[Ollie is in the car with Glenn & Hugh. The hree of them are discussing policy ideas while traveling.]
All right. So...what the hell am I gonna say is the reason for me summoning all the nation's major news organisations to a school in Wiltshire?
OllieSo you want something sexy and eye-catching, and that is free and universally popular and instantly applicable, no one can possibly object to it.
Ollie
Right.
Ollie
[to Glenn] Well, really, you should've said something before, Glenn, because I've got a file about that fucking thick of that back in the office. Absolutely huge. Those sorts of policies are ten a penny.
Ollie
Our entire manifesto is more or less made up of...
[settling down] You know, it really doesn't help when you get cynical. You should think of this as an opportunity.
Ollie
It's not that easy to come up with Das Kapital in the back of a cab, Glenn.
[to Hugh, handing him an electric razor] Here, shave.
[As Hugh shaves his face, everybody settles down and gets back to the task at hand.]
What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free.
Ollie
Return of capital punishment.
[unimpressed] That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something.
Ollie
National spare room database.
[Nobody has any ideas yet -- UNTIL...]
What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo, you know, the other day and they said-they said it was fucking disgusting. You know, the state of it. [beat] That's shit, isn't it?
[nodding] No...but there is an idea there, because in the middle of the city, you've got wild animals.
Ollie
Pet ASBOs? Do you remember that? ASBOs for pets?
Well, you see, that sounds potentially ludicrous. But then pet passports, I mean, that was a...that was a goer.
What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag? By law? You know, the identification cards are coming in...
[appalled] You've fucking cracked! Are you mad?
Ollie
What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement.
Ollie
No, no, wait. Right? We say, "The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in 'cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up. So we have to call a big, you know, thing like this."
Ollie
Coalface politics.
Absolutely. Yes, I like that.
We trick them. We trick them. Tinselly thing and they come along and then we say, "Ah-ha, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!" [beat] Yes, they never print that stuff, do they?
Ollie
Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this.
Ollie
But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel.
Yeah, which is you live in a country which is properly -- There's not many countries can say that.
And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it.
Yes. That's good, that, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it?
[Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are at the school, preparing for Hugh's big speech.]
Ollie
I've got a thing here that says "springy concrete." I don't know, I think that's about the playground thing, but I don't...
[practicing his speech] Good afternoon...Should I say "Hello, boys and girls?"
Like a fucking panto dame.
Ollie
He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, "Hello, boys and girls."
He's talking to the audience in front of him.
[practicing] Real money for real families. [asking Glenn and Ollie] Real families or real people?
Ollie
People. Real people.
You see? Don't -- Families.
Ollie
Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds John Major.
Ollie
It doesn't sound Communist.
Ollie
Say families of people.
[A schools-woman approaches the room.]
SWSchools-woman
Mr. Abbot.
Great. You're on. Here we go.
It's what you do best, mate.
Yep. [to the schools-woman] This is lovely. Very nice indeed.
[Ollie is in an office arguing with his ex-girlfriend, Angela Heaney...who's also a news journalist.]
Ollie
I'm really glad you came in, Angela.
Well, I could lose my job, Ollie.
Ollie
Yeah...
Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories in one day.
Ollie
I know,
They gave me flip-flops. You know? Someone actually went out and bought me flip-flops to give me.
Ollie
Yeah. You've gotta give them credit for that, that is quite funny.
Yeah. And they pasted onto them...a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote, "Angela Heaney swallows anything."
Ollie
That is less funny. Obviously, that's actually quite offensive.
Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day of spin?
Ollie
Wh-Why? What sort of story? [Ollie starts stammering and struggling to defend himself...]
Inside story of a government department out of control. With diagrams and maybe a flow chart with your face and name on it. And Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows showing who spoke to who and how you all fucked it up! Yeah, I think I could write that one up myself, Ollie. I think I could do the punctuation on that one!
Ollie
Yeah, I-I'm sorry. Okay, I was patronis...
[Suddenly, Malcolm comes into the office.]
Hey. Hi, Angela. Oh, I like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going?
Ollie
Yeah, er, fine. Um, we were just, er, talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper...
[to Ollie] Oh, I don't know. [to Angela] Maybe you should! Good idea.
[Malcolm leaves -- then comes back.]
Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I know why she shouldn't. Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio where the sad sack belongs. That's what I'd tell her. [to Ollie] But maybe you should do it. See you later.
Ollie
Yeah. [to Angela] He's actually...He can be really nice. It's been a very long day.
[thinking of policy ideas] Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit.
Ollie
Aiming high.
We aimed high, now we're at dog shit.
Ollie
So what you're looking for –
[entering the room] OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies –
[to Malcolm] Morning, Malcolm.
– that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff.
Ollie
Cliff being –
Ollie
Oh right.
Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.
Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.
Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless.
Ollie
Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?!
Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense!
Ollie
Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, "I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the National Trust, I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke." Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you!
Was that good-natured joshing?
Ollie
Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but...
I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I?
Ollie
Yeah. 12, say.
Ollie
Oh. Mine was out of ten.
Right, [to Glenn] so I'm 24% fucked according to you, [to Ollie] but according to you I'm 120% fucked?
Ollie
Um, yeah, I didn't...
[But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.]
[to Terri] Terri, have you got anything for us?
Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic.
Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living?
This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that...
[Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.]
All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon.
[to Malcolm] Morning, Malcolm.
It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back.
[The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.]
At times of stress, I make jokes!
[Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.]
[to Malcolm] Right, um...What do I do?
Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now.
[Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching a recording of The Bill. Hugh is almost dozing off, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!]
Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000.
Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress.
Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, "group."
[Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...]
Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just...
If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec.
[Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.]
I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group?
What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception?
Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress.
I've just seen her, she's in The fucking Bill!
Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.
Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home Middle England housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know –
[Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.]
What, who said what wasn't what?
[whispering to Terri] We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're not ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all!
[Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.]
[on the phone]' Can I get back to you?
Ollie
[to Glenn] What is it?
Your fucking legend is a fucking actress!
Ollie
Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency –
Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant!
[whispering] We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone!
[to Ollie] Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once?
[Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.]
[still whispering] Shit! Shit!
[Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.]
I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in Midsomer Murders.
Why didn't you say anything?
I saw her in Midsomer Murders. I thought she might've had a twin or something.
What a stupid thing to...
[While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.]
[But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.]
[Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.]
I didn't know that she's an actress!
No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse!
[holding the phone] Ollie?
Ollie
Shut up!
Ollie
Yes, I'll call her!
[Malcolm re-enters the picture.]
[to Hugh] How could I know you are a broken vase?
What the fuck are you talking about?
How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape!
[Hugh comes up with a plan...]
Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine.
Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen.
Ollie
Or we kill her.
[Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.]
[to Mary] Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow?
Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you –
No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you –
You know that film Notting Hill, have you seen that?
She's probably fucking in it.
You know that bit where the guy opens the door –
– and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches.
Hugh [trying to comfort Mary]: It's OK, it's OK.
No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the stocks!
I still don't really understand what's going on.
We can hold those dogs back, right?
We can get you a nice journalist, yeah?
We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that...
Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to.
I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist.
You spoke to Simon Hewitt.
You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him.
[getting mad] I'd like to go now!
[Now, ALL the guys are shouting!]
Did you speak to Simon Hewitt?
She didn't fucking speak to him.
[The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.]
I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck.
[Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.]
Ollie
Hewitt.
She doesn't even know! [to Malcolm] Malcolm...Fuck's sake!
[talking about Malcolm] What's the matter with him?
Ollie. [Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.]
[to Mary] Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you.
[trying to apologize to Mary] Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that...
[Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.]
[Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.]
[to Glenn] You haven't been accepting any offers?
Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, "Fuck off, he's selling it!" They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town!
[to Ollie] What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh?
Ollie
Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea.
Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you?
Ollie
It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you.
Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet –
Ollie
If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months –
Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I?
Ollie
Yeah, well.
That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department.
[Malcolm's cell phone rings...]
[looking at his phone] Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. [answering] Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. [Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.]
[Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.]
Ollie
What the hell was that?
What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview.
[to Hugh] What on Earth did you say to her?
I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so.
Ollie
[to Hugh] You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go...
Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any.
Ollie
What did you say about the offers?
[stammering] I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers.
Did you mention me by name?
[still stammering] Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes.
[displeased] Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch!
[Terri enters the office.]
OK, so what's the line on this then?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this?
[to Hugh, still upset] I don't know! Don't look at me!
But we need to have a line on this.
[Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.]
OK, we've got movement, we got a break.
To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright.
All the papers have got a hold of it. The Express has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more.
This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody!
[on her cell phone] Yeah, they're calling the scandal "Flatgate."
[whispering to Terri] Flatgate?!
Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal.
They should call it "Notting Hill Gate-gate."
Can we at least stop calling it a scandal?
[to Terri, unamused] Are you joking? Are you joking now?
[leaving the office] On my way to stall.
[A moment of silence...and then...]
Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.
That is an option, isn't it?
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
