Adam Kenyon quotes from The Thick Of It

Adam

Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like a modern-day Jeeves. Only not modern. Day. You're like Jeeves, but only not as good.

Adam Kenyon

Right, Geoff Holhurst?

Angela

Yeah.

Adam

Right, Ollie's our source on this, is he? Ollie Reeder? Shallow Throat? Brilliant.

Angela

Yeah, I know you don't rate him.

Adam

You can say that again. Ollie Reeder is, to quote Robert F. Kennedy, a complete fucking spazmaloid. Plus you know how Geoff Holhurst photographs: it looks like his body's in the foreground and his head is really really far away, he looks fucking weird. Just something solid, all right? Otherwise our front page is gonna be an interview with Janet Street-Porter on why she hasn't been asked to be Prime Minister and a giant fucking Sudoku.

Malcolm

Are you in on this?

Jamie

I'm not leaving it to you, eh? You couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks.

Malcolm

Au contraire.

Jamie

What we're having here is a secret conversation, and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London comprehensive.

Terri

Yep, well done: that's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.

Angela Heaney

They've ditched Ballentine.

Adam Kenyon

What? Already?

Angela Heaney

Yeah.

Adam Kenyon

What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, what is this, potential leader speed dating? Right, who is standing?

Angela Heaney

I dunno.

Angela Heaney

You know, I think you should eat something.

Adam Kenyon

Oh right, yeah! Eat something, that'd be right, wouldn't it? You know what, our coverage so far has either been wrong or guesswork, which was wrong. So all we have now is a story-shaped hole!

Angela Heaney

Seriously, your blood sugar's low.

Adam Kenyon

Right.

Angela Heaney

Makes you very irritable.

Adam Kenyon

No, what makes me very irritable, Angela, is having no fucking stories and having to fill an entire newspaper with just fucking prepositions!

Malcolm

And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story –

Adam Kenyon

Yeah.

Malcolm

I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right?

Adam Kenyon

Right.

Malcolm

And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay?

Adam Kenyon

Good, thank you, again.

Malcolm

Talk to you later.

Adam Kenyon

Cheers. Bye bye now. (Hangs up. To Angela) He's a nice guy.

Jamie

(to Terri and Robyn) Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet?

Glenn

I have. It's Julius! He's just told me –

Jamie

Wait, no, what – That – Julius?

Glenn

Yeah.

Jamie

Nicholson? That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking Mel Gibson's Jesus! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!

Julius

Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.

Adam Kenyon

What's the news, just –

Angela Heaney

What?

Adam Kenyon

Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're The Independent, we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish.

Angela Heaney

Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain.

Adam Kenyon

Ben Swain?

Angela Heaney

Yeah.

Adam Kenyon

Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron –

Angela Heaney

Service.

Adam Kenyon

The Special Boat Service or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup.

Angela Heaney

Ben Swain is what I'm hearing.

Adam Kenyon

I hate to ask, but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus?

Fergus Williams

Yeah. Somewhat.

Adam

Silicon Playgrounds are -- is -- go.

Fergus

I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it.

Adam

Don't worry about Mannion. He's allergic to the 21st century.

Fergus

Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus.

Adam

Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right?

Fergus

And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged.

Terri

Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it?

Adam

Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government.

Terri

Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything.

Fergus

Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam?

Adam

Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to Call the Midwife.

Terri

Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about.

Adam

The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push.

Terri

Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I will not -- do ask you ask.

Fergus

Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, NURSE RATCHED, because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is "Tonight" from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't "Rain on my Parade", Funny Girl. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a Hobnob while we run the fucking country, all right?

Terri

(unfazed) Anything else?

Adam

No, don't think so.

Terri

(to Fergus) Thank you, minister.

Adam

We have to distance ourself from this now.

Fergus

Right, OK, I'll call Terri and get her up to speed.

Adam

Terri is never up to speed. She's stuck in neutral in a fucking rainy car park listening to Ken Bruce.

Glenn

(on his phone) Who told you I was the guru? Terri Coverley, right, thank you. Well, I am the guru of the policy, but I'm not the guru of the colossal gang of Henrys who tried to explain it just now.

