[Hugh and Glenn are in the car listening to The World at One. They're celebrating Hugh's "Snooper Force" policy being given the green light.]
NCNick Clarke
[on the radio] The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...
Well, you can fuck off for a start.
NCNick Clarke
The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...
NCNick Clarke
...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its...
Yes it is, and not before time!
NCNick Clarke
...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson...
If you can get him out of the bath!
NCNick Clarke
But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight...
[But then, Hugh's cell phone rings.]
Oh, Tucker. [Happily answering the call] Malcolm.
MalcolmWhat the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you?
Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury.
Malcolm
Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about.
I can hear that you are, as usual, upset.
Malcolm
I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at the Treasury, these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup!
Malcolm
You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister actually say to you?
He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.'
Malcolm
What did he actually say?
He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.'
Malcolm
'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it.
I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything!
Malcolm
Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody New Avengers or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it.
Malcolm
Get rid of it. I don't wanna hear about it again. Bye.
[Surprisingly, Hugh's press conference was so boring that it was a success! Hugh and Glenn are celebrating at the office.]
Well, you really pulled it round, mate.
I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket.
Yeah, and the bullets bounced off.
This is what it's all about, Glenn.
This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit.
When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them.
Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that.
Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns.
Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt!
That's what we're in it for, mate! Tell them all the shit that we do.
[Glenn sees Malcolm standing behind Hugh, but Hugh is blissfully unaware.]
It's a means to an end, mate.
[Hugh then sees Malcolm right behind him.]
Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that?
Malcolm
Can I have a word with you?
[Glenn, who had earlier slammed doors in Ollie's and Terri's faces, finds a door being slammed in his face.]
[Malcolm wants to discuss Hugh's speech at the school.]
Malcolm
[sighing heavily] I'm hacked off, mate.
[stuttering] But we-we-we killed-we killed it. It's-it's-it's-it's killed.
Malcolm
Yeah, but once you start the fire...And we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning, et cetera, et cetera.
S-Sorry, Malcolm, you're not making any sense.
Malcolm
Prime Minister, obviously, he's, uh, on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with The World At One. He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one, so he, um... [Malcolm takes a long pause] He stuck with the story.
Malcolm
Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force.
[smiling] Oh, right. [beat] We shouldn't really then have, I mean, you shouldn't really have, uh, told us to, uh...Should you? [chuckles]
Malcolm
[unamused] Don't should me, Hugh. 'Cos I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window. None of this should be happening, SHOULD it? SHOULD IT? SHOULD IT?
Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...?
Malcolm
It's should in the sense of "You should do as you're fucking told."
What, um...What are we gonna do now?
Malcolm
You're gonna completely reverse your position.
Hang on-hang on-hang on a second. Hang-Malcolm, it's-it's not actually that, um – I mean, that's gonna be quite hard, really.
Malcolm
Yes, well the announcement that you didn't make today, you did.
No, no, I didn't, and there were television cameras there while I was not doing it.
Malcolm
Fuck them.
I'm not quite sure h– what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.
Malcolm
Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't really believe you said it, they know that you never said it.
Malcolm
But it's in their interests to say that you said it. Because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying.
Yeah, I-I am following this. I just...
Malcolm
I had a friend who used to indulge in extramarital affairs, OK? He would go off and he'd have some dalliance, and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch. The affair never happened. OK?
Malcolm
There's not a prob -- I don't -- What is the problem with this?
The problem with it...First of all, I -- I didn't get much dalliance.
Malcolm
Get it into your head. Rewind today into your head.
OK, stop explaining it to me!
Malcolm
I have to fucking explain it to you, man. You haven't been here long enough.
[Ollie is in an office arguing with his ex-girlfriend, Angela Heaney...who's also a news journalist.]
I'm really glad you came in, Angela.
Well, I could lose my job, Ollie.
Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories in one day.
They gave me flip-flops. You know? Someone actually went out and bought me flip-flops to give me.
Yeah. You've gotta give them credit for that, that is quite funny.
Yeah. And they pasted onto them...a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote, "Angela Heaney swallows anything."
That is less funny. Obviously, that's actually quite offensive.
Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day of spin?
Wh-Why? What sort of story? [Ollie starts stammering and struggling to defend himself...]
Inside story of a government department out of control. With diagrams and maybe a flow chart with your face and name on it. And Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows showing who spoke to who and how you all fucked it up! Yeah, I think I could write that one up myself, Ollie. I think I could do the punctuation on that one!
Yeah, I-I'm sorry. Okay, I was patronis...
[Suddenly, Malcolm comes into the office.]
Malcolm
Hey. Hi, Angela. Oh, I like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going?
Yeah, er, fine. Um, we were just, er, talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper...
Malcolm
[to Ollie] Oh, I don't know. [to Angela] Maybe you should! Good idea.
[Malcolm leaves -- then comes back.]
Malcolm
Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I know why she shouldn't. Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio where the sad sack belongs. That's what I'd tell her. [to Ollie] But maybe you should do it. See you later.
Yeah. [to Angela] He's actually...He can be really nice. It's been a very long day.
[thinking of policy ideas] Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit.
