?

Terri

[leaving the office] On my way to stall.

Malcolm

Yeah, get stalling.

Hugh

Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.

Glenn

That is an option, isn't it?

Malcolm

So did you enjoy the show?

Glenn

(to Malcolm, jokingly) You were magnificent, darling.

Hugh

(to Malcolm) Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now?

Malcolm

(to Hugh) No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on?

Hugh

Well...

Malcolm

No. This is my bollocking face?

Hugh

Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way.

Malcolm

Did I send that?

Hugh

As an office warming present.

Malcolm

Christ, she's a great P.A., isn't she, Sam?

Hugh

Yeah.

Malcolm

She always remembers the little people. (looking at the plant) Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. (back to Glenn and Hugh) So what do you think of the new building, eh?

Hugh

Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed.

Glenn

Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window.

Terri

(on the phone, calling out to Glenn) Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief.

Malcolm

(to Terri) How much, love?

Terri

Sorry?

Glenn

Okay, I'm on it.

Hugh

(to Glenn) I'll catch you later.

Malcolm

(to Hugh, smiling) I like your tan, by the way.

Hugh

Thank you.

Malcolm

Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend?

Hugh

I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend.

Malcolm

Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend.

Hugh

You're not really my friend.

Malcolm

So this, uh, Super Schools Bill...

Hugh

Yep.

Malcolm

You don't think it's so super, do you?

Hugh

You're doing it now.

Malcolm

(unflinching) What?

Hugh

That's your bollocking face.

Ollie

Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience.

Robyn

What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place.

Terri

What are these, um, hangy-down things?

Ollie

Oh, they're acoustic baffles, they stop it getting too echoey in here.

Robyn

So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming?

Ollie

Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a PFI building.

Malcolm

(spotting them from the ground floor) HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!

Terri

Now Hugh, are you going to do the right thing, are you going to admit to this publicly?

Hugh

Are you – What? No! Are you mad? I can't do that, that mustn't happen! You've got – I need you, to –

Terri

What, to lie?

Hugh

I think it was Derrida who said there is no such thing as actual empirical truth, but only –

Terri

Yeah, I'll tell you what Derrida said, he said, 'Go fuck your face, Abbot!'

Hugh

You need to mind your language, it just will keep getting you into trouble.

Terri

(finally opening the door) I can't even get out the fucking room! (storms out)

Malcolm

(to Ollie) Where's My Little Phony? Ben Swain. What's his Newsnight angle gonna be, then?

Ollie

Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight?

Malcolm

(chuckling) Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already?

Ollie

Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously...

Jamie

The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark.

Malcolm

Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with Stephen Fry or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture.

Ollie

Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll...

Jamie

Pat Morrissey?

Ollie

Yeah.

Jamie

Her? What, Fat Pat?

Ollie

Yeah.

Jamie

"Pumpkin Tits?"

Ollie

Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. (to Malcolm) I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously.

Malcolm

(sarcastically) Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick!

Ollie

So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system.

Malcolm

(beside himself) Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days.

Jamie

Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like mela-fucking-noma.

Malcolm

(to Ollie) See you later. See you in a tick.

Jamie

(to Ollie) What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you?

Ollie

I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper.

Ollie

Hey, Terri!

Terri

Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year!

Ollie

How was Christmas?

Terri

Oh, you know...

Ollie

Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that "I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her." (Ollie follows Terri into an office.) Every bloody year.

Terri

Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home.

Ollie

Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on Newsnight?

Terri

Ben Swain's going on Newsnight?

Ollie

Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me.

Terri

Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually.

Ollie

Well, why did you say it like that, then? "Ben Swain's going on Newsnight?"

Terri

You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists.

Ollie

(laughing) Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists.

Terri

(dead serious) I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health.