Fergus

(to Tara) Here we are, at the Coalface. (to Adam) Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan.

Adam

(to Tara) Hello, lovely to meet you.

Hi there.

Adam

Really lovely, lovely.

Fergus

Shall we, er...She's an economist...

Adam

Real pleasure, actually.

Fergus

...and a lady.

Adam

Yes, obviously. Lovely.

Phil

What's going on? Who's the skirt?

Adam

Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute.

Fergus

(to Tara) I really like your coat, by the way.

Tara

(quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you.

Fergus

It's like a leopard.

Tara

It is a little bit.

Fergus

Or a cheetah.

Tara

The beauty of this model...

Fergus

Yeah.

Tara

...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay?

Fergus

Great.

Tara

Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward.

Adam

This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant.

Fergus

(trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam.

Adam

Ah.

Tara

Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice.

Adam

Yeah.

Fergus

The helping hand for hands-on people.

Tara

Yeah.

Adam

I like that, that's great. That's really good.

Fergus

Making sure the can-doers don't get canned.

Adam

Terrific. Yeah, really good.

Tara

Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level.

Adam

This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or...

Fergus

The People's Bank?

Tara

Um, Community...

Fergus

The Credit Fund? (correcting himself) No, no, credit's a bad word.

Adam

Negative. Something, something with "Advance..."

Fergus

The We Bank?

Tara

The We Bank.

Adam

I like that.

Fergus

Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee.

Tara

Do you want to have an "ideagasm?"

Adam

(very much turned on) Yes, please.

Tara

Ask me how we'd initially fund this.

How would we initially fund this?

Tara

A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses.

Adam

You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah.

Tara

Yeah?

Adam

I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here?

Tara

Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion.

Fergus

£2 billion?

Tara

£2 billion.

Fergus

Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury.

Tara

Sure.

Fergus

And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion.

Stewart

OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah?

Peter

Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout Sweaty Swain as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.

Tara

I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in.

Adam

(suddenly concerned) What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it.

Fergus

Well... (awkward laughter from all 3 people) He's in opposition. We rule.

Adam

We're the rulers, we're the governors.

Fergus

And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us.

Adam

Fuck yeah!

Fergus

Yeah.

Phil

Here, uh, "Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other, Small is Bountiful, Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds." God, that sounds dreary.

Glenn

Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog?

Phil

And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business!

Phil

Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation.

Adam

Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017?

Phil

As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal.

Adam

If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there!

Tara

Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here?

Fergus

Not at all.

Phil

Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Adam

Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women.

Phil

How do you explain this, then? (waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space) I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. You're a woman.

Adam

Oh, brilliant. That is really good.

Glenn

(offscreen) FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD!

Phil

Oh shit...!

Adam

Jesus...!

Glenn

Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust.

Phil

Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide.

Glenn

Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake!

Adam

It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light saber in his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department when Mannion's away...

Phil

Yeah, so what?

Adam

It's a fucking joke!

Phil

No it's not! No it's not! Have you ever seen Game of Thrones Season 2?

Adam

No!

Phil

Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit. You know, I'm in charge, because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok!

Glenn

Right. What is the Ewok position on this, then?

Phil

The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away.

Fergus

He is dead.

Phil

Which makes him easier to ignore.

Fergus

As a minister, I should at least express condolences.

Phil

(stammering) That-that-that should come from Peter.

Fergus

But he's not here. I am.

Terri

Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset?

Phil

Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died.

Terri

I'll take that as a no.

Adam

Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out!

Phil

Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent.

Glenn

TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!

Fergus

Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank.

Adam

Yeah, meeting's over.

Tara

(surprised) Don't you need to talk to the Treasury?

Fergus

We've done that.

Tara

Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got...

Adam

(jokingly) Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that.

Tara

(smiling) So, is-is this the green light?

Fergus

Uh-huh! Yep! £2 billion!

Tara

Oh my God!

Tara

We'll be in touch!

Thank you.

Tara

Thank you.

Fergus

(to Tara, walking her to the elevator) Lovely to meet you, great.

Phil

What have we just green-lit?

Adam

Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion.

Phil

Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin?

Glenn

This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out?

Terri

So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut.