Emma Messinger quotes from The Thick Of It

Emma

You are telling me that you have been running parts of this country, Terri. What the fuck are you trying to do, prove the Mayans right?

Ollie

I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party.

Good. You should be impressed.

Ollie

Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy.

Emma

Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is...

Ollie

No no no no. Mine is...

Emma

What?

Ollie

...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is if we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are...

Emma

Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie.

Ollie

I win.

Emma

Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it?

Ollie

Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me.

Emma

You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie.

Ollie

Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power.

Jamie

Hey, Poxbridge!

Malcolm

Hello!

Jamie

Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer!

Malcolm

I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas?

Ollie

What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then?

Jamie

Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. (to Emma) You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma?

Emma

Emma. It's Emma.

Jamie

Emma. Hi, Emma.

Malcolm

(to Ollie) What are you doing down here?

Ollie

I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day.

Malcolm

Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? (to Emma) He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker.

Emma

I'll see you later.

Ollie

Yeah, see you later. (Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)

Peter Mannion

Are they actually sleeping together?

Phil Smith

Yes, yeah. In the flat.

Peter

Do you think she's on top or, what-what do you hear?

Phil

Well, I hear her say, "How do you like it?" And he'll say, "I've got to page Tucker."

Peter

Oh, God. (beat) Have I shaved properly? It's just we're-we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror.

Phil

No, you're very smooth. So it's a chrome kettle, then?

Peter

You've been watching CSI again, haven't you?

Emma

Morning.

Phil

(to Emma) Oh, hello. How was sleeping with the enemy?

Emma

(sarcastically) Oh, hilarious. I forgot how funny you were.

Peter

(to Emma) What time are you seeing Stewart?

Emma

It'll be in about half an hour. What about you?

Peter

(groaning) Oh, I'll be last in. He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the Ryanair queue.

Emma

Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the, uh, wind turbine thing on your house, remember?

Peter

Yes, and it cost me 12 grand. And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in. But my next door neighbor has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around.

Phil

Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag.

Phil

Right. What's up first, then, Peter?

Emma

While we're here, we could bat a few ideas around.

Peter

He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he? Environment? Tax breaks for aromatherapists? SatNav for asylum seekers?

Phil

Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog.

Peter

(groaning again) Oh, God. Really?

Phil

I could actually do the..the writing bit of it, because you wouldn't have time.

Peter

Well, I mean, I might as well, I've knack all else to do. (Peter turns to Phil) Though, um...to be honest, you-you sort it out.

Phil

I thought we could have like a guest book so that, kind of, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments.

Peter

(to Emma) Are you sure? Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are.

Peter

(coughing) Oh, I can't get rid of this.

Phil

I bet you're looking forward to your holiday.

Peter

Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because...

Phil

Carbon.

Peter

No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom.

Phil

(looking at two lamps) What is that?

Peter

It's just –

Phil

Is that raffia?

Peter

He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he?

Phil

It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA.

Peter

I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men.

Phil

I know.

Peter

Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to old money? Because that's not me!

Phil

(confused) You've still got a video?

Peter

I'm a one-nation party.

Stewart Pearson

(smiling) Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting?

Emma

(to Peter) You all right?

Peter

Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around.

Stewart

Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff.

Peter

I was talking about the cold hanging around.

Stewart

Oh, right. (Stewart heads back into his office.) Thanks very much, Em.

Phil

Was that fun there?

Emma

Yeah, it was useful.

Phil

Playing with the big boys?

Emma

Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh?

Phil

No.

Phil

Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here?

Emma

Oh, are you a bit jealous?

Phil

Of the man from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something.

Emma

I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge.

Phil

Oh, yeah.

Emma

So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe.

Phil

Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in –

Ollie

(returning from the toilet) Your life?

Phil

Yes.

Emma

What's he doing with his eyes?

Ollie

Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink.

Malcolm

That's a mega blink! It's not just a blink.

Ollie

He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. (impersonates a cow mooing in pain)

Phil

Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way.

Jamie

The cameramen are laughing.