We aimed high, now we're at dog shit.
So what you're looking for –
Malcolm
[entering the room] OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies –
[to Malcolm] Morning, Malcolm.
Malcolm
– that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff.
Malcolm
Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.
Malcolm
Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.
Malcolm
And you're against it?
It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.
Well, my guts still say no.
Malcolm
Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.
Malcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um –
Malcolm
She's shit.
Well, I wouldn't go that far.
Malcolm
She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box.
No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box.
Malcolm
Exactly, I like that.
I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm.
Malcolm
No, that's good.
I have so much stuff to read and think about.
[Malcolm is still working late at night in his office, eating a piece of fruit, when his cell phone rings.]
Malcolm
[answering the call] Tucker.
SHSimon Hewitt
Malcolm, uh...hope I didn't wake you up.
Malcolm
[spitting] Hewitt.
SSimon
Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups. It's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster. I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing without focus groups.
Malcolm
[clearly unmoved] I'm shaking with fear.
SSimon
Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy.
Malcolm
You're so very very witty. Pity none of it ever makes it into your columns.
SSimon
Listen, I'd love to spend the rest of the evening listening to you, but I've got better things to do.
Malcolm
Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat!
Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but...
I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I?
Right, [to Glenn] so I'm 24% fucked according to you, [to Ollie] but according to you I'm 120% fucked?
[But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.]
[to Terri] Terri, have you got anything for us?
Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic.
Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living?
This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that...
[Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.]
Malcolm
All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon.
[to Malcolm] Morning, Malcolm.
Malcolm
It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back.
[The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.]
Malcolm
At times of stress, I make jokes!
[Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.]
[to Malcolm] Right, um...What do I do?
Malcolm
Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now.
[Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching a recording of The Bill. Hugh is almost dozing off, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!]
Malcolm
Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000.
Malcolm
What?
Malcolm
Who?
Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress.
Malcolm
Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, "group."
[Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...]
Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just...
Malcolm
Should I pause it?
If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec.
[Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.]
I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group?
What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception?
Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress.
I've just seen her, she's in The fucking Bill!
Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.
Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home Middle England housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know –
[Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.]
What, who said what wasn't what?
[whispering to Terri] We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're not ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all!
[Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.]
[on the phone]' Can I get back to you?
Your fucking legend is a fucking actress!
Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency –
Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant!
[whispering] We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone!
[to Ollie] Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once?
[Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.]
[still whispering] Shit! Shit!
[Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.]
I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in Midsomer Murders.
Why didn't you say anything?
I saw her in Midsomer Murders. I thought she might've had a twin or something.
What a stupid thing to...
[While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.]
[But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.]
Malcolm
You said 'she.'
Malcolm
Come out of the cupboard, Hugh.
[Malcolm enters the cupboard.]
Malcolm
Hugh, we have to sort this out. When I asked you about the focus group –
Malcolm
– you said 'she' loved it.
We gave her a one-on-one.
Malcolm
Why?
Malcolm
So Middle England is a big fucking field, with one woman standing in it?
Do you think Hewitt will find out?
Malcolm
OF COURSE HE FUCKING WILL, SHE'S HIS MOLE! THAT'S WHY HE'S GOT A PIECE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW!
[Malcolm leaves the cupboard, with Hugh right behind him.]
Malcolm
[to Glenn, Ollie, Terri and Hugh] We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney. It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way we want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle! Get onto it, now!
[Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.]
I didn't know that she's an actress!
No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse!
[holding the phone] Ollie?
[Malcolm re-enters the picture.]
Malcolm
[to Hugh] How could I know you are a broken vase?
What the fuck are you talking about?
Malcolm
You're a broken vase!
How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape!
[Hugh comes up with a plan...]
Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine.
Malcolm
Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen.
[Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.]
Malcolm
[to Mary] Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow?
Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you –
No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you –
Malcolm
You know that film Notting Hill, have you seen that?
She's probably fucking in it.
Malcolm
You know that bit where the guy opens the door –
Malcolm
– and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches.
Hugh [trying to comfort Mary]: It's OK, it's OK.
Malcolm
No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the stocks!
I still don't really understand what's going on.
Malcolm
We can hold those dogs back, right?
Malcolm
We can get you a nice journalist, yeah?
Malcolm
We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that...
Malcolm
Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to.
I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist.
Malcolm
You spoke to Simon Hewitt.
Malcolm
You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him.
[getting mad] I'd like to go now!
[Now, ALL the guys are shouting!]
Did you speak to Simon Hewitt?
Malcolm
She didn't fucking speak to him.
[The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.]
I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck.
[Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.]
She doesn't even know! [to Malcolm] Malcolm...Fuck's sake!
[talking about Malcolm] What's the matter with him?
Ollie. [Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.]
[to Mary] Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you.
Malcolm
[trying to apologize to Mary] Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that...
[Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.]
Malcolm
FOR FUCK'S SAKE!
Malcolm
Fuck him!
That didn't really work, did it?
[confused and stunned] So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity...
Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page?
You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now?
Malcolm
Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed.
Kind of ironic, really...
Malcolm
You're fucking on your own! [Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.]
...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn.
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
