(Nicola Murray is the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. As she heads into her new office, she gets a cell phone call from her husband, James.)
Nicola Murray(on the phone to her husband.) Um...Yes, I know. They just -- they frog-marched me into it. (beat) I didn't know. I had no idea. (beat) James, be fair! I did -- I-I left seven fucking messages for you. Your secretary or whoever is useless. I don't think the school thing's gonna be a problem. It's not gonna be a problem 'cause they'll have vetted me at Number 10. And obviously nobody has soiled themselves or shot me. Great, well, I'll take your warm congratulations as implied. (Nicola hangs up her phone.) Fucking arsehole.
(Terri checks to see if Nicola's alright.)
Nicola
Yes, it's all a bit crazy. No, it just feels like my head's made entirely of smoke alarms. (laughing) At the moment, it's all a bit OOH... (Nicola mimes an explosion.)
Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock for us all, you know.
Nicola
I'm sure.
In a good way, in a good way.
Nicola
Good.
Well, like twins or a tax rebate.
(Nicola calls both Glenn and Ollie into her office to discuss her policy as the new head of DoSAC.)
Nicola
My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing.
Nicola
And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time!
The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong.
I will certainly do that.
Social mobility, making people richer, costs money.
Yes, and we don't have any of that, really.
Nicola
Right.
I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp.
Nicola
What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens.
Well, it's just a pen budget.
Nicola
I mean, I have about as much real power as those twats who sit either side of Alan Sugar.
(Glenn and Ollie are in Nicola's office, trying to give her tips on how to deal with Malcolm. But before they can do so...Malcolm walks in.)
(entering the office) Is this the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency?
Nicola
Malcolm Tucker! The real deal. Hello.
(Malcolm and Nicola shake hands.)
(to Nicola, smiling) The real deal. Good to see you. You're looking great! (to Glenn and Ollie) All right, Hinge and Bracket, time to go and hang up your lady-cocks.
(Glenn and Ollie leave, and Malcolm continues his conversation with Nicola.)
Nicola Murray! Here you are, Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.
Nicola
Yep, I now have one of the longest job titles in Western politics. Thank God I don't have to wear a lapel badge.
It's a pity that we couldn't just make an abbreviation of it, you know, like PFI. Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Imbarrassing. If you're a bit sloppy about the details, which clearly your fucking husband is.
Nicola
Okay, look, James works for Albany, fine. He wasn't even working there when the contract was awarded.
(smiling) Don't worry, don't worry. That was just me, that was...
Nicola
(getting the joke) Okay, right. Fine.
(serious again) I mean, that's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean, you step out of line, they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair?
Nicola
Oh God, yeah. It's cool, isn't it? It's got, um, lumbar support.
Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave.
Nicola
Ok, fine. So, uh, what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket?
A fucking normal chair, right? Not a fucking massive vibrating throne.
(Meanwhile, in Nicola's office...)
So, uh, you got three kids, yeah?
Nicola
Uh, I've got four.
Nicola
Yeah. Katie's 16, she's the eldest. She's just left school.
Not going to a college or university?
Nicola
Um, she's a bit of a rebel.
(concerned) What sort of a rebel? I mean, so, I mean, look, what are we talking here? Are we talking a pierced navel or holidays at Pakistani training camp?
Nicola
It's-it's chiefly heroin. (beat) Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people-smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn career.
(Terri has awkwardly entered the office. She politely apologizes for the interruption, but feels...a little awkward about the conversation taking place.)
I'm sorry to disturb. Um... (to Malcolm) Morning, Malcolm.
(to Nicola) Just wanted to give you a few things here. That's change from the fruit salad. This is this morning's paper. Do excuse me.
(Terri politely leaves the office...and Nicola resumes her chat with Malcolm.)
Nicola
Um, I'm surprised that you, uh, haven't vetted me, I thought you'd know about the kids.
It's just that 'cause you were just a sort of, you were a bit of a late-ish kind of appointment.
Nicola
Mmm.
That didn't quite give me the time to, you know, to "fuck the I'd and fist the T's," as Robert Robertson might say.
You have been asked by the PM, specifically, to pop along to Leamington, and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley, supporting him, yeah?
Nicola
I don't really have any choice, do I?
Of course you have a choice. You can decide exactly how you say yes. You can do it with a voice. Have fun with it.
Nicola
(Pause) Yes. (Beat) In my own voice.
(Nicola suspects that Malcolm set up the 'I am bent' photos)
Nicola
Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on talking about that thing? Was it you who positioned me there?
(waiting for a lift) Do you know what the first sign of madness is? Paranoia. Have you seen that film, you know, A Beautiful Mind, the one with that, err, Russell Crowe? The one where the maths guy thinks that the CIA are working away in his shed at the bottom of his garden? That's you.
Nicola
No. I'm not the mad one here. You are the mad one, you're Russell Crowe.
No, no, no, no, you are Russell Crowe. (waves patronisingly at her) And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake! See this poster stuff? That's fucking small fry. That's fucking whitebait, Russ me old cobber. (enters the lift) The really horrible stuff, that's all still about to happen to you, right? Right, you're coming in here so we can carry this on?
Nicola
What, now?
Err, if you can spare the time!
Nicola
Err, no. (pause) No, I can't – I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic.
(incredulous) You're what?
Nicola
Not hugely, I can be in rooms, you've seen that, I just... don't do lifts, that's all.
But this lift is – I mean, it's fucking huge! I mean, this is bigger than some rooms, this is bigger than some people's flats!
Nicola
It's about not being able to get out.
Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great, that's another fucking thing, right there: not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking mental! Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking omnishambles, that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: "from bean to cup, you fuck up".
Nicola
(to herself, returning to her office) He so is Russell Crowe!
(at her desk, overhearing) Who?
(deleted scene)
Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for Bupa, don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic.
Nicola
Oh!
Don't send your children to independent schools.
Don't dig up Diana and have Patrick Moore play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.
(deleted scene)
Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage;
Nicola
'I'm not really good with cages', (impersonates Malcolm) 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!'
(sighing) Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off.
Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts.
Yes, but Disraeli's dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?
(deleted scene)
It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible.
Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best Lidl in the West Midlands.
(deleted scene)
Nicola
(at the poster launch in Leamington) And we need to be investing, er, at least –
Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'?
(on the phone) Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now.
Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot.
(Malcolm and Nicola are talking about a newspaper story calling for Nicola to be "sacked.")
Nicola
You've seen the sack race thing, I suppose. Yeah, there it is.
(Malcolm, of course, thinks the story is funny.)
Nicola
It's not funny! It's not even accurate, because technically I was fourth. So, really, they should have said, "Fourth in the Sack race." I think we should complain to the PCC.
Look, stop worrying: the PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up; sacked after a week, looks like he's fucked up.
Nicola
I'm not doing terribly, am I?
(beat)
(looking out of the car window) I love the way that they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so clean!
Nicola
I'd just like people to get to know the real me. You know, I feel like I'm coming across as a bit...Oh, I don't know. Glum.
Nicola
Smug?
Yeah, you're coming across as more smug than glum.
Nicola
'Cause I am actually quite a fun person, underneath all of this. I've got loads of friends.
Well, I'm sure you have, but the trouble is when you say something like that, it sounds a wee bit smug. (to Nicola's driver) Can you just pull in over here? And you can take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's Shadow Cabinet.
(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)
Nicola
So. Malcolm --
Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax.
Nicola
(to Robyn) Does he know? Well, follow him.
(still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn.
(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)
(on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want...
(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)
Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides...
What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run.
Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete!
(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)
Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring?
(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)
(annoyed) WHAT? (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. (to Nicola and the team) Two minutes and I will be back.
(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)
Ah, you got past mad conference security, then?
Nicola
It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, "I heart bombing Israel."
I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search.
Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable.
(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room.)
Nicola
Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine.
(feeling awkward) Well, um...Do you want it?
"Mr. Lova Lova," full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in.
Nicola
(reassuring Glenn) Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous.
(to Glenn) Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle?
Nicola
(chuckling) It's an electric thimble.
Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny!
(The three of them now shift their discussion to more serious and important business.)
Nicola
(to Glenn) So, has our People's Champion arrived? Have you spoken to her? Is she alright?
Oh no no no no, she should be over it by now. Her husband died, what, 4 months ago? So, I mean, she's beyond the crying phase.
She's clearly not that over it, Glenn. She's leading a public campaign to change building regulations.
Nicola
Yeah, well, you know, 7 people died when that café collapsed. She's entitled to her 15 minutes. How do you think I should, um... mention the tragedy when I talk to her?
Just, um, "Sorry for your loss, thoughts with you at this very difficult time," yada yada yada, all of, you know... Not-Without the "yada yada yada" bit, obviously.
Nicola
Am I gonna need some jokes for my speech?
Oh, do you think that's a good idea?
Nicola
Not collapsing café jokes.
That's a shame, I had a bunch of those. Thought you could call them, uh, the Little Chef Seven. You know, Special of the Day: Crumble!
Nicola
See, that's not funny.
(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)
Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference.
Nicola
Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi.
Nicola
Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to Suffolk, and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable.
I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. (Nicola looks up, unimpressed) Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in Eastbourne now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. Clacton of the South West, they call it.
(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)
Nicola
John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday?
Um, Mannion, right, yeah.
Nicola
Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know?
Nicola
Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht.
Nicola
It's a hypocrisy thing.
(stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy.
Nicola
John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. (bluntly) It is your job.
I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise.
(John leaves the room.)
Nicola
He's not gonna do it, is he?
Absolutely fucking useless.
Nicola
He's completely not gonna do it.
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