Ollie

"J-j-j-j-just"!

Emma

Stop him, stop him!

Ollie

He spelled "just" with four Js!

Malcolm

He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken!

Phil

It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically (gibberish).

Jamie

Well, what about the coalface?

Malcolm

Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.

Ollie

Well he certainly looked like a Nutter.

Emma

He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone.

Phil

It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car.

Ollie

He didn't mention the coalface idea.

Peter

How is my blog? My own personal blog, personally written by me?

Phil

There we go.

Emma

Oh, brilliant.

Phil

Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals, and you had a fruit lunch.

Peter

Oh, I write very well. What's the feedback like?

Phil

Pretty good. Let's see on this page here. Here we go.

Peter

"I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook."

Phil

What?

Peter

Cypriot? This is the shit room. You've opened the shit room door.

Emma

Oh come on, that's not too bad.

Peter

"How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?" Christ, that was twelve years ago!

Phil

I hadn't seen that one.

Peter

"Adulterous Nazi"?

Phil

Or that one.

Emma

That's actually I think the same one.

Peter

This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible.

Emma

Peter, you really – you can't say the public are fucking horrible.

Peter

Yes I can, I've met them. "You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?" Really? I mean, for God's sake.

Emma

The chutney?

Peter

Yes, it's up the arse.

Emma

See this: I still don't understand why people do this 'h8' thing. If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly.

Phil

What the fuck was that all about? You know, nicking the other lot's ideas?

Emma

You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite.

Phil

You started it. You know, at least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas.

Emma

You sanctimonious twat! Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him.

Peter

(knocking from behind glass) What's going on?

Phil

Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't. So Emma nicked it.

Peter

(to Emma) Oh, fuck-tastic. Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday. Good work.

Emma

(to Phil) Thanks a lot, Supergrass.

Emma

(to Phil) Oh, sorry! Do you know what, maybe you should dump Peter and go out with Ollie.

Ollie

Well, it wouldn't be any more disastrous than our relationship, would it, hey?

Emma

Christ, Ollie, well if it's been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner?

Ollie

Well, if it had been up to me I would have broken up with you sooner!

Emma

If it had been up t– Oh, OK – This is Malcolm, isn't it? Malcolm has been pimping you out! You fucking sad little –

Phil

(laughing) That's funny.

Fuck you, Phil!

Phil

Oh, suddenly I'm the bad guy again.

Ollie

Go and read your blog, nerd boy! I'm going. This is the point where I go.

Phil

Wow. That point actually exists. Incredible.

Ollie

I will be so not sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blonde tit! I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men. And – (to Emma) it is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend-at-Daddy's, vacuous nothing! (leaves)

Emma

Fuck you, Ollie, and put your keys on the side!

Phil

He's got keys?

Ollie

What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator!

Glenn

Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.Ollie: (re: Nicola's daughter, Ella) She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. Neil Diamond I believe would have called 'a Sweet Columbine incident'.

Emma

Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working.

Phil

Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. (impersonates Malcolm) 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!'

Emma

OK, erm –

Phil

I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like.

Emma

Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound.

Phil

OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall.

Morning.

Peter

Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo!

Phil

Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix!

Emma

Don't ask.

Peter

Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'.

Phil

Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise?

Peter

Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it.

Malcolm

(explaining the Opposition Drill) When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.

Emma

(receiving an alert on her phone) That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up.

Peter

Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we?

Emma

Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? (taps her phone) One button... (leaves)

Peter

Cher?

Phil

Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. (checks that Emma has gone) OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter.

Peter

She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection.

Phil

She's 12.

Peter

Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.

Stewart

Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence.

Peter

Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.Peter: I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC?

Stewart

Yeah, who are you meeting?

Phil

Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks.

Stewart

Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks.

Phil

Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though.

Emma

Very funny.

Malcolm

Listen, Nicky, this - it's a war, right? It's a fucking war. Now, you can't change a thing unless you win the war, and you cannot win the war unless you're prepared to fight.

Nicola

That's what this all about for you, isn't it? It's just about fighting and fucking... power. Does it never occur to you that your poisonous male obsession with conflict, which is making people despise politics? And by the way, don't ever fucking call me Nicky!

Malcolm

Spare me your fucking psycho-fanny, right? What do you think fucking Mannion's doing right now? Michael Aspel's cooler, fucking younger brother? I'll tell you what he's doing. He's sitting around with his pals, you know what they're doing? They're telling very fucking nasty jokes about your family! They're playing fucking pin the cock on the fucking donkey's face with your face there, 'cause you're the fucking donkey, right? So you should just fucking count your blessings! Ella's not been excluded. That's what you wanted, right? Yes?

Nicola

Yeah, I really wanted Ella to be able to stay at a shit school, the only redeeming feature of which was the headmaster who, thanks to me, has now been forced out.

Malcolm

Yeah, well... maybe... maybe in a term or so, you know, we might understand if you... very quietly decided to move her.

Nicola

Really?

Malcolm

Yeah.

Nicola

(composing herself) Good. Good. OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something?

Malcolm

There you go, that's my girl, yeah! Indiana Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.(deleted scene)

Phil

This is mint. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a wooden horse.

Phil

I meant the film Troy?

Peter

Awesome.(deleted scene)

Emma

Do you fancy a cup of tea?

Stewart

Er, yes, you got anything herbal?

Emma

OK, yeah. (walking off, to herself) Something perfumed and essentially gay. (sees Phil) Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself.

Phil

I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. (Emma laughs) It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel.

Stewart

Where's Peter?

Emma

Yeah, where is Peter?

Phil

I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in Greenwich.

Emma

Greenwich?

Phil

I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.(deleted scene)

Peter

Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed.

Glenn

Oh hello, nice dinner?

Emma

Fuck off, Bagpuss.

Phil

Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him?

Emma

Kind of. He's getting the message.

Phil

Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him.

Emma

You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long.

Terri

(to Emma) Are you splitting up with Ollie?

Emma

Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details.

Terri

No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that.

Emma

(pleased) What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks.

Phil

Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here.

Emma

Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that Marie Claire you nicked off me.

Phil

(answering his cell phone) Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he?

Stewart

"Boo to nanny?" Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to One Show man and Holby City woman.

Emma

What's he saying?

Phil

Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking?

Stewart

Is Emma there?

Phil

Yes, she is here.

Stewart

Thank God! Put her on, Phil.

Emma

Stewart, hi.

Stewart

This is the brief. Got a pen?

Emma

Yeah, hang on. (to Phil) Have you got a pen?

Phil

Yeah, you're not having it.

Terri

(to Emma) Do you need a pen?

Emma

Uh, I do, thanks. (to Stewart) Sorry, Stewart, hang on.

Stewart

Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down!

Emma

(to Phil) I'm serious.

Stewart

(to Emma) Are you listening to Daddy?

Emma

Okay.

Stewart

I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise!

Ollie

Many thanks, Glenn.

Glenn

What?

Ollie

For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did?

Glenn

(smiling mockingly) I see.

Ollie

It was a joke about my sexual prowess.

Ollie

What the fuck are you doing here?

Emma

Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname.

Ollie

You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal...

Emma

Ordered. And it wasn't lovely.

Ollie

What the fuck's going on?

Emma

Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later.

Glenn

(to Ollie) So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there?

Ollie

Fuck off, Glenn.

Emma

(in a bad mood) Great.

Ollie

(to Emma) You tell fucking Man at C&A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it?

Emma

(to Phil) What's he talking about?

Phil

(to Emma) I thought he knew.

Emma

(to Phil) Oh, you fucking twit!

Glenn

Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen.

Phil

I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery.

Glenn

If he's a Viking, he's King Cnut!

Phil

WHAT?

Glenn

Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should listen!

Phil

Bullshit!

Ollie

(to Emma) You can't even fucking look at me!

Phil

We're trying to listen here now.

Shut the fuck up, Phil!

Janice

(storming into the green room) OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building! (points at Terri) You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume!

Terri

Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing.

Glenn

Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri.